The Deadly Reality of Depression

Don't Let Depression Attack You – David D. Burns

Depression is considered by the world to be the leading problem in public health. In fact, depression is so common that it is seen as a common cold in the field of mental disorders. But there's a huge difference between depression and a cold. Depression can kill you. Studies have shown that suicide rates have been rising at a breakneck pace in recent years, even for children and adolescents. This escalating mortality rate still occurs despite billions of doses of antidepressants and sedatives that have been developed over the decades.

It sounds pretty bleak. Let me tell you the good news, before you become more depressed. Depression is an illness and not part of a healthy lifestyle. More importantly – you can overcome this disease by learning simple methods to help your mood. Psychiatrists and psychologists from the Faculty of Medicine, University of Pennsylvania have announced a breakthrough in treating and preventing the emotional disorder. Dissatisfied with traditional treatments for depression because they thought it slow and ineffective, these doctors systematically developed and tested an entirely new and wildly successful treatment for depression and other emotional disorders. A series of recent studies confirm that these techniques relieve symptoms of depression more quickly than psychotherapy or conventional medications. This revolutionary method of treatment is called "cognitive therapy".

I was instrumental in the development of cognitive treatment, and this is the first book to describe these methods to the public. The systematic application and scientific evaluation of this solution in the treatment of depression stems from the innovative work of doctors Albert Ellis and Aaron T. Beck, who began perfecting their unique method of transforming mood in the mid-1950s and early 1960s. Their pioneering efforts have begun to gain prominence over the past decade thanks to the fact that many mental health professionals have conducted research to perfect and evaluate cognitive treatments at institutions in the United States and other countries.

Cognitive treatments are a fast-acting mood-modulating technique that you can learn to apply to yourself. It can help you eliminate your symptoms and experience your own growth, so that you minimize future disorders and deal with depression more effectively.

Effective and simple emotional control techniques in cognitive therapy will help you:

1. Improve symptoms quickly:

In the early stages of depression, you may see symptoms subside after just a short period of time like 12 weeks.

2. Understanding:

Clearly explain why you have mood swings and what can be done to change that. You will know the causes of your intense emotions; how to classify "ordinary" emotions from "abnormal" ones; and how to diagnose and assess the severity of your depression.

3. Autonomy:

You will learn how to apply safe and effective solutions that will help you feel better when you are depressed. I will guide you through the process of creating an applicable, practical, and step-by-step plan for you to help yourself. When you adopt this plan, you can actively control your mood more steadily.

4. Prevention and self-development:

Mood swings can be sustainably and sustainably prevented based on a reassessment of your basic values and attitudes, which are part of your tendency to respond to severe episodes of depression. I'll show you how to question and reevaluate certain assumptions about basic human values.

The problem-solving techniques you learn will handle every crisis of modern life, from minor unpleasant feelings to emotional breakdowns. It includes practical issues, such as divorce, death or failure, as well as vague and deep-seated issues that seem to have no apparent objective reason, such as low confidence, frustration, guilt, or frigidity.

You may be wondering, "Is this just a psychology self-development book?" In fact, cognitive therapy was one of the first forms of psychotherapy to be proven effective through rigorous scientific research under the scrutiny of the academic community. It is the only therapy that has received professional evaluation and recognition at the highest academic level.

It is not a fashionable method of self-development, but a great development and has become an important part of the mainstream research and application trend of modern psychiatry. The academic foundation of cognitive therapy enhanced its impact and helped it stand for years to come. But don't be discouraged by the status of cognitive therapy professionals.

Unlike many other traditional psychotherapies, this therapy is not mystical or paradoxical. It is very practical and rooted in common sense, and you can apply it to yourself.

The first principle of cognitive therapy is that your entire mood is made up of your "awareness," i.e. your thoughts. Your perception reflects how you see things — your views, attitudes, and beliefs. It includes how you explain things — how you yourself understand a thing or someone. You feel in the moment because of the thoughts that you are having at this moment.

Let me illustrate this point. What do you feel when you read this? You're probably thinking, "Cognitive therapy sounds so great that it's unrealistic. It's never going to work for me." If your thoughts fall into this range, then you are feeling doubtful or even depressed. What causes you to feel this way? It's your thoughts. You create these feelings by having a conversation with yourself about this book!

Conversely, you may feel elated suddenly because you think, "Oh, that sounds like this can help me."

The emotional response is not created by the words you are reading, but by the way you think. The moment you have a thought and believe in it, you will have an immediate emotional reaction. Your thoughts actually create those feelings.

The second rule is that when you feel sad, your thoughts are being driven by the negativity that surrounds you. You don't just see yourself, you see the whole world through a dark, sad lens. Even worse, you'll start to believe that things are actually as bad as you imagined.

If you're really depressed, you'll even begin to believe that things have always been and will always be negative. When you look back on your past, you will remember all the bad things that happened to you.

When you try to imagine the future, you see only emptiness or endless problems and pain. This bleak outlook creates hopelessness. This feeling is completely irrational, but it seems so real that you convince yourself that you will forever be so incompetent.

The third principle belongs to the enormous importance of philosophy and cures. Our research has documented that negative thoughts cause mood disturbances that are almost always blatantly distorted. Although these thoughts may seem true, you will eventually realize that they are absurd or completely wrong, and that the wrong thought is the main cause of your suffering.

The accompanying consequences are of paramount importance. Depression is certainly not caused by precise perceptions of reality, but is often the product of a distortion of the mind.

Suppose you believe what I say is reasonable. What good will it do you? Now we will come to the most important results of our pathological research. You can learn to deal with your mood more effectively if you master methods that will help you identify and eliminate distorted thoughts that make you feel depressed. When you start thinking more objectively, you'll start to feel happier.

Compared to other published and accepted methods, how effective is cognitive therapy in treating depression? Will this new therapy help people with severe depression improve their mood without medication? How fast does cognitive therapy work? Is its effect long-lasting?

A few years ago, a team of investigators at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Faculty's Center for Cognitive Therapy, including doctors John Rush, Aaron Beck, Maria Kovacs, and Steve Hollon began a pilot study comparing cognitive therapy to one of the most common and effective antidepressants on the market, Tofranil (imipramine hydrochloride). More than 40 patients with major depression were randomly divided into two groups. One group received cognitive therapy and non-drug therapy, while the other group was treated with Tofranil and not on therapy. The study method that separates these two groups was chosen because it offers the maximum opportunity to compare the two treatments. Until that time, no psychotherapy had proved as effective for depression as antidepressants. This is why antidepressants have attracted so much attention in the media, and for the past 20 years, they have been named the best treatment for most types of severe depression.

Both groups of patients were treated for a period of 12 weeks. All patients were methodically assessed with an intensive psychological test prior to treatment, as well as every month for one year after completion of the procedure.

This is to ensure an objective assessment of the advantages of each method.

Table 1-1. Condition of 44 patients with severe depression, 12 weeks after initiation of treatment

Number of patients treated with Cognitive Therapy alone Number of patients treated only with Antidepressants
Number of participants in treatment 19 25
Fully recovered* 15 5
The amount was considered to improve but remained at the boundary of mild depression 2 5
There was no significant improvement in the number 1 5
The number of withdrawals from the course of treatment 1 5
*The significant improvement of patients treated with cognitive therapy is extremely remarkable.

The patients have moderate to severe depression. Most of their conditions did not improve despite previous treatment by two or more specialists in other clinics. Three-quarters of them had suicidal thoughts when referred to the program. On average, patients are tormented by repeated or continuous depression that does not stop for eight years. A lot of people fully believe that their problems can't be solved, and they feel like their lives are hopeless. Your emotional problems may not be as overwhelming as theirs. Critically ill patients are selected so that the treatment can be tested in the most difficult and challenging conditions.

The results of the study are quite surprising and expected. At the very least, cognitive therapy is just as effective, if not worse, than antidepressant therapy, as you can see in Table 1-1. A particularly important point is that many patients treated with cognitive therapy have improved more quickly than those who have been successfully treated with drugs. Within a week or two, suicidal thoughts were reduced in the group treated with cognitive therapy. The effectiveness of cognitive therapy is encouraging for individuals who do not want to rely on medication for upliftment, but want to develop awareness of what is causing them trouble and what to do to cope with it.

What about patients who do not recover after the end of 12 weeks? Like any other treatment, this method is not a panacea. Clinical experience shows that not all patients react as quickly, but most can still improve their situation if they persist for a longer period of time. Sometimes this is a huge effort! An encouraging development for people with severe and persistent depression belongs to a recent study by Dr. Ivy Blackburn and colleagues at the Medical Research Council of the University of Edinburgh in Scotland. These investigations suggest that a combination of antidepressants along with cognitive therapy may be more effective than use alone. In my experience, the predictor of recovery lies primarily in the persistent will to try to save oneself. If you have this attitude, you will succeed.

How much can you hope to improve? On average, patients had a significant reduction in symptoms at the end of cognitive therapy. Many of them said they had the most joyful feeling they had ever had before. They emphasized that mood training gave them a sense of self-esteem and confidence. No matter how miserable, melancholy, and pessimistic you may feel right now, I believe you can benefit from beneficial effects if you are willing to apply the methods described in this book persistently.

How long does this effect last? Follow-up studies over the course of a year after completion of the treatment produced quite interesting results. While many individuals in both groups still experienced occasional mood swings at different times of the year, both groups continued to maintain what they had shown at the end of 12 weeks of intensive treatment.

Which group is actually in better shape? Psychological tests as well as the patient's own reports confirmed that the cognitive therapy group continued to feel much more elated, and these differences were noted to be extremely significant. The recurrence rate that year for the cognitive therapy group was less than half of the data observed from the drug group. These are enormous differences that occur with patients treated with the new method.

Does this mean I can guarantee that you will never feel depressed again after taking cognitive approaches to get rid of your current depression?

Of course not. It's like saying that once you've achieved good health by jogging every day, you'll never be short of breath again. Being depressed at one time or another is part of human life, so I can guarantee that you won't be in a state of euphoria forever! This means that you will have to apply many times the techniques that are useful if you want to continue to master your mood. There's a difference between feeling happier — it can appear spontaneously — and becoming happier — this is the result of systematically applying uplifting methods whenever necessary.

How has the academic community received this research? The findings have enormous implications for psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health professionals.

It has been 20 years since this chapter was written. During that time, countless meticulous studies on the effectiveness of cognitive therapy have been published in scientific journals. These studies compared the effectiveness of cognitive therapy with the effectiveness of antidepressant drugs, as well as other forms of psychotherapy in treating depression, anxiety and other types of disorders. The results of these studies are encouraging. Researchers have confirmed our first impressions that psychotherapy is at least as effective as remedies, and often it is more effective, both in the short and long term.

What does all this mean? We are undergoing an important advance in modern psychiatry and psychology – a promising new method of understanding human emotions based on a tried and tested therapy. A large number of mental health professionals are extremely interested in this solution, and everything is just the beginning.



You're probably wondering if you're really depressed. Let's read on and see where you stand. The Burns Depression Checklist (BDC) (see Table 2-1 on the side page) is a reliable emotional scale that helps detect depression and accurately assess its severity. You only need a few minutes to complete this simple questionnaire. After you complete the BDC sheet, I will guide you to read the results in a simple way, based on your total score. You'll immediately know if you're suffering from depression and, if so, how serious. I'll also provide some important guidelines to help you determine if you can safely and effectively heal yourself, or if you have a more serious emotional disorder that requires professional intervention in addition to your own efforts.

As you fill out the questionnaire, read it carefully and √ square what you've felt over the past few days.

If you're not sure of the answer, try to guess. Don't ignore any questions. Whatever the outcome, this is the first step in the process of improving your mood.

Table 2-1. Burns Depression Checklist*
*Copyright © 1984 by Dr. David D. Burns (Revised version, 1996)
Guidance: Mark √ to indicate how you experienced each symptom during the past week, including today. Please answer all 25 questions. 0 – Not at all. 1 – A little. 2 – Fit. 3 – Many. 4 – A lot
Thoughts and feelings
1. Feeling sad.




2. Feeling unhappy.




3. Want to cry.




4. Feeling depressed.




5. Feeling hopeless.




6. Low self-esteem.




7. Feeling worthless or inferior.




8. Guilt or shame.




9. Self-criticism or self-reproach




10. Difficulty making decisions




Activities and personal relationships
11. Loss of interest in family, friends or colleagues




12. Loneliness




13. Spend less time with family or friends




14. Loss of motivation




15. Loss of interest in work or other activities




16. Shy away from work or other activities




17. Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life




Physical symptoms
18. Feeling tired




19. Difficulty falling asleep or sleeping too much




20. Increase or decrease appetite




21. Loss of interest in sex




22. Worry about your own health




Suicidal urges **
23. Do you have thoughts about suicide or not?




24. Do you want to end your life?




25. Do you plan to harm yourself?




Please summarize the scores from items 1 to 25 here ->

** People contemplating suicide should seek help from a mental health professional.

Explain the Burns Depression Checklist.

Now that you've completed the quiz, add up points for each of the 25 items, and have the total score. Since the highest score for each symptom out of a total of 25 symptoms is 4, the highest score for the whole paper will be 100.

(This score indicates the most severe depression.) Since the lowest score for each sentence is 0, the lowest total score for the whole paper will be 0. (This point indicates that you have absolutely no symptoms of depression.)

Table 2-2. Interpretation of the Depression Checklist
Total score Depression Degree *
0-5 No sympathy
6-10 Normal but not fun
11-25 Mild depression
26-50 Moderate depression
51-75 Major depression
76-100 Severe depression
*People who consistently score above 10 may need to be treated by professionals. People with suicidal feelings should seek advice from a mental health professional immediately.

You can now assess your depression according to Table 2-2. As you can see, the higher the score, the more severe the level of depression. Conversely, the lower the score, the better your mood.

While the BDC table isn't difficult or doesn't take much time to complete and score, don't let its simplicity fool you. You've just learned how to use a perfect tool to detect and measure the severity of depression.

Studies show that BDC tables are highly accurate and reliable.

Studies in a variety of settings, such as psychiatric hospital emergency rooms, have shown that these tools actually capture symptoms of depression with a much higher probability than serious question-and-answer sessions conducted by experienced clinicians.

You can also use BDC boards to monitor your progress. In my healing work, I emphasize that each patient must fill out a checklist between treatments and report the score to me at the beginning of the next treatment. The change in scores tells me whether the patient is doing well or badly, or is stagnant.

As you apply the various techniques in this book to help yourself, take the BDC test periodically to assess your progress objectively. I suggest doing it at least once a week. It's like you regularly weigh your body weight while on a diet. You'll notice that the chapters in this book focus on the various symptoms of depression. As you learn to deal with these symptoms, you will find that your total score begins to dwindle. This proves you are making progress.

When your score is lower than 10, you will be at a level considered normal. When the score is below 5, you will feel especially elated. Ideally, I'd like to see you score below 5 most of the time. This is a goal in your treatment.

Is it safe for people with depression to try to help themselves using the principles and methods outlined in this book? The answer is – definitely safe!

That's because the important decision to try to help yourself is key to helping you feel happier as quickly as possible, no matter how serious your emotional turmoil may be.

In what cases should you seek help from professionals? If your score is between 0 and 5, then you must be having fun. This is a normal score, and most people who score this low will feel satisfied.

If your score is between 6 and 10, this is still normal, but you may be approaching the "sad" threshold. The situation can still be improved, by mentally winding up, if you wish. The cognitive therapy techniques in the book are extremely helpful for these cases. We are all dogged by the problems of everyday life, and a change in perspective can make a big emotional difference.

If your score is between 11 and 25, then your depression is mild and not yet alarming, at least at this point. You will definitely want to solve this problem and you can make significant progress on your own. The systematic self-help efforts laid out in the book, along with regular frank conversations with trusted friends, can be very helpful. But if your score stays at this level for weeks, then you should consider getting professional treatment. The support of a therapist or antidepressant remedy can help significantly speed up your recovery.

Some of the thorniest cases of depression I've ever treated have been in people with mild grades. Often these people have been mildly depressed for years, sometimes for most of their lives. Currently, mild recurring depression is called "chronic depression." Although this may seem like a big term, its meaning is simple. It means, "this person is almost always melancholy and negative."

You probably know someone like that, and you yourself may be under the curse of pessimism. Fortunately, the methods that have been shown to be helpful for major depression in the book are also helpful for chronic mild depression.

If your score is between 26 and 50, you're suffering from moderate depression. But don't be fooled by the word "average." A score in this range can signify an intense feeling of torment. Most of us feel depressed for short periods of time, but usually we get through it. If your score stays at this level for longer than two weeks, then you should definitely seek treatment from professionals.

If your score is above 50, it indicates that your depression is severe or downright severe. This level of torment is almost unbearable, especially when your score exceeds the threshold of 75. Your mood tends to be intensely irritable and quite dangerous because feelings of hopelessness can trigger suicidal thoughts.

Fortunately, the prognosis for successful treatment is very high. In fact, sometimes the most severe depressions get the quickest results. But trying to treat major depression on your own is not a wise choice. The consultation of experts is essential. Look for a good and reliable professional.

Whether you receive psychotherapy or antidepressant remedies, I believe you will still get tremendous benefits from applying what I guide. My studies show that self-effort greatly speeds recovery, even when patients receive specialized treatment.

In addition to evaluating your total score according to the BDC table, make sure you pay close attention to items 23, 24 and 25. These items raise questions about feelings, urges, and suicidal plans.

If you score points in any of them, then I seriously suggest that you immediately seek professional support.

Many people with depression score points in items 23, but none in items 24 and 25. Often this means that they have suicidal thoughts, such as "I'd better die," but have no suicidal intentions or urges or plans. This thought is quite common. However, if you score in items 24 or 25, this is a wake-up call. Go for treatment immediately!

I have provided effective methods for evaluating and turning around suicidal thoughts in a later chapter, but you must seek counseling when suicidal thoughts begin to become a necessary impulse or option. The belief that you are hopeless is the reason to seek treatment, not suicidal thoughts. Most severely depressed people strongly believe that their case is incurable. This negative delusion is purely a symptom of depression, rather than a fact. Feeling hopeless is clear proof that you're not!

Consideration of section 22 is also important. This section asks about whether you have often been worried about your health condition lately. Do you have pain, fever, unexplained weight loss, or other medical symptoms? If so, you should seek medical advice, including medical history, general medical tests, and laboratory tests.

Most likely, your doctor will tell you that your health is fine. This means that the symptoms of physical discomfort are related to your emotional state. Depression can simulate a variety of medical disorders, as mood swings often produce unpredictable physical symptoms.

To list a few good examples, symptoms include constipation, diarrhea, pain, insomnia or the tendency to sleep too much, feeling tired, loss of interest in sex, mild headaches, tremors and numbness. As depression improves, these symptoms will also go away. However, keep in mind that in the early stages, many illnesses can disguise themselves as depression, and a course of medical tests can help diagnose (and save you from) disorders in your organs.

There are many symptoms that indicate — but do not prove — the existence of a serious mental disorder, and it requires counseling and treatment from a mental health professional, in addition to the self-development program in this book.

A few key symptoms include: believing that people are plotting to harm or kill you; a strange experience that the average person cannot understand; Believing that an outside force is controlling your mind or body; feeling others can hear or see through your thoughts; hearing sounds from outside; seeing things that aren't real; and hearing messages about yourself while watching TV or listening to the radio.

These symptoms are not part of depression, but a manifestation of serious mental disorders. Psychiatric treatment measures are necessary. Often people with these symptoms believe they are nothing abnormal, and may approach offers of psychiatric therapy with reservations and skeptical resistance. Conversely, if you're harboring a deep fear that you're going crazy and experiencing panic attacks in which you're losing control or reaching a dead end, chances are you're not psychotic.

These are just the characteristic symptoms of common anxiety, a much less severe form of disorder.

Mania is a particular form of emotional disorder that has probably become familiar to you. Mania is in stark contrast to depression and requires quick intervention by a psychiatrist, who can prescribe lithium. Lithium helps stabilize sharp fluctuations of emotions and allows patients to lead a normal life. However, until treatment begins, the condition can take an emotional toll. Its symptoms include unusual feelings of elation or discomfort that last for at least two days, and are not caused by drugs or alcoholic beverages. The behavior of patients with mania is characterized by impulsive actions that reflect a lack of judgment (e.g., irresponsibility, overspending) and an overconfident attitude. Manmania is accompanied by an increase in sexual activity or aggression; hyperactivity, constant body movement; flash thoughts; talk excitedly and constantly; and reduced need for sleep.

People with mania have the illusion that they are exceptionally strong and intelligent, and often claim they are about to make a philosophical or scientific breakthrough, or a plan to make a fortune. Many individuals known for their creativity have suffered from this disease and managed to control it with lithium. Because the condition is so euphoric, individuals who are attacked for the first time often do not believe they need treatment. The initial symptoms exhilarating the victim to the point of not accepting the idea that their sudden confidence and euphoria are actually a sign of a harmful disease.

After some time, the euphoric state may escalate into an out-of-control delirium that causes the victim to be hospitalized, or it may suddenly transform into a helpless depression that causes the victim to become immobile and frigid. I want you to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of mania because a lot of people going through a major depressive episode will have these symptoms at some point. When this happens, the person's personality will change dramatically after a few days or weeks. Although psychotherapy and self-help programs are extremely helpful, at the same time patients need to be treated with lithium under medical supervision to get good results. With such treatment, the prognosis for mania is very positive.

Let's just say you don't have suicidal urges, hallucinations, or symptoms of mania. Instead of grimacing and feeling unhappy, you can now take action to feel happier, by applying the methods given in this book. You can begin to enjoy life and work, and use the energy used to feed your previous depression for a creative and active life.

By reading the previous chapters, you're aware of how devastating depression can be—emotional drops, self-image collapses, body instability, willpower becomes paralyzed, and you have no control over your actions. That's why you feel extremely depressed. What's the secret to solving the whole problem?

Because throughout the history of psychiatry, depression has been viewed as an emotional disorder, therapists from most schools have emphasized inner emotional "connection." Our study revealed something unexpected: Depression is not an emotional disorder. A sudden change in how you feel has a causal connection no more than a stuffy nose with a cold. Every bad feeling you have is the result of your distorted and negative thinking. Irrational pessimism plays a key role in the development and maintenance of any symptoms you have.

Extremely negative thinking is always accompanied by symptoms of depression, or any other tormenting emotion. Your melancholy thoughts are completely different from the thoughts you have when you're not in a depressed state. A young woman about to receive her doctorate put it this way:

Every time I was upset, I felt as if I had suddenly been hit by a heavenly nudge, and I began to see things differently.

This change can come in less than an hour. My thoughts became negative and pessimistic. As I look back, I begin to believe that everything I've ever done was meaningless. The fun phases seem to be just an illusion. My achievements appear as artificially as a staged scene in a Western film. I believe that my true self is worthless and incompetent. I couldn't move forward in my career because I was paralyzed in disbelief. But I couldn't stand still because the anguish was too much to bear.

Like her, you'll learn that the negative thoughts that flood your mind are the real cause of the emotions that bring you down. These thoughts are what make you dull and feel inferior. Negative thoughts or perceptions are the most often overlooked symptoms of depression. These realizations contain the key to your release, so these are your most important symptoms.

Every time you feel depressed about something, identify the corresponding negative thought you had before and during the depression. Because those thoughts create your bad mood, as you learn to change your thoughts, you can change your emotions.

You must doubt all of this because negative thinking has become an unconscious part of your life. For this reason, I call negative thoughts "unconscious thoughts." It runs through your mind automatically without any effort on your part. It is obvious and natural to you, just like the way you hold a fork.

The relationship between how you think and how you feel is documented in the diagram in Figure 3-1. It illustrates the first secret that helps you understand your mood: Emotions are purely a result of how you see problems. It is an obvious truth in neuroscience, that before experiencing any event, you must process it with your mind and give it some meaning.

You have to understand what's happening to you before you feel it.

Figure 3-1.The relationship between the world and how you feel. It is not the events that take place in reality, but it is your perception that creates changes in your mood. When you're sad, your mindset provides a realistic explanation for negative events. When you are depressed or anxious, your thoughts will always be irrational, distorted, unrealistic, or simply completely wrong.
THINKING:
You interpret events with a series of thoughts that constantly come to mind. This is called "inner monologue."
–––> WORLD:
A series of events that are positive, negative, and neutral.
–––> EMOTIONS:
Your feelings are created by your thoughts and not by actual events. The entirety of experiences must be processed by the brain and given a conscious meaning before you experience any emotional response.
<––––––––––––––––

If you understand exactly what's going on, your emotions will be normal. If your perception is distorted and distorted in some way, then your emotional response will be abnormal.

Depression falls into this category. This is always the result of mental "turbulence" – deviance. Your melancholy mood can be compared to the crunching music coming from a radio that isn't tuned to the right frequency. The problem is not a broken receiver, or interference from the radio due to bad weather. You simply have to tune the frequency. When you learn to tune your mind frequency, the sound will become clear again and your mood will be lifted.

Some readers—probably you—will experience a desperate agony when reading that passage. But there's nothing to grieve about. If the passage does bring anything, it should be hope. So what drowned out your mood when you reached that passage? It's your mindset, "For others, a little frequency tuning may be enough. But I'm the radio that's too damaged to be repaired anymore. My receiver has lost its effect. I don't care if the ten thousand depressed patients out there will recover — I'm convinced like nails that my case is hopeless." I hear these sentences 50 times a week! Nearly every depressed patient has a puzzling belief that they are special individuals who actually run out of remedies This delusion reflects a kind of mental processing activity that lies deep at the core of the illness you are suffering from.

I've always been amazed at some people's ability to create illusions. When I was a kid, I used to spend hours in the library reading books about magic. On Saturdays I visited magic shops for hours, watching the man behind the stall create brilliant effects with cards, silk strips and chromium balls suspended in the air. One of my best childhood memories was when I was eight years old and watched a performance of "Blackstone's Greatest Magician on Earth" in Denver, Colorado. I was invited on stage with some other kids. Blackstone instructed us to place our hands on a 0.6 x 0.6m birdcage, inside which were live white doves, until the top, bottom and four sides of the cage were all covered by our hands. He stood beside him and said, "Look straight at the cage!" I did. My eyes rolled and I tried not to blink. He shouted, "Now, I'm going to applaud." Then he clapped his hands. In that moment, the cage and the birds disappeared. My hands were suspended in the air. This is impossible! But it happened! I was stunned.

I now know that a magician's competence is no better than that of an average depressed patient. Including you. When you are depressed, you possess an amazing capacity to believe, and to make people around you believe, in things that have no basis in reality. As a therapist, my job is to see through your delusions, to teach you how to look behind the mirror so that you see how you are deceiving yourself.

Read this list of 10 misconceptions that underlie your depression. Feel it.

I have prepared this list very meticulously; It represents the best of what is drawn from more than 10 years of medical experience and research. Refer to it several times as you read the practical part of this book. When you feel depressed, this list becomes invaluable in making you aware of how you are deceiving yourself.

Definition of false thinking

1. The "eat all, fall to zero" mindset.

This refers to your tendency to judge your personal qualities in extremes, only white or black. For example, a brilliant politician told me, "I'm nothing, because I've already lost the election." One all-A student who received a B on the exam concluded, "You're a total failure now." The "eat all, fall to zero" mindset is the foundation of perfectionism. It makes you afraid of mistakes and imperfections, because then you will see yourself as a miserable loser, and you will feel inferior and worthless.

This kind of judging things is unrealistic because life is rarely entirely at one extreme or the other.

For example, no one is absolutely intelligent or completely stupid. Similarly, no one is perfectly beautiful or ugly in the whole world. Look at the floor in the room you're sitting in. Is it absolutely clean? Or is every inch full of dirt? Or is it only partially clean? Absolutes do not exist in this universe. If you try to force your experiences into absolute extremes, then you will constantly be depressed because your perception does not match reality. You will constantly diminish your self-worth because everything you do will never meet your false expectations. The specialized name for this type of misperception is "polarized thinking." You see things through white or black lenses — gray doesn't exist.

2. Excessive generalization.

When I was 11, I bought a devil's deck (Svengali Deck) at the Arizona State Fair. You've probably seen this simple but impressive performance with your own eyes: I show you the stack of cards — the cards are all different. You choose a card of your choice. Let's see if you choose the Boi Bich leaf. You put the card in the stack without telling me which card it is. Now I'm going to yell, "Svengali!" When I flipped the cards over, the cards were all Spades cards.

When you overgeneralize, your mind goes through the same process as Svengali. You arbitrarily conclude that what happened to you once will appear again and again, multiplying like the Spades cards. Since this incident is not fun at all, you feel depressed.

A depressed salesman saw bird droppings on his car window and thought, "That's my number. The birds are always pooping in their windows!" This is the perfect example of overthinking. When I asked him about the experience, he admitted that in his 20 years of traveling by car, he couldn't recall any more times that he saw bird droppings on his car window.

The pain of rejection is almost entirely generated from overgeneralized thinking. When we don't have a generalist mindset, if we are insulted by others, we may be upset for a while, but not feel too heavy. A shy young man summoned up the courage to ask the girl out. When the girl politely declines because she has a date, he says to himself, "I'll never have a girlfriend. No girl will want to date me. I will be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life."

In his false thinking, he concludes that because the girl rejects him once, then she always will, and that since all women have 100% the same taste, any decent woman on this earth will reject him again and again. Svengali!

3. Refinement mindset.

You pick a negative aspect in any given situation and focus on it, then acknowledge that the whole situation is negative. For example, a depressed student heard other students taunting his close friend. She fumed because she thought, "That's basically what humans are—harsh and rude!" She had overlooked the fact that over the past few months, the number of people who had been rude and harsh to her, if any, was only a few! On another occasion, when she finished her first semester's midterm exams, she was sure she had gotten about 17 questions wrong out of 100.

She kept thinking about those 17 sentences and concluded that she would be expelled for failing the exam. When she received the test back, it read, "I got 83 out of 100 questions right. So far, this is the highest score this year. A+"

When you are depressed, you wear a special set of lenses that can eliminate any positivity. The things that are allowed to enter your consciousness are negative. Because you are not aware of this "screening process", you will conclude that everything is negative. The specialized name for this process is "selective citation". This is a vice that can cause you unnecessary suffering.

4. Positive factor thinking.

An even stranger delusional way of thinking is the tendency of some people with depression to turn neutral or even positive experiences into negative. Not only do you ignore positive experiences, but you also skillfully and quickly turn it into a terrible opposite. I call this "reverse alchemy." Medieval alchemists once dreamed of finding a way to turn low-grade metals into gold. If you're depressed, you'll develop the exact opposite power—you can instantly turn golden joy into a lead-gray emotion. However, that's not your intention — you aren't even aware of what you're doing.

An example of this phenomenon is our conditioned response to receiving a compliment. When someone compliments you on your appearance or accomplishments, you may automatically say to yourself, "They're just being nice." With a quick blow, in your thoughts, you refute their compliment. You do the same to them by saying, "Oh, nothing, really." If you're constantly throwing cold water on the good things that are happening, it's no surprise that life feels so wet and cold!

Dismissing the positive element is one of the most destructive forms of misthinking. You are like a scientist with the intention of finding evidence for a hypothesis that you like. The theories that dominate your murky way of thinking are often versions of "I'm just a jerk." Every time you have a negative experience, you cling to it and conclude, "That's proof of something I've known for a long time." Conversely, when you have a positive experience, you say to yourself, "It's just luck. It's worth nothing." The price of this tendency is anguish and inability to appreciate the good things that happen to you.

This type of false thinking is normal, but it can be at the root of the most severe and intractable forms of depression. For example, a young woman hospitalized with severe depression told me, "No one cares about me because I'm a bad person. I'm a complete loner. There isn't a single person in the world who cares about me."

When she was discharged from the hospital, many patients and staff expressed their love for her. Can you guess how she denied all that? "Those people don't count because they don't see me in everyday life. A real person out there would never care about me." Then I asked her how she equated this with the fact that she had so many friends and family who clearly cared about her. She replied, "They don't count because they don't know who I really am. You see, Dr. Burns, I was completely rotten inside. I'm the worst person in the world. No one will like me even for a moment!" By denying the value of these positive experiences, she is able to perpetuate a negative belief that is clearly unrealistic and inconsistent with her everyday experiences.

Your negative thoughts may not be as extreme as hers, but you may have several unconscious denials every day about the positive things that happen to you. This makes you lose the richness and diversity of life and makes things unnecessarily bleak.

5. Hasty concluding thinking.

You arbitrarily come to a negative conclusion that is not supported by facts in fact. Two good examples of this thinking are the act of "reading minds" and "predicting mistakes."

MIND READING: You make the assumption that others look down on you, and you trust this assumption too much to test it. Let's say you're giving a great lecture and you notice a person dozing off in the front row. He's been up all night playing, but of course you don't know it. You might think, "This class thinks I'm teaching sleepy." Let's say a friend walks past you on the street and doesn't say hello because he's too absorbed to notice you. You might come to the wrong conclusion that, "He ignored me, so he doesn't like me anymore." Maybe your partner was apathetic one afternoon, because he or she was criticized at work and felt so depressed that he didn't want to talk about it. Yet your heart sinks into misery because you understand the person's silence like this: "He (or she) is angry with me. What did I do wrong?"

You can then respond to these imaginary negative actions by retreating or counterattacking. This type of self-deprecating behavior can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it gives rise to negative interactions that are not inherent in the relationship.

FALSE PREDICTION: This act as if you have a glass ball that only makes bad prophecies. You imagine a bad omen is about to happen, and you assume that the prediction is real even though it is completely unrealistic. One high school librarian kept telling herself when she was frightened, "I'm going to faint or go crazy." This prediction is unrealistic because she has never fainted (or gone crazy!) in her entire life. She also did not have any serious symptoms indicating underlying dementia. During one therapy, a doctor with severe depression explained to me why he gave up: "I realized that I would be permanently depressed. My suffering will continue forever, and I firmly believe that this or any other treatment will fail." This negative prediction of his disease prognosis plunged him into a sense of hopelessness. His symptoms went into remission shortly after the first round of therapy; It showed how ridiculous his prediction was.

Have you ever jumped to conclusions this wrong? Let's say you call a friend and that person doesn't call you back after a long enough period of time.

You get upset thinking that your friend must have received your message but didn't care so he didn't call you back. What is your false mindset? - read thoughts. You feel bitter and decide not to call back to check on the situation, because you say to yourself, "He'll think I'm upset if I call him again. I'm just going to embarrass myself." It is because of these negative speculations (false predictions) that you avoid your friend and feel sad. Three weeks later you find out that your friend hasn't received your message. This whole mess ends up being just a silly script that you write yourself. Another heartbreaking product created by your magical mind!

6. Exaggerated and miniaturized thinking.

Another thought trap you may fall into is "exaggeration" and "zooming out," but I often call it the "binoculars trick" because you either inflate things beyond their in-proportions, or you shrink them. Exaggeration usually occurs when you look at your mistakes, fears, or imperfections and exaggerate its importance: "I made a mistake. It's horrible! It's scary! Bad reputation will gossip! My credibility is gone!" You're looking at your mistake from the end of the binoculars, causing it to become gigantic and distorted. This action is also known as "dramatization" because you turn ordinary negative events into nightmare monsters.

When you think of your strengths, you can do the opposite – you look at the wrong end of binoculars so everything becomes small and insignificant. If you exaggerate your imperfections and shrink your strengths, you will obviously feel inferior.

But it's not about you — it's about the crazy lens you're glued to!

7. Emotional reasoning thinking.

You see emotions as evidence of truth. Your argument is: "I feel worthless, so I'm worthless." This type of reasoning leads you astray because your feelings reflect your thoughts and beliefs.

If it's wrong — which happens very often — your feelings will be unfounded. Examples of emotional reasoning include: "I feel guilty. So I'm sure I've done something evil"; "I felt overwhelmed and desperate. Thus my problems must be insolvable"; "I feel inferior. So I'm useless"; "I have no interest in doing anything. I should have just stayed in bed"; or "I'm so mad at you. This proves that you are behaving badly and are taking advantage of me."

Emotional reasoning plays into most of your bouts of depression. Because you feel that things are so negative, you assume that it really is. You don't even think about reconsidering the thoughts that trigger your inner feelings.

A common side effect of emotional reasoning is procrastination. You procrastinate on cleaning your desk because you say to yourself, "Every time I think about that messy desk, I feel uncomfortable, cleaning it is impossible." Finally, 6 months later, you give yourself some motivation and clean up the table. Actually, this makes you quite excited and not too hard. You're just fooling yourself because you have a habit of letting negative emotions guide your actions.

8. The "should do, must do" mindset.

You try to motivate yourself by saying, "I should do this" or "I have to do it." These statements make you feel pressured and resentful. Paradoxically, it ends up making you feel pessimistic and unmotivated. Albert Ellis called this "do-do, must-do." "I call this a 'do, do' approach to life."

When you bring the "do, must do" mindset imposed on others, you will often feel frustrated. When I had an emergency to be 5 minutes late for the first session, the patient thought, "He shouldn't be so egotistical and selfish. He has to be on time." This thought made her feel sour and resentful.

In everyday life, the thought of "should do, must do" creates a lot of unnecessary psychological disturbance. When your actual actions don't meet the standards you set, thinking "should's, do's" and "don'ts" make you hate yourself, feel guilty, and guilty. When other people's perfectly normal expressions don't meet your standards, which inevitably happens often, you feel sour and self-righteous. Either you have to lower your expectations to a realistic level, or you will always feel frustrated by the way people behave. If you find yourself with this "should, do," I offer many effective methods for eradicating it in later chapters on guilt and anger.

9. Labeling mindset and mislabeling.

The act of labeling yourself means that you portray yourself with a completely negative image, based on your mistakes. This is an extreme form of overgeneralized thinking.

The philosophy behind this action is that "A person's mistakes are a measure of his worth." It's likely that you'll suffer from self-labeling if you describe your mistakes with sentence styles that begin with "I am..." For example, when you miss your 18th hole, you might say, "I'm a natural failure" instead of "I didn't hit the ball." Similarly, when the stock you buy goes down instead of rising, you may think, "I'm a failure" instead of "I made a mistake."

Labeling yourself is not only disheartening, it's irrational too.

You can't be equated with an action you take. Your life is a complex and ever-changing flow of thoughts, feelings, and actions. In other words, you are like a river, not a statue.

Stop trying to see yourself with negative labels – it's too simplistic and misguided. Do you think of yourself as a "eater" just because you eat, or a "breather" just because you breathe? This is irrational, but it makes you miserable when you define yourself based on your weaknesses.

When labeling others, you will always create hostility.

A common example is a boss who views the secretary, who sometimes gets a little annoyed, as "an uncooperative girl." Because of this label, the boss always resents her and takes every opportunity to criticize her. The secretary labeled him "an unwitting guy" and complained about him whenever she could.

So they keep lashing out at each other, focusing on every shortcoming to use it as evidence of the other's weakness.

Mislabeling involves describing an event in inaccurate and emotional terms. For example, a woman on a diet missed eating a glass of ice cream and thought, "I'm disgusting. I'm such a pig." This thought made her so sad that she ate an entire kilogram of ice cream!

10. Personalize thinking.

This false thinking is the source of guilt! You assume responsibility for everything negative, even if there's no reason for you to. You arbitrarily conclude that what happened was your mistake, or reflected your weakness, even if you have no responsibility for it. For example, when a patient doesn't do the self-help exercise I ask, I immediately feel guilty because I think, "I must be a bad doctor. I'm guilty of her not trying harder to lift herself up. It's my responsibility to make sure she gets better." When a mother reads her child's transcript, she sees a note from the teacher that the child is not making an effort to study. She immediately asserted, "I must be a bad mother. This is proof of my failure."

The act of personalization makes you feel guilty. You are tormented by a heavy sense of responsibility and have the potential to paralyze you; It forces you to carry the whole world on your shoulders. You confuse the concept of impacting and controlling those around you. As a teacher, counselor, parent, doctor, salesperson, administrator, you certainly have an impact on the people you come into contact with, but no one will expect you to dominate them. What they do is their responsibility, not yours. Later in this book, we'll talk about methods to help you break the temptation to personalize and take less responsibility for everything and turn it into something more realistic and controllable. These 10 misconceptions cause many, if not all, types of depression. It is summarized in Table 3-1 below. Let's study this table and grasp the concepts in it; Remember it as well as your phone number. Review Table 3-1 several times as you learn different methods of mood regulation. When you get used to these 10 false ways of thinking, it will benefit you for a lifetime.

I've created a quiz on self-assessment to help you test and improve your understanding of the 10 deviations of thinking. As you read each description, imagine that you are the person being talked about. Circle one or more responses that show the deviations contained in negative thoughts. I will explain the answer to the first question. Answers to subsequent questions are posted at the end of this chapter. But don't preview the answer! I'm sure you can identify at least one misleading mindset in the first question – and that's a start!

Table 3-1. Definition of types of aberration
1. THE "EAT ALL, FALL TO ZERO" MINDSET: You see everything through a black and white lens. If your actions aren't perfect, you see yourself as a failure.


2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a tendency to fail forever.

3. REFINEMENT THINKING: You pick a negative detail and keep staring at it that makes reality gloomy through your lens, like a drop of ink staining a cup of water.

4. DISMISS THE POSITIVE: For one reason or another, you dismiss positive experiences by asserting that they "don't make sense." In this way, you perpetuate negative beliefs, which are contrary to your daily experiences.

5. HASTY CONCLUSIONS: You give a negative explanation even though there is no solid evidence for it.

a. Mind reading.
You arbitrarily conclude that your partner is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check whether that conclusion is correct.

b. Erroneous prediction.
You predict that everything will have a tragic end, and are convinced that your prediction is a proven truth.

6. EXAGGERATION (DRAMATIZATION) OR MINIATURIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of the thing (e.g. your faults or the work of others), or you inappropriately shrink the thing until it becomes very small (such as your desirable qualities, or the enemy's imperfections). It is also known as the "binoculars trick."

7. EMOTIONAL ARGUMENTS: You assume that your negative emotions definitely reflect the nature of the problem: "I feel that way, so it certainly is."

8. A "DO, MUST DO" mindset: You try to motivate yourself with "should's" and "don'ts" thoughts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before being expected to accomplish something." Must do" is also an accomplice. The psychological consequence of it is guilt. When you impose a "do, do" mentality on others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is the extreme form of overgeneralized thinking. Instead of describing your mistakes, you label yourself negatively: "I'm a failure." When someone misbehaves with you, you label him negatively: "He's a despicable guy." Mislabeling involves the act of describing an event in distorted and emotional language.

10. PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as the cause of the negative things out there, when in fact you have no responsibility for it.

1.

You are a stay-at-home wife and feel distressed when you hear your husband complain about overheated roast beef. This thought pops into your head: "I'm a complete failure. I can't stand this! I never did anything right. I work like a slave and this is the thank you I get! Bastard!" These thoughts make you feel sad and angry. Your false thinking has one or more manifestations:

  1. the mindset of "eat all, fall to zero";
  2. overgeneralization;
  3. amplify;
  4. labeling;
  5. all of the above.

Now I will discuss the answer to this question so that you can immediately get an answer. Any answer you circle is correct. So, if you choose All of the above, you've chosen the right one! The reason is this. When you say to yourself, "I'm a complete failure," you're bringing the mindset of "eat it all, fall to zero."

Get rid of that thought! The meat is a little dry, but that doesn't doom your whole life.

When you think, "I never did anything right," you're overgeneralizing Never? Come on! Isn't there any? When you say to yourself, "I can't take it anymore," you're exaggerating the pain you're exaggerating.

You're hyping it up, because you're putting up with it, and if you're putting up with it, you can tolerate it. Your husband's grumbling isn't something you want to hear, but it also doesn't reflect your values.

Finally, when you declare, "I work like a slave and this is the thank you I get! Bastard!" you're labeling both of you. Your husband isn't an asshole, he's just annoying and heartless. Similarly, it is foolish to see yourself as a slave.

You're just letting your husband's uncomfortable mood interfere with your evening.

Okay, now let's continue with the quiz.

2.

You just read my request to continue taking the self-assessment test. Your heart sank and you think, "Oh no, check again! I always do bad on tests. I'm going to have to skip this part of the book. It makes me nervous, so it doesn't help anyway." Your misconception includes:

  1. hasty conclusions (erroneous predictions);
  2. overgeneralization;
  3. the mindset of "eat all, fall to zero";
  4. personalization;
  5. emotional arguments.

3.

You feel lonely and you decide to attend a gathering for singles. As soon as you get there, you want to leave because you feel nervous and have a defensive mentality. The following thoughts come to mind: "They must not be the interesting type. Why should I torture myself? They're just a bunch of mediocre. I know, because I feel so bored. This party is going to be incredibly bland." Your mistake is:

  1. labeling;
  2. amplify;
  3. hasty conclusions (wrong predictions and mind reading);
  4. emotional arguments;
  5. personalization.

4.

You receive a layoff notice from the company. You feel angry and frustrated. You think, "This is proof that there is nothing good in the world. I'll never be at peace." Your misconception includes:

  1. the mindset of "eat all, fall to zero";
  2. dismiss the positive factor;
  3. screening thinking;
  4. personalization;
  5. "Should do, must do" mindset.

5.

You're procrastinating on writing a report. Every night when you try to finish your report, it seems too difficult for you so you decide to go watch TV. You start to feel tired and guilty. You're thinking, "I'm too lazy for me to ever finish a report. I really can't do this. I'm not going to get it done. My report isn't good anyway." Your erroneous thoughts include:

  1. hasty conclusions (erroneous predictions);
  2. overgeneralization;
  3. labeling;
  4. amplify;
  5. emotional arguments.

6.

You're on a diet. This weekend you feel a little stressed, and since you have nothing else to do, you just sip your food all the time. After eating the fourth candy, you say to yourself, "I can't control myself. The effort of dieting and jogging all week has been poured into the sea. I must be round as a ball. I shouldn't have eaten those things. I can't stand this. I'll eat like a pig all weekend!"

You start to feel downright guilty and stuff another handful of candy into your mouth in an attempt to make yourself feel better. Your misconception manifests itself in:

  1. the mindset of "eat all, fall to zero";
  2. labeling;
  3. hasty conclusions (erroneous predictions);
  4. "To do, to do" mindset;"
  5. Put aside the positive factor.
ANSWER
1. A B C D E
2. A B C E
3. A B C D
4. A C
5. A B C D E
6. A B C D E

Emotions are not facts

At this point, you can ask yourself, "Okay, I understand that depression is the result of negative thoughts I have, because my outlook on life changes a lot when my mood goes up and down. But if our negative thoughts are so misleading, why are we constantly being fooled by them? I can think as coherently and realistically as everyone else, so if what I'm telling myself is ridiculous, why does it seem so true?"

Although your depressing thoughts may be misleading, it still creates a strong illusion of truth. Let me be blunt – your feelings are not facts! In fact, your feelings don't mean anything in essence — they're just a mirror of your way of thinking. If your perception is not rational, then the sensations it produces will be as absurd as the reflections in the mirrors of the laughing house in the play area. But these abnormal emotions make you feel like they're right and real just like the right emotions created by an undistorted mindset, so you automatically make it happen. This is why depression is a dangerous form of mind magic.

When you invite depression with an "automatic" sequence of false thoughts, your feelings and actions complement each other in a vicious circle. Because you trust everything your troubled mind has to offer, you will feel negative about almost everything. This reaction happens in milliseconds, so fast that you are not even aware of it. Negative emotions make you feel incredibly real, and it gives a veneer of credibility to the false thinking that created it. The vicious cycle continues, and eventually you get stuck in it. The prison of the mind is an illusion, a hoax that you accidentally build, but it seems very real because it feels so real.

What is the key to freeing you from emotional prison? It's simple: Thoughts create emotions; So your feelings can't prove that your thoughts are correct. Unhappy emotions merely show you that you are thinking about something negative and believing in it. Your emotions follow your thoughts, following the same ducklings that follow the mother duckling. But the fact that the ducklings trust to follow does not prove that the mother duck knows where she is going!

Evaluate your mindset, "I feel that way, so I am." It's not just depressed people who have the attitude that emotions reflect an ultimate truth.

My perspective is different. Your feelings, in essence, are nothing special. In fact, in cases where your negative emotions are created from distortions in your mindset — which happen so often — it's hard to see that emotion as something to be expected.

Does this mean I want to let go of all emotions? That I want to be a robot? It's not. I want to teach you how to avoid painful feelings created by misguided thinking, because it is neither valuable nor desirable. I believe that once you learn to look at life more realistically, you will have a better psychological life, with a deeper awareness of sadness as well as genuine joy – without false thinking.

As you read the later chapters of this book, you will learn how to correct the wrong thoughts that fooled you during your depression. At the same time, you'll have the opportunity to reevaluate the underlying values and assumptions that have put you in an up-and-down mood. I've outlined specific action steps. Correcting your irrational thinking will have a strong impact on your mood and help you devote more energy to an active life. Now, let's go ahead and see how we solve your problems.

When you're depressed, you inevitably feel worthless. The more severe your depression is, the better you feel about yourself. It's not just you who suffer. According to a study conducted by Dr. Aaron Beck, more than 80% of patients with depression express self-loathing. What's more, Dr. Beck found that depressed patients found themselves inferior in the qualities they valued most: intellect, success, reputation, attractiveness, health, and strength. He also said that self-portraits of depressed people can be summarized in the following 4 points: failure, defect, abandonment and distraction.

Most of the negative emotional reactions that cause them to suffer are the result of low self-esteem. A bad self-view is a magnifying glass that turns every little mistake or imperfection into a dominant expression of personal failure. For example, Eric was a freshman in law school, and every time he went into class, he panicked. "When the teacher calls my name, I answer here and there incorrectly." Although the fear of "making mistakes" always dominated Eric's mind, my conversation with him revealed another problem: feeling incompetent was the real cause of the problem.

DAVID: Let's just say you're afraid of making mistakes in class. So why does that bother you so much? Why is it so serious?

ERIC: So I'm going to make an idiot of myself.

DAVID: Let's say you just became an idiot in class. Why does that make you sad?

ERIC: Because you're going to look down on me.

DAVID: Suppose you look down on me, then?

ERIC: Then you're going to feel miserable.

DAVID: What's wrong with you? Why would you be miserable if others looked down upon?

ERIC: Well, it means you're nothing. And yet, it will ruin my career. You're going to get bad grades, and maybe you won't be a lawyer for the rest of your life.

DAVID: Let's just say you don't become a lawyer. Let's say you get expelled from school. Why does that make you grieve?

ERIC: So I failed. I didn't get what I wanted most.

DAVID: And what does that mean to you?

ERIC: So this life is tasteless. And you're a failure and worth nothing.

Through just a short dialogue, Eric made the point: things are extremely bad when ridiculed, fouled or failed.

Eric seemed to think that as long as one person looked down on him, others looked down on him too. It was like there was the word JUNK printed on his forehead and everyone could see it. This guy has almost no concept of self-esteem, which doesn't depend on whether you get recognition and/or success. He judges himself from the perspective of outsiders and by the achievements he reaps. If desires are accepted and achievements are not met, Eric feels completely useless because there is no real support coming from within himself.

If you see Eric's perfectionist tendency to achieve success and be perceived by others as unrealistic and harmful to yourself, then you're wise. But for Eric, this trend is completely realistic and plausible. If you're in a depressive state or have been depressed, you'll find it hard to recognize that irrational mindset that's causing you to look down on yourself. In fact, you may even believe yourself to be incompetent or worthless. And any advice that goes against this thought of yours seems very stupid and insincere.

Unfortunately, once you are depressed, you not only believe that you are inferior, but in many cases you also have an unwavering belief that you are no good, that you are a throwaway, and you will find a way to get your friends, relatives, and even therapists to accept this idea of who you are. For years, even therapists tended to "accept" a patient's negative self-assessment without learning about the veracity of what the patient shared. This problem has been described in several articles by Sigmund Freud – the father of psychological analysis – which he published in his treatise "Mourning and Sorrow", which served as the premise of mainstream psychoanalytic methodology in treating depression. In this classic study, Freud asserts that once patients think they are worthless, do nothing, and have poor morals, they must be right. Therefore, it is useless for therapists to seek to disagree with the patient at this point. In fact, Freud believed that treating physicians should agree with patients that they are boring, unlovable, petty, selfish and deceitful.

According to Freud, these characteristics portray the truest image of the human being, and the course of the disease makes this fact even more apparent:

The patient exhibits a worthless ego, incapable of achieving anything, and morally weak; He criticizes himself, insults himself and waits for the day to be thrown out, punished... From the perspective of treating physicians and scientists, any views that go against what patients accuse themselves of ego are hopeless attempts. The patient tries to prove that they are right in some way and describes it the way he feels. In fact, we must accept some of the points raised by patients without objection.

He really has no interest and lacks the capacity to love and achieve, just like he confesses... He also wanted to prove to the doctor that he had reason to accuse himself of that kind of thing; He had a clearer eye than those who were not pessimistic. According to the criticism, the patient portrayed himself as narrow-minded, selfish, insincere, lacking self-control, whose lifelong purpose was to hide his shortcomings, and from what we knew, he almost knew himself; We just don't know why it wasn't until we fell ill that people realized the truth like this. - SIGMUND FREUD, "Mourning and Melancholia"

How a therapist processes your feelings about your personal disability is the key to finding a cure, just as feeling worthless is a clue to depression. This question leads to another question of interest in the field of psychological analysis – is human nature inherently flawed? Are people with depression confronting the most innocent truth about who they are? And based on the deepest analysis, what is the source of true self-esteem? This point, in my opinion, is the most important question you face.

First, you can't feel valued based on what you do. The result gives you a sense of satisfaction, not joy. Human values based purely on success are "false self-esteem," unreal! Many of my successful but suffering patients would agree with that. You also can't build your value based on looks, talents, fame, or wealth. Marilyn Monroe, Mark Rothko, Freddie Prinz, and countless other self-suicidal stars testify to this cruel truth. Even love, acceptance, friendship or even the ability to create intimate human relationships will only add a little to your existing value. In fact, the vast majority of people with depression receive a lot of love, and yet it is not helpful because their love for themselves and self-esteem do not exist at all. In short, only your own sense of self-worth determines your inner feelings.

The question in your mind right now is: "Speaking like a doctor, how do I know my self-worth? In fact, I feel like I'm inferior to death, and I believe I'm no equal. There's no way to change that feeling of boredom, because that's who I am."

One of the key points of cognitive therapy is that it resolutely refuses to believe in your inner feelings of worthlessness. During treatment, I have patients undergo a system of re-evaluation of their negative self-image. I kept repeating a single question: "Are you right to insist to me that your inner self is a failure?"

The first step is to carefully review what you say about yourself when you claim you're no good. The evidence you present to justify your own uselessness is often meaningless, if not always meaningless.

This opinion is based on the latest research by doctors Aaron Beck and David Braff, which shows that in the minds of depressed patients there is the presence of a thinking disorder. People with sad moods were compared to people with schizophrenia and non-depressed people, in their ability to understand the meaning of maxims such as "Prevention is better than cure." Both the schizophrenia and depressed groups make a lot of logical mistakes and have difficulty figuring out the meaning of the statement. They are too rigid and cannot generalize the true meaning of the problem. Although the severity of this defect in the depressed group is not as severe or peculiar as the schizophrenic group, it is clear that compared to the normal group, these individuals are abnormal.

The simple explanation that the study suggests is that during depression, you lose some of your ability to think clearly; You have trouble seeing things. Negative events will gradually invade until they dominate the whole reality in your eyes – and you no longer realize that what happens is being distorted. Everything seems real to you. The illusion you create of hell on earth is very convincing. The more anxious and miserable you feel, the more distorted your reason becomes. And vice versa, if you don't suffer from a mental disorder, there is no way you can underestimate yourself or be depressed!

When you look down on yourself, how are you thinking distorted? The simplest start is to start reviewing your list of false thinking patterns. The most common deviation when you feel worthless is the "eat all, fall to zero" mindset. If you only look at life in extremes, you will believe that everything you do falls into two situations: either very good or very bad—there is no middle ground. As one salesperson once told me, "When I achieve 95% or more of the sales quotas I set for myself for the month, it's acceptable. And 94 percent or less is like a complete failure."

This "eat it all, fall to zero" self-assessment method is not only unrealistic and detrimental to the person who has that view, but also entails constant stress and frustration. A depressed psychiatrist reached out to me because he realized he had no sex drive and had been suffering from erectile dysfunction for two weeks of grief. His perfectionist tendencies not only play an important role in the current career he has, but also dominate the couple's sex life.

So before his illness, he was close to his wife every other day during their 20 years together. Despite his declining sexual capacity — a common symptom of depression — he told himself, "I have to go about it as usual." This thought caused a growing tension in him, as he could not prolong his "manhood" as desired. And because his previously perfect spousal schedule was broken, he began torturing himself with a "fall to zero" mindset, he concluded, "I'm no longer the perfect partner. I failed as a husband. I'm not even a man in the sense. I'm not worth anything." Known as a renowned psychiatrist (some even praised him as brilliant), yet he sat there sharing with tears in his eyes, "Dr. Burns, you and I both know the undeniable truth is that I will never be close to my wife again." No matter how many years of medical training he had, he finally forced himself to believe such a false thought.

Tame feelings of worthlessness

You're probably thinking, "Okay, I'm starting to realize the absurdity behind feeling worthless. At least for some. But in general they are the successful type, unlike me. It seems that doctors treat famous scientists and businessmen. For them to cry out for lack of confidence is ridiculous. But I'm the mediocre type. Everyone else, in fairness, is much more beautiful, famous, and successful than I am. So what should I do? Do nothing, that's it! The feeling of worthlessness in me is firmly grounded. Because it's rooted in facts, if the doctor told me to think logically a little bit, I wouldn't feel much better. I don't know how to get rid of this bad feeling unless I delude myself, which we both know won't work." So now I'm going to show some ways to finally solve your problem.

As a cognitive therapist, I have three goals in treating feelings of worthlessness: I will make a quick and definitive change in the way you think, feel, and behave.

This result is made possible by a well-structured training program that includes many simple but solid methods that you can apply every day. If you are willing to invest the time to pursue this program, the results will be worth it.

Are you ready? Let's get started. You're about to take the first step in a transformation process, changing both your mood and the image you have of yourself.

As you read the next sections, you need to remember one thing: reading theory isn't enough, it doesn't guarantee you'll build your self-esteem — if it does, it won't last. You have to invest effort and practice many different exercises. In fact, I recommend setting aside a certain amount of time during your day for self-improvement, as this is the only way you can feel your own growth in the fastest and most sustainable way.

Special treatments to improve self-esteem

1. Counter self-criticism

Feelings of worthlessness arise when the dialogue in your mind is critical. These are self-deprecating statements, such as "I can't do anything," "I'm a jerk," "I'm not equal to anyone," and many others that only make you more desperate and your self-esteem lower. To overcome this bad thinking habit, there are three steps you must take:

1. Learn to acknowledge and write down the critical thoughts you are carrying in your head.

2. Find out why these thoughts are distorted, and

3. Practice countering it to get a more realistic view of yourself.

An effective method of doing this is the "three-column parallel technique." On a sheet of paper, you only need to line two vertical rows to divide it into three evenly spaced columns (see Figure 4-1 below). The leftmost column you name is "Automatic thinking (self-criticism)," the middle column is called "Misthinking," and the rightmost column is "Rational feedback (self-defense)." The leftmost column is where you write down all the self-criticism that makes you feel painful, worthless, and bored.

Figure 4-1. The "three-column parallel technique" is used to rearrange the way you think about yourself when you find yourself doing something wrong. The goal is to substitute more rational, objective thinking in place of irrational, harsh self-criticism that automatically floods your mind when a negative event occurs.
Automatic Thinking (Self-Criticism) Misconception Rational Response (Self-Defense)
1. I didn't do anything good. 1. Overgeneralization 1. Nonsense! I do a lot of things right.
2. I am always 2. Overgeneralization 2. I'm not always late. Horribly funny talk. Think back to when I was on time. If I'm late lately, I'll find ways to improve to be more punctual.
3. People will look down on me. 3. Reading thoughts
Overgeneralize
The "eat all, fall to zero"
mindset False predictions
3. Some people will be disappointed about being late, but that doesn't mean everything is broken. Maybe the meeting didn't take place on time.
4. It shows that you are terrible 4. Labeling 4. Come on, I'm not a bad kid.

If what you write in the Rational feedback column is not convincing and factual, it will be of no use to you. Remember that you must believe arguments against your habit of self-criticism. Rational feedback can help you consider the absurdities and deviations in your self-criticism habits that you have in mind.

If you can't think of a reasonable answer in response to a particular negative thought, forget about it for a moment and return to answer it a few days later. There will come a time when you realize the other side of the problem. When you spend about 15 minutes a day doing the "three-column parallel technique," after about one to two months, you'll find it easier and easier to do. In case you can't find the right answer to your problem, don't be afraid to ask others how they would respond to a negative thought.

One point to note:

AVOID using words that express feelings when writing in the Automatic Thoughts column. Only write the thoughts that trigger that feeling. For example, you find that your car has a flat wheel. Don't write "I feel terrible." because you can't use reason to deny that feeling, because in fact you feel bad. Instead, write the thought that just flashed through your head, the moment you discovered the flat wheel; for example, "I'm stupid — I should have changed the shell last month," or "Oh my gosh, what bad luck!" Next you can replace it with a reasonable response, "It's better to buy a new shell, but I'm not stupid, who knows the future."

This doesn't make the wheel go flat again, but at least you don't have to replace the wheel with a flat ego.

While it's best not to touch on emotions when filling in the Automatic Thoughts column, before and after using the three-column parallel technique, it's helpful to experiment a little with your emotions to determine if there's improvement. You'll be able to do this easily if you score your level of frustration (on a scale of 0-100%) before you identify and respond to automatic thoughts. In the previous example, you must have noticed that frustration rises to 80% as soon as you spot a flat wheel. Next, after you've completed the exercise, write down how much of your relief you have, assuming you're only about 40% frustrated.

If a drop occurs, it seems that this method works for you.

Writing down negative thoughts and logical responses flashing through your mind may seem too simplistic, ineffective, or even exaggerated. You may have the same feeling as some patients who initially refuse to do this exercise because, "What's the point of doing that? It won't work — it won't work for me, because I'm desperate and useless."

This attitude just keeps you from hitting the line. If you're not willing to try a method, you'll never get what you want. Start by writing down both automated and logical thoughts, 15 minutes a day, for two weeks, and then evaluate its effect on your mood. You may be surprised to see the beginning of your personal development and a positive change in your self-view.

Recording all automated thoughts and logical feedback is an important part of this method; Don't try to recite the exercise in your head. Writing it down will help you look at it much more objectively, by reflecting on how to respond. It also helps you identify the wrong mindsets that make you miserable.

2 heads. Confront, do not bow! - The story of a woman who believes herself to be a "bad mother".

In the course of reading the previous sections, you may argue something like, "It's all about the thoughts in my head. But what if the problem I have is really true? What do I get from thinking differently? I have many defects that need to be fixed."

Nancy, 34, is a mother of two, and the best example. Six years ago, she divorced her first husband and remarried not long ago. She earned her college degree in service. Nancy is a vibrant, enthusiastic type of woman who is also devoted to her family.

Yet she suffered from occasional bouts of depression, throughout the years. During those periods, she became extremely critical of herself and others, showed self-doubt and felt insecure.

I was stunned by the way she blamed herself. Her son's teacher sent her a letter, saying that the boy had difficulty learning. Immediately, she dropped her face to blame herself. The following is a short excerpt from our treatment consultation:

NANCY: I should have tutored Bobby at home, because he lacked organization and he didn't know what to do in school.

I spoke to Bobby's teacher and she said he lacked confidence and had trouble following his teacher's instructions. As a result, his learning declined. After receiving the teacher's call, my mind was full of self-critical thoughts, and I immediately felt hated. I started reminding myself that a good mother has to be with her kids every night, doing this and that with them. I'm responsible for my son's bad behavior — he's lying, he's not doing anything in school. I really don't know how to teach him. I'm a terrible mother. I had a feeling my child was stupid and about to fail an exam; It's all my fault.

The first move was to show her how to counter the "I'm a bad mom" statement, because in my opinion, that kind of criticism was both heavy and unreasonable, causing crippling pain, and didn't help her in guiding Bobby in finding the right learning curve.

DAVID: Okay, so now what's wrong with saying "I'm a bad mom"?

NANCY: Well...

DAVID: Is there a "bad mother" in the world?

NANCY: Of course you do.

DAVID: What do you define as a "bad mother"?

NANCY: A bad mom doesn't get everything parenting done. A mother lacks ability, so her children grow up spoiled. It's easy to see.

DAVID: So you see a "bad mother" as someone who is incompetent at raising her children. That's your definition, isn't it?

NANCY: Some mothers lack parenting skills.

DAVID: But any mother lacks parenting skills in some way.

NANCY: Really?

DAVID: No mother in the world is perfect in every aspect of parenting. So there will be some aspects where they are not skilled enough. By her definition, everyone who is a mother is a bad mother.

NANCY: I feel like a terrible mother, not everyone.

DAVID: So let's define it again. What is a "bad mother" like?

NANCY: A bad mother is someone who doesn't understand her child, or constantly makes mistakes. Mistakes have serious consequences.

DAVID: Well, according to the new definition, you're not a "bad mother," and there's no one who does, because no one has serious consequences day in and day out.

NANCY: No one...?

DAVID: Because you say a bad mother is someone who always does this and that wrong. There's no one like that, no one who does it wrong 24 hours a day. Any mother can do some things right.

NANCY: Well, then some parents abuse their children in a lot of ways, like hitting them, punishing them, you see in that newspaper. Their children grow up with damaged personality. It's definitely bad parents.

DAVID: As you say, some parents abuse their children. These people need to improve their behavior to make them feel more proud of themselves and their children. But saying they're people who are always abusing you or doing things wrong isn't realistic, and assigning them the adjective "bad" doesn't solve the problem. Their attitude is problematic and needs to be guided on self-control, but if you try to point out their wrongs, it will only make things bigger. Such people often already believe themselves to be rotten people, which is part of their problem. Labeling them "bad mother" is inaccurate, and doing so is irresponsible, like adding fuel to the fire.

At this point I tried to find a way to show Nancy that she was making it herself by labeling herself a "bad mother." I hope to help her realize that, no matter how she defines "bad mother," that definition is still unrealistic. When she breaks her moody habit and labels herself useless, then we can sit down and work together on her son's schoolwork.

NANCY: But I still feel like I'm a "bad mom."

DAVID: Okay, so again, what is your definition?

NANCY: As someone who doesn't care enough about their children, that positive care. I'm too busy with school. And when I keep an eye on him, I'm afraid my approach is negative. Who knows? I mean that.

DAVID: So a "bad mother" is someone who doesn't care enough about her children, you mean? But in what respect?

NANCY: Enough for children to be good people.

DAVID: Is it good in every way or just some?

NANCY: Some aspects. No one is good in all aspects.

DAVID: So is your Bobby good at anything? Do you have any good qualities to make up for?

NANCY: Oh yes. He's good at the things he loves.

DAVID: Well, you're not a "bad mother" by the definition you just shared, because your son still does a lot of things well.

NANCY: So why do I feel like a bad mother?

DAVID: It seems like you used to label yourself a "bad mom," because she wanted to spend more time with her kids, and at times she felt inferior, and because it was obvious that she needed to improve the way she communicated with Bobby. But if you default to yourself as a "bad mother," it doesn't help in solving the problem. You know what I mean?

NANCY: If I had given him more attention and helped him more, his studies would have been better than they are now, and he would have been much happier. I felt it was my fault that he didn't do well in school.

DAVID: So you're willing to take all the blame on yourself?

NANCY: yes, it's my fault. I'm a bad mother.

DAVID: And if you achieve success, or happiness, then that must be your credit?

NANCY: No—it's his work, not mine.

DAVID: Do you find what you're saying reasonable? You're responsible for his mistakes, but if he's good, isn't that your effort?

NANCY: That's not reasonable.

DAVID: So have you realized what I mean?

NANCY: I see.

DAVID: "Bad mother" is just an abstract concept; No such thing as a "bad mother" exists in this world.

NANCY: Yes. But mothers can do something bad.

DAVID: You're a human being, and people do all sorts of things — good, bad, and neutral. "Bad Mother" is a dream thing; does not exist in the world. The table and chair are real. And "bad mother" is abstract. You know what I mean?

NANCY: I know what you mean, but some moms are more seasoned and efficient than others.

DAVID: Yes, but there are also many levels and levels of effectiveness in parenting skills. Most of us have a lot to improve. The important question here is not "Am I a good or bad mother?" but "What strengths and shortcomings do I have, and what can I do to improve?"

NANCY: I see. This approach to the problem sounds reasonable and makes me much happier. When I label myself a "bad mom," I feel incompetent and anxious, and then I can't do anything about it. Now I realized what he was aiming for. Once I stop criticizing myself, I'll feel more comfortable, and maybe help Bobby more.

DAVID: That's right! So when you look at things this way, you're trying to fix the problem. For example, what skills do you have in parenting? How did you improve those skills? That's the aspect I want to share with you in Bobby's case. Seeing herself as a "bad mother" eroded her emotional resources, keeping her from focusing on improving her motherhood skills. So it's irresponsible.

NANCY: It is. If I stopped punishing myself with that statement, I would be much better, and I could start looking for ways to help Bobby. The moment I stopped calling myself a bad mom, my mood lifted.

DAVID: yes, so what do you say to yourself now when the "bad mother" disease comes up?

NANCY: I'll tell myself I don't need to hate myself if there's something I don't like about Bobby, or if he has problems at school. I can make an effort to identify the problem, and proactively deal with it, find a way to solve it.

DAVID: Exactly. That's the positive approach. I really like this. She dismissed the negative thought, and replaced it with a positive affirmation. I like that.

Next, we discussed how to respond to some of the "automatic thoughts" she listed after receiving a call from Teacher Bobby (see Figure 4-2 below). When Nancy learns to break back her self-critical thinking pattern, she feels relieved; It was the emotion she needed at the moment. Now she could reflect on some specific, appropriate ways to help Bobby get rid of the problem he was facing.

Figure 4-2. This is an exercise that documents the learning difficulties Bob by is experiencing. The method is similar to the "parallel three-column technique," except that she doesn't need to identify the false thinking behind the automatic thoughts in her head.
Automatic Thinking (SELF-CRITICISM) Rational feedback (SELF-DEFENSE)
1. I don't care about Bobby 1. I really spend too much time with him; I'm too protective of you.
2. I was supposed to tutor him at home, and now he doesn't have an organized mind, and doesn't know how to learn at school. 2. Homework is your child's responsibility, not mine. I can show them how to arrange their studies. So what are my responsibilities?
a. Check homework;
b. Insist on the deadline you have to complete;
c. Ask if your child has any difficulties;
d. Have a plan to reward your child;
3. A good mother must spend time with her children every evening. 3. Not true. I'll spend time with him when I want and can, but it's not feasible all the time. Also, the study plan was his.
4. I take full responsibility for my child's bad behavior and education. 4. I can only give direction to Bobby. The rest of him had to be self-reliant.
5. If I had helped my child from the beginning, he would not have had difficulties at school.
If I had taken the trouble to follow his homework earlier, this wouldn't have happened.
5. It's not. The problem still happens even when we supervise things.
6. I'm a bad mother. I caused this to you. 6. I'm not a bad mother; I try. I have no control over everything that happens in your life. I may have to talk to him and his teacher to see if there's a way to help him. Why punish yourself every time someone you love has a problem?
7. All the other moms are supportive, and I don't know how to communicate with Bobby. 7. Overgeneralization! That's not the case. No more grief, let's start dealing with the problem.

The first step in the plan was to talk to Bobby about the difficulties he was having, to identify the root of the problem. Does he really have learning difficulties as the teacher reflects? How aware is he of this? Do you really feel stressed and less confident in class? Only when Nancy gets this information and identifies the real problem will she know what she needs to do to find the right solution. For example, if Bobby tells his mother that he finds some subjects too difficult, she must set up an appropriate reward regime so that he is motivated to do more homework. She may need to read more books on parenting skills. Her relationship with Bobby improved, and his grades and behavior at school changed rapidly.

The mistake Nancy made was criticizing her motherhood. This kind of criticism makes her feel weak because it makes her mistakenly believe that she has a serious problem that cannot be solved. The emotional distress caused by self-labeling made it impossible for her to identify the real problem, to break it down into specific parts, and of course to find the right solution.

If she continued to subdue her emotions, it was more likely that Bobby's studies would end forever, and she would feel more and more helpless.

What lessons did you take from Nancy's example? At times when you seem helpless to yourself, ask yourself what is the point if you keep labeling yourself ugly labels such as "idiot," "disgrace," "idiot," etc. Once you've realized how damaging that type of labeling can be, you'll find it arbitrary and meaningless. It obscures the problem, causing feelings of confusion and hopelessness. If you can eliminate it, you can identify and cope with all the real difficulties in life.

Abbreviate:

Remember these three important steps every time you're upset:

1. Aim at automatic thoughts and write them down. Don't let it hang around in your head; Make it show up on paper!

2. Re-read this list of 10 misleading mindsets. Be aware that you are distorting things and exaggerating things.

3. Instead, choose a more objective way of thinking to put aside lies that make you look down on yourself. When you do this, you'll start to feel happier. You'll build your self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness (of course, depression, too) will dissipate.

In previous chapters, you learned how to change your mood through changing your mindset.

There is still another method that helps you improve your mood, and this method is extremely effective. Humans are not only thinking creatures, we also know how to act. Therefore, we can completely transform our inner emotions through behavior change. But there's a snag — when you're depressed, you don't want to do anything.

One of the bad effects of depression is paralysis of your willpower. At your mildest, you don't want to do things you don't like. When the condition gets worse, nearly every activity seems so difficult that you don't want to move your hands and feet. Because what you do so little, you feel worse and worse. Not only do you cut yourself off from inspiration and joy in your work, but you are also ineffective, and that increases your feelings of self-hatred, causing you to become more and more distant and incompetent.

If you don't recognize the emotional prison you're holding yourself in, it will continue for weeks, months, even years. That passivity will make you extremely disappointed if you were proud of the abundant energy of old. Your laziness affects your family and friends who don't understand why you become the way you do, just as you are confused about yourself. They will assume that you deliberately want to be upset, otherwise you would have "found something to do".

These kinds of comments make the pain, the numbness in you worse.

Lazyism symbolizes one of the greatest paradoxes about human nature. While some people are always burning out in everything, others are always scrambling, obstructing themselves no matter what they do, as if they are conspiring against themselves. Do you wonder why?

If a person is held in isolation for months at a time, or isolated from all routine activities and interactions, severe depression is bound to occur.

Even baby monkeys show signs of disability, appearing distant if separated from the pack and confined to a small cage. So why would you voluntarily impose the same kind of punishment on yourself? Do you like being like that? When using conscious methods, you'll discover the exact reasons why you're having trouble motivating yourself.

In the course of treating patients, I have found that the vast majority of people with depression who come to me experience significant improvement when they decide to help themselves. Sometimes it doesn't matter how you act, as long as you do something in a spirit of self-reliance.

I know of two so-called "incurable" cases that have made great progress thanks to a simple method: drawing on paper. A painter, for many long years he believed he could not draw a straight line. As a result, he didn't bother to paint at all. When his doctor asked him to try to prove whether what was being said about him was true or false, by drawing a line on paper. Soon he was able to paint again, and the sickness also dissipated on its own! And so many other depressed patients will go through a period where they are unruly and refuse to do anything to help themselves. As soon as this serious problem is removed, signs of depression usually disappear as well. So, you can understand why our research is largely focused on identifying the factors that paralyze people's will. With this knowledge, we have developed some specific methods to help you overcome procrastination.

Allow me to analyze two troublesome cases that I have recently treated. You might think that their laziness has reached the point of being too harsh and jump to conclusions: These people "must be crazy" because they are so different from themselves. In fact, I believe their problem stems from a similar attitude to you, so don't brush them aside.

Patient A, a 28-year-old woman, tested herself to see how she reacted to a number of different activities. As it turned out, she felt much more elated after she did almost anything. Her list of things to lift her spirits includes: cleaning the house, practicing guitar, going to the grocery store to cook dinner, etc. There was only one thing that made her feel worse; And it was that it made her feel miserable to the extreme. Can you guess what that is? LAZINESS: lounging in bed all day long, staring at the ceiling and gnawing at all sorts of negative thoughts in your head. And guess what she does on the weekend. That's right!

She clung to the bed from Saturday morning and began a string of hellish days. You think she really wants to be miserable?

Patient B, a doctor, sent me a clear, concise message from the early days of treatment. She says she understands the speed of recovery depends on how cooperative the patient is, and insists she wants to be cured more than anyone else in the world, because depression has tormented her for 16 years. She also emphasized that she was happy to attend therapy sessions on the condition that she not do anything to help herself. If I made her spend 5 minutes doing her homework, she would have killed herself. After listening to her describe in detail the terrifying, deadly method of self-destruction she outlined for herself in the hospital's operating room, it became clear to me that she was taking it seriously. Why was she so determined not to help herself?

I know your procrastination may not be too severe and only involve small things like paying bills, going to the dentist, etc. Or maybe you're having trouble completing a fairly simple report that's crucial to your career. But the question remains the same — why do we so often behave unfavorably toward ourselves?

Although the study of affective disorders has given us a unique opportunity to observe unexpected changes in the motivation of our subjects in a short period of time. The same people who once carried abundant creative energy and optimism can turn into pathetic, bedridden people after only one episode of depression. By tracking enormous changes in mood, we can gather some valuable evidence, revealing many mysteries about human motivation.

Put simply, ask yourself, "When I think of unfinished tasks, what thoughts immediately come to mind?" Next, write those thoughts down. What you write will demonstrate some poorly adapted attitudes, misperceptions, and unfounded assumptions. You'll recognize emotions that hinder your motivation, such as lethargy, stress, or feeling things are too much to bear, as a result of distorted thoughts in your mind.

Figure 5-1 on the side page shows the Apathetic Attitude Loop. The thoughts in the patient's mind are all negative; he said to himself, "Try to do something, I was born a failure, so my whole life will be associated with failure." This thought sounds very convincing when you are in a state of depression; it makes you no longer want to do anything; It gives you the feeling that you are incompetent, that everything is too much to bear, that you feel disgusted with yourself, and hopeless. Then you use these negative emotions as evidence that the pessimistic attitude is justified, and you begin to change the way you view life. Because you believe that whatever you do is broken, you don't even try; You just stay in bed. You lie still, eyes glued to the ceiling, waiting for the drowsiness to come, painfully realizing that you are leaving your career to dissipate and your business shrinking to the point of bankruptcy. You don't bother to answer the phone or are afraid to receive bad news; Life turned into a long series of days full of discouragement, fear and misery. That loop goes on until you figure out how to break it.



THOUGHTS THAT ARE HARMFUL TO YOURSELF:
"IT'S OKAY TO LIFT YOUR ARMS AND LEGS. I don't have the strength. I'm not in the mood either. Even if you try, you will fail. Things were too difficult. No matter what we do, we don't feel satisfied. I don't want to do anything, so why do I have to. I just lay in bed for a while. I went to bed and forgot everything. Isn't that much easier? Rest is superior."

EMOTIONS THAT ARE BAD FOR YOURSELF:
You feel tired, depressed, apathetic, self-loathing, discouraged, guilty, hopeless, worthless, and everything too much to bear.
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– ACTIONS HARMFUL TO YOURSELF:


You're bedridden. Avoid meeting people, avoid work and all activities that bring a sense of fulfillment.


CONSEQUENCES OF THE APATHY LOOP:
You become isolated from your friends. This makes you believe that you are a failure. It is your growing inefficiency that makes you believe that you are truly incapable. You keep sinking deeper into a state of paralysis because of a lack of motivation to live.

Figure 5-1. Apathetic attitude loop. Thoughts that are harmful to yourself make you miserable. Painful emotions take turns making you believe that your distorted, pessimistic thoughts are authentic. Similarly, thoughts and actions that are detrimental to oneself reinforce each other into a circle. The unflattering consequences of laziness make your problems even worse.

As I mentioned in the chart above, the relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is reciprocal — all of your emotions and actions are the result of your thoughts and attitudes. Similarly, how you feel and act will impact your perspective in a variety of ways. According to this model, change in emotions is rooted in ideology; Changing your behavior will help you feel better about yourself if it makes a positive impact on the way you think. Therefore, you can completely correct your harmful thought pattern through changing your behavior. You will help yourself realize that these harmful thoughts are just lies, the source of the problem of lack of motivation. Similarly, when you change the way you think, you will be more in the mood to "get to work", and that creates a stronger, positive impact on the way you think. Thus, you can completely turn the apathetic attitude loop into an effective cycle.

Here are common ways of thinking when people procrastinate or appear lazy. You may find that you've had one of these types of thoughts:

1. Despair.

When you are melancholy, the pain of the present moment invades your entire mind, makes you forget that you used to feel happy in the past, and makes you believe that in the future you cannot feel happy. Therefore, all activities become meaningless, because you are convinced that you have lost all motivation, and the feeling of frustration seems endless and impossible to turn. With this in mind, advice like: find something to do, to "help yourself" sounds ridiculous, insensitive, like telling the dying person to cheer up.

2. Impotence.

Almost nothing will make you happier, because you believe your current mood is caused by factors beyond your control, such as fate, hormone levels in your body, diet, luck, and the judgment that outsiders have of you.

3. Put pressure on yourself.

There are many ways you can pressure yourself to go lazy. You can exaggerate what you have to do to the point where it seems impossible to solve it. You think you have to get everything done at once, instead of breaking it down into parts, doing it slowly, little by little. Then sometimes you inadvertently distract yourself by thinking about unfinished tasks, instead of focusing on getting things done in front of you. Let me illustrate to you how ridiculous this thought is. Imagine every time you sit at the dinner table, you think about all the foods you have to put in your mouth for the rest of your life. Imagine piling up in front of you are tons of meat, vegetables, ice cream, plus tens of thousands of liters of water! And you have to eat every single item before you die!

Now imagine before every meal, you say to yourself, "This meal is just a drop in the ocean. How can I eat all that food? Then it doesn't make sense to eat a burger this afternoon." Thinking about it is enough to make you dizzy and tired to the point where you don't want to eat, your gut cramps. When you remember things you haven't finished, you're tormenting yourself just like the example above, you're just not aware.

4. Hasty conclusions.

Bạn cảm thấy mình không có khả năng làm những việc mang tính hiệu quả đem lại sự hài lòng, bởi có những câu nói gần như trở thành cửa miệng của bạn, “Tôi không làm được đâu,” hoặc “Tôi cũng muốn lắm nhưng…” Do đó, khi tôi đề nghị một bệnh nhân nữ bị trầm cảm rằng hãy nướng cho tôi một ổ bánh táo, bà đáp, “Tôi không còn nấu nướng được như xưa nữa bác sĩ ơi.” Nhưng điều bà thật sự muốn chia sẻ với tôi là, “Tôi có cảm giác mình không còn mê nấu nướng nữa. Mấy món đó giờ sao khó nấu quá chừng.” Khi bà kiểm tra xem những giả định trên có đúng hay không bằng cách đi nướng bánh, thì bà cảm thấy việc làm bánh rất vui và không hề khó khăn.

5. Tự dán nhãn.

Càng lần lữa bao nhiêu, bạn càng tin mình là người kém cỏi bấy nhiêu. Thói xấu này hút dần vẻ tự tin của bạn. Vấn đề càng trở nên nghiêm trọng khi bạn tự dán nhãn cho mình là “kẻ hay chần chừ,” hoặc “đồ lười biếng.” Chính nó sẽ khiến bạn nhìn nhận việc không hành động hiệu quả chính là “con người thật của bạn,” để bạn tự động không còn trông chờ nhiều vào bản thân, thậm chí hoàn toàn không trông đợi gì.

6. Xem nhẹ giá trị của thành quả.

Khi trở nên buồn rầu, bạn có thể không muốn bắt tay vào thực hiện bất kỳ hoạt động có ý nghĩa nào, bởi ngoài lý do bạn tin rằng mọi thứ trước mắt đều quá khó thì còn một lý do nữa: bạn thấy nó không bõ công.

Một doanh nhân than thở với tôi rằng không có việc ông làm trong suốt một ngày khiến ông hài lòng. Ông kể thêm: buổi sáng ông nhấc máy gọi cho khách hàng thì đầu dây bên kia bận máy. Đặt điện thoại xuống, ông tự nhủ, “Thật phí thời gian.”

Nhưng cũng trong buổi sáng đó ông chốt xong một thương vụ quan trọng. Lần này ông tự nhủ, “Chuyện này trong công ty ai mà không làm được, thậm chí còn làm tốt hơn mình. Vấn đề này thật đơn giản, nên vai trò của mình không hề quan trọng.”

Tình trạng thiếu cảm giác hài lòng là hệ quả của việc ông luôn tìm cách hạ thấp công sức của bản thân. Thói quen xấu hay thốt ra câu “Chẳng có gì đáng kể” đã triệt tiêu mọi cảm giác hài lòng vừa nhen nhóm.

7. Cầu toàn.

Bạn tự khiến mình thất bại khi đặt ra những mục tiêu và tiêu chuẩn không phù hợp. Bạn không chấp nhận được khi có việc bạn làm ra mà không vĩ đại hay tuyệt hảo, vậy nên cuối cùng bạn quyết định không làm gì hết.

8. Sợ thất bại.

Một kiểu tư duy khác khiến bạn tê liệt là nỗi sợ thất bại. Vì khi tưởng tượng đến cảnh “đổ mồ hôi sôi nước mắt” mà thành công vẫn không đến, thì đó quả là thất bại quá sức chịu đựng, vậy nên bạn không làm hết. Có nhiều lối tư duy sai lệch liên quan đến nỗi sợ thất bại, và phổ biến nhất là khái quát hóa quá mức. Bạn lý luận rằng, “Nếu tôi thất bại trong chuyện này thì tôi làm cũng thất bại.” Điều này, dĩ nhiên là, không thể xảy ra. Không ai thất bại trong mọi thứ.

Chúng ta ai cũng có lúc thành công, có khi thất bại. Dù trên thực tế, thành công mang hương vị ngọt ngào, còn thất bại thì thường cay đắng, nhưng thất bại không cần phải trở thành liều thuốc độc, và vị đắng sẽ không đeo bám bạn mãi mãi.

Lối tư duy thứ hai góp phần mang đến nỗi sợ thất bại chính là khi bạn đánh giá khả năng của mình chỉ đơn thuần dựa trên kết quả đạt được, chứ không tính đến nỗ lực bạn bỏ ra. Tư duy vô lý này thể hiện “xu hướng thành quả,” hoàn toàn đối lập với “xu hướng quá trình.” Cho phép tôi giải thích thêm bằng một ví dụ cá nhân. Trong vai trò bác sĩ điều trị tâm lý, tôi hoàn toàn có khả năng kiểm soát những điều mình nói ra và cách tôi tương tác với bệnh nhân. Nhưng tôi không thể kiểm soát được cách bệnh nhân phản hồi lại nỗ lực giúp đỡ của tôi trong quá trình điều trị. Những điều tôi nói và cách tôi giao tiếp chính là quá trình; còn phản hồi của bệnh nhân là kết quả. Bất cứ ngày nào trong tuần cũng có nhiều bệnh nhân nhận xét rằng họ thấy phấn chấn hơn nhiều sau buổi điều trị, nhưng cũng có một vài bệnh nhân cho biết họ hoàn toàn không thấy chuyển biến gì.

If I were to judge my work solely on the basis of results, I would be delighted to hear the good news from patients, and to feel like failures and weaknesses when patients reacted negatively. This will make my emotional life feel like a roller coaster, and my self-esteem will go up and down aimlessly, tired all day long. But if I admit to myself the fact that I can only control what I contribute to the session, then I can be proud of myself for putting in the hard work, regardless of the outcome. It was a huge personal victory for me, because I learned to judge the work I did based on the process and not the end result. If a patient tells me the outcome is not good for them, I will seek to learn. If I do something wrong, I'll be determined to fix it, but I'm not going to jump upstairs to end my life.

9. Fear of success.

If you lack confidence, success may seem riskier than failure, because you assume it is based on chance. So you believe you can't sustain success, and you feel like success will only make others expect more of you. Suddenly one day, the harsh truth is brought to light, you are just a "loser" no less, then the frustration, alienation and pain will be much more bitter.

Because you know that day will come, it's best not to succeed, so as not to taste failure.

Maybe you're afraid of success partly because you think others will demand more of you. You believe you have to be what everyone expects you to be, but you can't do that, so success puts you in danger, into impossible situations. So you try to take control by not making promises or getting involved.

10. Fear of opposition or criticism.

You imagine that if you try something new, any small mistake or mistake will entail strong opposition and criticism because the people you care about will not accept you if you are not perfect. The risk of being rejected by others can seem so dangerous that to protect yourself, try to be as "normal" as possible. If you don't do it, you can't make mistakes!

11. Feeling forced and opposed.

The deadly enemy of motivation is the feeling of being forced. You feel compelled to act under pressure — either from within yourself, or from the external environment. This feeling occurs when you seek to motivate yourself with "moral" words like "should" and "should." You say to yourself, "I should do this," and "I have to do that." Then you feel obligated, heavily responsible, stressed, resistant, and guilty. It's as if you're a juvenile offender being disciplined under strict police supervision. Everything becomes so uncomfortable that you can't face it. Then you procrastinate, accusing yourself of being lazy, nothing. This kind of thinking is increasingly eroding your energy.

12. It is difficult to accept what is not satisfactory.

You think you have the ability to solve problems and achieve your goals quickly and easily, so when life is in full swing, you will fall into panic and anger. Instead of persevering through those stages, on the contrary, you seek to "-for-tat" with the "injustices" that life brings, and so you surrender. I also call this phenomenon "claim syndrome" because you feel and behave as if you have an implicit right to be successful, loved, accepted, have perfect health, joy, etc.

The feeling of frustration arises from the habit of comparing reality with the ideals you draw in your mind. When two things don't match, you attribute the harsh realities of life.

What you don't realize at all is that changing personal expectations is much easier than trying to change reality.

Feelings of frustration are often caused by "should do, must do" statements. While jogging, you may suddenly lament, "Running too much, my physique must be much better now." Really? Why be more beautiful? You probably believe that such criticism and claims will help you be motivated to keep trying harder. Unfortunately that's rarely the case. Frustration only makes you feel worthless, urging you to give up and do nothing.

13. There are feelings of guilt and self-blame.

If you always believe that you are bad or make people sad, then naturally you lose all motivation to live every day. I recently treated an elderly woman who was lonely. Most of the time she stays in bed, despite the fact that she feels happier when she carries her bag shopping, cooking, or meeting friends. Why is that? This lovely grandmother took responsibility for herself for her daughter's divorce 5 years ago. She explained, "When I visited them, I should have called my son-in-law back, and talked right and wrong with him. I should have asked him how the family was going. Maybe I can help them. I wanted to help, but I didn't take chances. Now I feel like I've let my kids down." After we sat down to analyze the absurdity of her way of thinking, she immediately got upset and became energetic again. The reason was simple, she was a human rather than a saint, and how did she predict the future, and how did she know exactly how to intervene.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Then what? I already knew laziness was ridiculous and bad for myself. I also realized I had the same psychological states my doctor described. But I felt like I was wading in the mud. I couldn't motivate myself to act. The doctor would have assumed that this feeling was just a consequence of my attitude to life, but my heart was heavy as a stone. What do I do now?"

Did you know any positive activity can improve your mood? If you do nothing, your mind will be flooded with negative thoughts. If you do something, you'll temporarily distract yourself from the self-deprecating monologue in your head. The most important thing is that the feeling of mastery will erase the distorted thoughts that make you sluggish at first.

In the process of considering self-motivation techniques, choose some of the methods that work best for you, to practice for about a week or two. And remember, it is not necessary to master every technique! Methods that work for one person may not work for another. Use techniques that seem like "shoemaking" for your procrastination state.

Daily schedule.

Simple and effective (Figure 5-2 on the side page), a daily schedule will help you combat your own apathetic attitude. The timetable consists of two parts. In the Plan column, plan by the hour what you want to get done by the end of the day. You may only actually do part of the plan, but the simple act of planning every day can be extremely effective. Your plan doesn't need to be too specific. Just one or two short words describe what you want to do during that time, such as "change," "lunch," "resume." This shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.

At the end of the day, fill out the Summary column. Record what you actually did during the day at each time interval. It may be the same, it may be different from planned; But even if you're just staring at the wall, write it down. And yet, evaluate each activity; any activity you try to do adds the letter M (Mastery), and if the activity is fun, you write the letter P (Pleasure). The activities you put in represent the things that pay off, such as brushing your teeth, cooking dinner, driving to work, etc. Fun activities are things like reading, eating, going to the movies, etc. After you've added the letter M or P to each activity, approximate how fun or difficult the activity is on a scale of 0 to 5. For example, you give an M-1 for extremely easy things like changing clothes, and an M-4 or M-5 for more challenging things that cause you to brainstorm more like refraining from eating or applying for a job. You can score fun activities on a similar scale.

If the same activities but in the past, when you weren't depressed, it was fun, and now it's almost no fun, give it a P-1/2 or P-0. Some activities, such as cooking dinner, can be assigned an M or P depending on you.

Figure 5-2.Daily Timetable
PLAN: Plan what you want to do by the hour, from the start of the day. SUMMARY: At the end of the day, record what you actually accomplished and score each activity according to an M (Effort) or P (Fun Activity)*
Date:____
8-9
9-10
10-11
11-12
12-1
1-2
2-3
3-4
4-5
5-6
6-7
7-8
8-9
9-12

*Rate M or P on a scale of 0 to 5. The higher the score, the more satisfaction it feels.

How does a simple schedule like this help us?

First, it helps you reduce your tendency to obsess about the value of different activities and no longer have to fight whether or not to do something. Even completing just a small part of your plan each day gives you a sense of satisfaction and helps reverse depression.

In planning your day, remember to balance leisure activities as well as work. If you're bored, you may need more activities that make you feel happier, even if you don't know if you enjoy the activity as much as you used to. Sometimes you are tired of demanding yourself too much, causing an imbalance between the need to "give and receive." If this is the case, set aside a few days of "vacation" and plan only what you want to do.

When you stick to the plan, you'll feel much more motivated.

As you get to work, you'll begin to let go of your belief that you're incapable of doing anything for yourself. As one procrastinator told me, "When I plan each day and compare performance, I become conscious of how I spend my time. This method helped me regain control of my life. I realized I had control if I wanted to."

Keep a minimum daily schedule for a week. When you review what you've done over the past week, you'll find that there are some activities that make you feel more satisfied and happy, corresponding to high scores. As you plan your next week, schedule more time for those activities, and avoid things that don't feel satisfying.

The daily schedule is especially helpful for a common symptom I call "weekend/holiday sadness." This is the characteristic feeling of sadness that is common in single people who feel miserable when left alone. If you see the above description like you, then you will probably think that the time seems unbearable, so you rarely brainstorm to think of activities for yourself. You look at the four walls and sullen, or lie flat in bed all day Saturday or Sunday; Or a little better, watching a bland TV show while cooking yourself a speaker-to-over dinner with peanut butter sandwiches and packaged coffee. No wonder the weekends were so heavy! Not only are you sad and lonely, but more seriously, you treat yourself in a way that makes the pain even more intense. Have you ever treated others that callously?

You'll easily get rid of weekend sadness by using a Daily Schedule. On Friday night, plan for Saturday, hour by hour. You might object because, "What's the point of doing that? I'm alone." In fact, it's the fact that you're alone that is why you need to use a schedule. Why do you think you have to be miserable? This thought is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let's experiment by applying the above effective method. Your plan doesn't need to be too complicated to work. You can plan to get your hair done, go shopping, visit museums, read a book, or take a walk around the park. You'll discover that making a plan and following a plan throughout the day will be helpful in improving your mood. And who knows—if you're willing to care about yourself, you'll suddenly find that the people around you will notice you more, too!

At the end of the day before you go to bed, write down what you actually did for the day hour by hour, and grade each activity according to an M or P rating. Then, plan the next day. This simple process can be the first step toward self-respect and self-reliance.

The evaluation panel resists procrastination.

The picture on the side page is an exercise that you will find useful to help break the habit of procrastination in everything. However, you need to avoid activities that seem too difficult or not worth the effort. Use this Rubric (Figure 5-3) to train yourself how to test bad forecasts. Each day, you write in the appropriate columns one or more things you are procrastinating. If the task requires a lot of time and energy, it is best to break it down into several steps, so that each step takes only 15 minutes or less to complete. Now, write in the column next to your prediction of how difficult the task is about to be done, on a scale from 0% to 100%. If you think it will be easy, you can give it a low figure of about 10% or 20%; For harder tasks, you give 80% or 90%. In the next column, predict how satisfied and worthy you will feel after completing each task one by one, also based on a percentage scale. Once you've made your predictions, get down to taking the first step on the list. Once you've completed the task, remember to record your true assessment of the difficulty of the process, as well as the level of satisfaction with the results. You include the above information in the last two columns, also based on a percentage.

Figure 5-3 below shows a professor who used the rubric to overcome a delay of months in writing an application letter for a teaching position at another university.

As you can see, he thought writing letters would be difficult and not fun. After jotting down his pessimistic predictions, he became curious and sat down to compose an outline, drafting a letter to see if it was as boring and useless as he thought. He was surprised to find that the first steps were both easy and delightful to him; It gave him a strong motivation to finish the letter. He noted the sense of reality in the last two columns. The information gained from this experiment was so great that he applied this assessment to many other areas of his life. The result: His productivity and confidence increased dramatically, and his depression disappeared.

Figure 5-3. One professor procrastinated for months not to write a letter, because he thought it was both difficult and unpleasant. He decided to break down the task into several steps, and predicted the difficulty and satisfaction for each step on a scale of 0% to 100% (see the corresponding columns below.) And after taking a step, he noted the difficulty and true sense of satisfaction that the job brings. And he was surprised to realize that his previous thoughts were not true at all.
Evaluation panel against procrastination


(Write down your predictions about difficulty and satisfaction before you do the work. Then, jot down the difficulty and actual satisfaction after you've done each step.)

Date Activities (Break each task down into small steps) Prediction difficulty (0-100%) Anticipated satisfaction (0-100%) True difficulty (0-100%) True satisfaction (0-100%)
6/10/99 1. Compose an outline of the letter 90 10 10 60
2. Write drafts 90 10 10 75
3. Revise your draft 75 10 5 80
4. Write down the recipient's address and bring the message 50 5 0 95

Diary of unusual thoughts

This type of journal is extremely useful when you don't bother to move your hands and feet. You just need to write down the thoughts that come to mind when you think about a particular thing. This action helps you immediately recognize where the problem lies. Next, write down reasonable responses to prove that the thoughts are not true. This will help you mobilize energy to take the difficult first step.

Just like that, you'll have momentum to do what needs to be done.

An example of this method is illustrated in Figure 5-4 on the side page. Annette is an attractive woman and is still single.

She owns and operates a small shop (she's the same patient A I mentioned in the laziness section). During the week she was very productive because the work at the store was extremely busy. By the end of the week, she tends to cling to her bed unless she's scheduled to socialize. As soon as she put herself down on the bed, she became depressed, but thought she couldn't get out of it.

As Annette records the thoughts in her head one Sunday morning (as in the example below), the problem emerges: She waits for an inspiration, need, hobby, or energy to fall from the sky to accomplish something. She justified that it was useless to be alone; and she tortured herself and humiliated herself for that stubbornness.

When she countered the thoughts in her head, she said she felt a little less gloomy and she was able to get out of bed, take a shower and change. After that, she felt more excited, so she called a friend to ask for dinner or a movie. Like what she anticipated in the Rational Feedback column, the more active she was, the happier she felt.

Figure 5-4. Diary of unusual thoughts
Date Situation Emotion Automatic thoughts Reasonable response Result
15/7/99 I lay flat in bed all day. Contagious sleep – not having the strength to sit up and do something cool. – Bored
– Exhausted
– Guilty
– Hate Yourself
– Lonely
I don't want to do anything. It's because I don't do anything. Remember, if you do it, you will be motivated! Feeling relieved and decided to sit up, take a shower.
I don't have the strength to get out of bed. I can get out of bed; I'm not lame.
I'm a failure. Whatever I want to do, I do it successfully. Not doing anything makes us depressed and depressed, but that doesn't mean we're a "loser" because in this world, it doesn't exist.
I have no interest at all. I'm interested, but not at a time when I'm not doing anything. If I start looking for things to do, I'll probably feel more excited.

If you decide to use this method, you need to make sure that you actually write down all the thoughts that bother you.

If you try to think in your head, you will probably get nowhere, because the thoughts that are confusing you are very elusive and extremely complicated. When you try to refute it, it affects you even harder, from all directions, to the point where you don't understand what's going on. But if you write it down, you're dissecting it from a rational point of view. This way, you can ruminate on it, identify misconceptions, and find helpful answers.

Table predicts joy.

One of the attitudes that makes Annette self-defeating is that she thinks it's useless to live alone. It was this belief that kept her lying in bed, feeling extremely miserable, and it reinforced her attitude about how horrible it was to live alone.

Solution: Test your beliefs using the Joy Prediction Table in Figure 5-5 on the side page.

Over the next few weeks, plan to do some activities that promise to bring satisfaction or help with personal growth. Some activities you can do alone, others with people around you. Remember to record who engages with you in the right column, and predict the sense of satisfaction that activity gives you, from 0 to 100%. Then do the activity and record how you really feel after doing it. You'll be surprised to realize that what you do alone is more satisfying than you think.

But you have to make sure that what you do alone is of the same quality as what you do with others, so that your comparison is valuable. If you're at home eating dinner while watching TV alone, for example, you can't compare it to dinner with a friend at a fancy French restaurant.

Figure 5-5. Pleasure prediction table
Date Activities that provide a sense of satisfaction (Feeling happy or successful) Who to join?
(If you do it yourself, write "Alone")
Predict feelings of satisfaction
(0-100%)
–(Write before you do.)
True
satisfaction (0-100%)
–(Write after implementation.)
2/8/99 Reading 1 hour Alone 50% 60%
3/8/99 Dinner + Bar with Ben In 80% 90%
4/8/99 Susan's party Alone 80% 85%
5/8/99 New York và dì Helen Parents and grandmothers 40% 30%
5/8/99 Arriving at Nancy's house Nancy và Joelle 75% 65%
6/8/99 Dinner at Nancy's house 12 persons 60% 80%
6/8/99 Luci's party Luci + 5 persons 70% 70%
7/8/99 Jogging Alone 80% 70%
8/8/99 Go to the theater Lighting 60% 85%
9/8/99 Harry's party Harry, Jack, Ben và Jim 60% 85%
10/8/99 Jogging Alone 70% 70%
10/8/99 Join the Philies game Father 50% 70%
11/8/99 Dinner Susan and Ben 70% 70%
12/8/99 Visit art museums Alone 60% 70%
12/8/99 Peabody's party Fred 80% 85%
13/8/99 Jogging Alone 70% 80%

The table above shows the activities of a young man who discovers his girlfriend (who lives almost 300km away) knows someone else and no longer wants to see him. Instead of mourning, he began to care more about his own life. You'll see in the last column, the level of satisfaction he feels when working alone is between 60% and 90%, and about 30% – 90% in the presence of others. This further confirms that he is fully capable of moving on his own, because he realizes one thing: being abandoned by his girlfriend does not make him drowning in suffering, and it does not take someone else for him to enjoy the pleasure.

You can also use the Joy Prediction Table to review some assumptions that make you procrastinate on this or that. These assumptions include:

Being alone doesn't make me happy.

There's no point in doing it because I've failed badly in the past (e.g., I didn't get the job, or I didn't get the promotion I wanted.)

Since I wasn't rich, successful, or famous, I couldn't enjoy life to the fullest.

I can't enjoy anything unless I'm the center of attention.

Nothing satisfies me unless I can do it perfectly (or successfully).

I don't feel very satisfied if I'm only partially done. I have to get everything done today.

It is these attitudes that will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy for your life, if you do not bring it to test.

However, if you apply the method of predicting pleasure during testing, you will be surprised to realize how much satisfaction life can give you. Help yourself!

One question my patients often ask me when asked to make a Pleasure Prediction Table is: "Let's just say I make a list of activities to do, but I find out that those things aren't as fun as I predicted, so what?" This could happen. If that's the case, pay attention to the negative emotion in your heart, write it down, and find answers to it with a journal of unusual thoughts. For example, you might go out to a restaurant alone and feel stressed. You may say to yourself, "The people around you will think I'm pathetic because I'm sitting here alone."

How do you counter that thought? You may need to remind yourself that what others think doesn't hurt your mood. I illustrate this to patients by letting them know I will have two thoughts about them, each lasting for 15 seconds.

One thought is extremely positive, while the other will be extremely negative and offensive. They will tell me how my thoughts impact them. I closed my eyes and thought, "Jack sitting in front of me is a good person, and I like him." Next I would think to myself, "Jack is the worst guy in Pennsylvania." But Jack had no idea what I was thinking in his head, so it didn't affect him at all!

Do you think the experiment was petty?

Not at all — because only your own thoughts affect you. For example, if you're sitting in a restaurant, feeling extremely miserable because you have to eat alone, you really don't know what's on the minds of the people around you. Only what you think in your head makes you feel so bad; You are the only person in the world who can abuse yourself. Why do you label yourself a "pathetic" just because you go out to a restaurant alone? Are you so rude to others?

Stop insulting yourself like that! Counter these automatic thoughts with the argument: "Going out to a restaurant alone doesn't make you pathetic. I have the right to sit and eat like everyone else. If someone doesn't like it, what's the point? As long as I respect myself, what others think I don't care."

Nothing, but nothing.

The method of removing the word "but".

The "but" you utter can become the biggest obstacle to highly effective actions. The moment you come up with the idea of doing something useful, it's like you're making excuses not to do it. For example, "I was supposed to go out for a run today, BUT..."

1. I'm so tired inside;

2. I'm too lazy;

3. I'm not in the mood, etc.

Figure 5-6. The method of removing the word "But"
Slanted arrows are your way of thinking while you counter those thoughts in your head.
* Due to limited computer proficiency of ebook makers, it will be replaced with sequence numbers *
But Remove the word but
(1) I really should have taken the machine to mow the lawn, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. (2) I will be more interested in working after starting to do it. When I'm done, I'll feel even better
(3) But too much is done until it's done. (4) Cutting by machine doesn't take that much time. I just do it one yard at a time.
(5) But I'm so tired. (6) Then let's do a little bit and then take a break.
(7) Stop lying down and watching TV. (8) It's fine, but it's still there, how comfortable.
(9) But today I'm too lazy to do it. (10) It's not true — I've mowed the lawn many times before.

Here's another example. "I can smoke less, BUT..."

1. I have no self-discipline;

2. I don't want to quit suddenly, but tapering off is like enduring slow torture;

3. I've been stressed a lot lately.

If you really want to find motivation, you have to learn to let go of the word "but." One way to do this is to refute the word "but" as I illustrate in Figure 5-6 above. Let's say it's Saturday and you plan to mow the lawn. You've been delaying this for three weeks, and the grass is growing tall like a jungle. You say to yourself, "I have to do it, BUT I'm really not in the mood to do it." Note that thought in the "But" column. Now, try countering it by writing out the word "But": "I'll be more interested in working after I get started. Getting it done will feel even better." Next, you'll probably think of another reason to talk back:

"BUT too much to do until it's done." So come up with a new rebuttal to that sentence, and then continue the process until you can no longer make excuses.

Learn to recognize yourself.

Do you often tell yourself that what you do doesn't matter? If you have this bad habit, you will naturally feel like you can never do anything of value. Whether you're a Nobel Prize-winning scientist or a gardener, it makes no difference — life seems empty because your bitter attitude deprives you of all the joy in anything, even before you even start doing it. No wonder you feel unmotivated!

To reverse this negative trend, the first step you should take is to identify the thoughts that hold you back and create negative feelings. Counter those thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are more objective and self-validating.

Some examples I have outlined in Figure 5-7 on the side page. Once you're fluent, practice regularly throughout the day, even in seemingly small things. You may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but keep practicing even if it feels a little mechanical. After a few days, you'll start to feel an improvement in your mood, and you'll feel more proud of what you're doing.

You might object, "Why should I praise myself for everything I do? My family, friends, and company should be the ones to pay tribute to me." There are some problems here. In the first place, if those people ignore your efforts, then you are equally guilty of ignoring yourself, and sulking solves nothing.

Even if someone genuinely compliments you, you won't be happy if you don't believe in yourself in your heart and reject the compliments that person utters. How many times have sincere compliments been ignored by you just because you rejected yourself in your head? When you do, the other person will be disappointed that you didn't respond positively to what they expressed. They will naturally give up, not bothering to resist the ingrained self-abuse habit in you. In the end, only the thoughts in your mind are the ones that govern your mood.

Figure 5.7
Self-deprecating Self-recognition
Who doesn't know how to wash dishes. If it's a boring thing to do every day, then we deserve praise for doing well.
What's the point of washing nostalgia. Use it and get dirty again. There's the problem. The dishes must be clean, ready to be needed, then use immediately.
I can clean my room even better. Nothing in the world is perfect, but I have made the room much cleaner.
I had such a good presentation just a fluke. It's not a matter of chance, but we've prepared carefully and presented it effectively. I'm doing so well!
I polished the car, but it still didn't look as good as my neighbor's new car. The car looked much better than it did unpolished. Driving it around would love it.

Another simple but effective way is to write down, or think of, a list of things you do each day. Next, acknowledge your own effort after completing a task, no matter how small. This helps you pay more attention to what you've done instead of what you haven't finished. It sounds simple, but it really works!

Start small.

A simple and obvious method for self-motivation is to break the to-do into small pieces. It will help you push back against the tendency to stress yourself out thinking of all the things you need to do.

Let's say your job causes you to attend a lot of meetings but you find it hard to concentrate because of feelings of stress, sadness, or wandering thoughts while sitting in a meeting room. You can't concentrate effectively because you keep saying, "I don't understand what people are saying. , it's boring. I should be at home hugging my wife or going fishing now!"

Here's how you can kill that frustration, defeat distractions, and increase your ability to focus: Break the task into parts, as small as possible! For example, you decide to focus on listening for 3 minutes, then spend 1 minute daydreaming. After letting your mind wander for a while, you continue to listen seriously for 3 minutes, and absolutely do nothing else or let wandering thoughts creep into your head during the process. Then reward my mind with a minute of wandering.

This technique allows you to maintain your ability to concentrate more effectively. Allowing yourself to indulge in distracting thoughts for short periods of time will reduce its impact. After a while, you'll find the things that distract you ridiculous, and you don't pay attention to it anymore.

This method may not work for you. Do you force yourself to do things beyond your abilities? You have to dare to set a time limit on what you do! Have the courage to turn away unfinished business! You'll be amazed at the change in your mood and productivity, and then procrastination becomes a thing of the past.

The "can't lose" mindset will help you defeat that fear. Make a list of the negative consequences you will face if you try and really fail. Then point out the falsehoods in that fear, and find ways to do it effectively even if you have failed to do the same.

The job you are deliberately avoiding may involve financial, personal, or academic risks. Remember, even if you fail, it still offers good lessons. After all, it's no different than learning to walk. It's not natural that one day you climb out of your crib, and splash around the room. You fall over, hitting your face on the ground countless times, but still get up and keep going. When did you suddenly expect yourself to do everything without making a mistake? If you can love and respect yourself despite your mistakes, then a world of new adventures and experiences will emerge and fear will gradually disappear.

Don't sit around waiting for inspiration.

I bet you're still not sure where the motivation is coming from.

So what do you think comes first—motivation or action?

If you think motivation comes first, then you've made an excellent rational choice. Unfortunately, you are wrong. Motivation does not come first, but action. You have to motivate yourself.

From there, gradually you will want to do this and that, inspiration will automatically flow.

Those who procrastinate often confuse motivation with action. You foolishly wait until you're in the mood to act. Since you don't feel like doing it, you'll automatically put it aside.

Your mistake is believing that motivation must come first, then action and success will follow. But often things go the opposite; Action must take the lead, and then you will see motivation emerge.

Let's look at this chapter as an example. Its first draft was draggy, dangling and bland. It's both long and boring that those who are lazy will never persevere enough to read on. The process of editing the manuscript for me was like putting rocks on me and swimming. As the manuscript editing day approached, I had to force myself to sit down at my desk and start writing. My motivation is only 1%, but my desire to clear the backlog is 99%. What unbearably obnoxious work!

After I started working, I suddenly became much more motivated, and it was easy to do. Writing is fun after all! The process is this:

First: Action

Next: Motivation ↰

Finally: More motivation ↥

If you're someone who procrastinates, you probably don't pay attention to this. So you just lie in bed all day, waiting for inspiration to strike. When someone suggests you do something, you'll lament, "I don't feel very interested." Does anyone say you have to be interested in doing it? If you wait until you are "inspired", you must wait for the rest of your life!

You've learned that the reason you feel worthless is that you're constantly criticizing yourself.

This takes the form of an inner dialogue in which you are constantly yelling and tormenting yourself violently and irrationally. Your self-criticism is frequently triggered by someone's sharp comment. Maybe you fear criticism simply because you've never learned effective techniques for dealing with criticism. Because this is so easy to do, I want to emphasize the importance of mastering the art of coping without losing self-esteem when criticized and disapproved of by others.

Many depressive symptoms appear due to external criticism. Even psychiatrists can have a negative reaction to criticism. Art, a psychiatrist trainee, once received constructive criticism from his superiors. He said one patient reported that Art had made some rude comments during the session. Hearing this news, the intern doctor panicked and became upset, because he thought, "Oh my! Everyone sees their true self. Even the patient sees his useless and insensitive self. They're probably going to kick me out of the internship program."

Why does criticism seem so heavy to some, while others remain calm in the face of the majority of insults? In this chapter, you'll learn the secrets of people who don't feel afraid to face rejection from others, and you'll be guided through specific, solid steps to overcome and eliminate your weakness in the face of criticism.

As you read the following, remember: overcoming your fears requires a lot of practice. But developing and mastering this skill is not difficult and it helps raise your self-esteem.

Before showing you the way out of the trap of cringing every time you are criticized, let me tell you why criticism is harsher for some people. First of all, you have to realize that other people, or their critical remarks, are not the cause of your sadness. I repeat, throughout your life, other people's criticism is unlikely to make you sad, even in the slightest. No matter how spiteful, heartless, or rude the criticism may be, it is unlikely to disturb you or make you any uncomfortable.

After reading the sentences above, you might think I'm being irrational, wrong, downright unrealistic, or something. But I'm sure I'm not like that when I say: there's only one person in the world capable of making you melancholy. And you are that person, not anyone else!

Specifically like this. When a person criticizes you, certain negative thoughts are activated in your mind.

Your emotional response is produced by these thoughts, not by what people say. The thoughts that make you sad often include wrong thoughts such as: overgeneralization, "eat all, fall to zero" thinking, refinement thinking, self-labeling, etc.

For example, let's look at Art's thoughts. The feeling of panic was the result of his own pathetic explanations:

"This critique shows how useless I am." What misconceptions are you having? First, Art jumps to conclusions when he assumes that the patient's critique is correct and reasonable. This can be true or false. Moreover, he is exaggerating the importance of the possibly untactful words he has said to the patient (exaggerated), and he assumes that there is nothing he can do to correct the mistake in that behavior (false prediction). He unrealistically predicted that he would be expelled from the show and his career would be destroyed because he would perpetually repeat that mistake (overgeneralization). He dwells on his own mistakes (refinement thinking) and ignores the myriad achievements of his healing process (dismissing the positive). He attaches himself to the misbehavior he commits and concludes he is "a useless and less refined person" (labeling).

The first step to overcoming the fear of criticism lies in your own thought process: learning to identify the negative thoughts you generate when receiving criticism. The most helpful way is to write down those thoughts using the two-column parallel drawing method that was shown in the previous two chapters. This way you analyze your thoughts and recognize the wrong or irrational point in thinking. Finally, write down responses that are more reasonable and less disruptive.

Table 6-1 on the side page is an excerpt from Art's practice of drawing two parallel columns. When he learned to think about the situation in a more realistic way, he stopped wasting his mind and energy on making it horrible, and directed his energy into creative and purposeful problem-solving. After accurately assessing whether his words were offensive or hurtful, he gradually adjusted his approach to patients to minimize repeating the same mistake in the future. As a result, he learned from that situation, and his medical skills increased, and he also matured. This helped him gain confidence and overcome his fear of being imperfect.

In short, if someone criticizes you, then their comments may be right or wrong. If they're wrong, you really have nothing to worry about. Think about it. A lot of patients cry, get angry, and sad when they come to my clinic because the person they love criticizes them heartlessly and inaccurately. There was no point in reacting like that. Why should you be bothered by other people's faults when they criticize you unfairly? It's people's fault, not yours. Why put sadness on yourself? Do you expect people to be perfect?

On the other hand, if the criticism is correct, you still have no reason to feel upset. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to admit your mistake and start taking the necessary steps to correct it.

This sounds simple (and it's simple!), but you need to make an effort to incorporate this thought into your spiritual life.

Table 6-1. Excerpted from Art's writing practice, applying the method of drawing two parallel columns. Initially, he panicked when he received negative feedback from his superiors about how he interacted with a difficult patient. After writing down his negative thoughts, he realized that they were completely unrealistic. As a result, he felt a lot lighter.
Automatic Thinking (SELF-CRITICISM) Rational feedback (SELF-DEFENSE)
1. Oh my! Everyone sees their true self. Even his patients can see his useless and insensitive self. 1. Just because a patient complains about himself does not mean that he is "useless and insensitive." In fact, most patients love me. Making a mistake doesn't show your "true self." Everyone has the right to make mistakes.
2. They'll probably kick me out of the internship program. 2. This stupid thinking stems from many false assumptions: (a) we're just doing bad things; (b) I am incapable of maturity. Because (a) and (b) are both silly, surely my position here is not threatened. I have received praise from my superiors many times.

Naturally, you may be afraid of criticism because you feel you need the love and approval of others to feel happy and valued. The problem with this perspective is that you will have to put all your energy into trying to please others, and you will not have much energy left to live a creative and productive life. Ironically, many people will find that you are not as interesting and attractive as your more confident friends.

So far, what I've presented to you are the cognitive methods mentioned in the previous chapter.

The bottom line is that only your thoughts can make you sad and if you learn to think more realistically, you'll feel less depressed. Right now, write down the negative thoughts that come to mind when you are criticized by someone. Then, identify those misleading thoughts and replace them with reasonably objective responses. This will help you feel less angry and feel less threatened.

Now I want to guide you through some simple but useful methods of using speech in practice. What do you say when attacked by others? How do you respond to difficult situations while still boosting your sense of self-control and self-confidence?

Step 1 – Empathize.

When someone criticizes or attacks you, their motive may be to want to help you, or to hurt you. Their words can be right or wrong, or suspended in the middle

But it's unwise to focus on these issues in the first place. Instead, ask them a series of specific questions to figure out exactly what they want to say. Try to avoid being judgmental or fighting back when asking questions. Keep asking for more specific information. Try to see the world through the lens of the person giving the criticism. If they attack you with vague and offensive attributions, ask them to be more specific and point out where they don't like you. Opening with this style of leadership can help you eliminate the criticism directed at you and shift your attack-fight status to one of mutual respect.

I often illustrate this method in therapy sessions through role-playing an imaginary situation with the patient. I'll show you how to role-play; It is a useful technique that you should practice. In the dialogue below, I want you to imagine yourself as an angry critic.

Tell me the harshest and most hurtful things you can think of. What you say may be true, may be false, or may be partly true or partly false. I will respond to each of your attacks with sympathy.

YOU (as an angry critic): Dr. Burns, you're a jerk.

DAVID: What am I bad at?

YOU: Everything you say and everything you do. He was less delicate, egotistical and incompetent.

DAVID: Let's take it one by one. I want you to be more specific. Obviously I said or did something that bothered him. And what did I say that was so insensitive? What gives you the impression that I'm egotistical? What did I do poorly?

YOU: When I called the other day to change my appointment, he seemed rushed and irritable. It seemed like he was in a hurry and didn't care about me.

DAVID: Okay, I talked on the phone in a hurry and without interest. Is there anything else I can do that annoys you?

YOU: You always seem in a hurry to kick me out after finishing a therapy session, like this is a production line that makes you money.

DAVID: Okay, you feel like I'm too hasty in my therapy sessions. Maybe I made you feel like I cared more about your pocketbook than yourself. Is there anything else I can do to make you unhappy?

What I'm doing is simple. By asking specific questions, I minimize the likelihood that you will completely refute me.

You — and I — become conscious of some specific and obvious issues that we can handle. Moreover, I am giving you the opportunity to speak your mind by listening to you to understand the issue in your way. This usually defuses any anger or hostility, and is geared toward solving problems instead of arguing or blaming each other. Keep this first rule in mind — even if you feel the criticism is completely unfair, respond with empathy through specific questions. Find out exactly what the critic meant. If the person's blood is boiling, they can throw you a multitude of insults, even very vulgar. Just ask for more information, though. What do those words mean? Why does that person call you a "jerk"? How you made the person uncomfortable. What did you do. When did you do that. How often do you do that? What else is it about you that the person doesn't like? Find out what your actions mean to them. Try to see the world through the lens of the critic. This method will often help defuse your partner's dwindling anger and pave the way for a more rational conversation.

Step 2 – Placate the critic.

If someone points a gun at you, then you have 3 options: stand up and shoot back – this often leads to a fight and damages both sides; running away or dodging bullets – this often makes you feel humiliated and lose your self-esteem; calmly and skillfully disarm opponents. I find that the third solution is the most satisfactory. When you give your opponent no excuse to attack, you'll be the winner, and your opponent often feels like they're winning too.

How to achieve this? It's simple: Whether your critic is right or wrong, first find a way to agree with them. Let me illustrate the easiest situation first.

Let's assume that the critic is basically right. In the previous example, when you angrily accused me of repeatedly being hasty and indifferent, I could say, "You're absolutely right. When he called, I was very busy, and I must have seemed heartless. Others sometimes tell me the same. I want to emphasize that I didn't mean to hurt him. You're also right about the fact that we've been in a hurry during many therapy sessions. You may also remember that the duration of therapy sessions can be as long as you want, as long as we agree in advance to arrange the schedule accordingly. Or maybe you want to schedule therapy sessions that last another 15-30 minutes, to see if that's more comfortable."

Now, let's say your attacker is giving criticism that you feel is unfair and unreasonable. What if change is completely unrealistic? How can you agree when it is clear that those words are completely absurd? Very simple. You can agree with the criticism in general, or you find some clues of truth in it and agree with it, or you admit that their discomfort is understandable because it's based on how they view the situation. I can best illustrate this by continuing the role-play; You attack me, but this time say things that are fundamentally untrue. According to the rules of the game, I must (1) find a way to agree with anything you say; (2) refrain from appearing sarcastic or resistant; (3) Always tell the truth. Your words can be deaf and rude no matter what, and I guarantee to stick to these rules. Let's get started!

YOU:(continue to play the role of the outraged critic): Dr. Burns, you're a jerk.

DAVID: I feel that way at times. I used to mess things up.

YOU: This cognitive therapy is nothing good!

DAVID: Obviously, there's a lot of room for improvement.

YOU: And you're stupid.

DAVID: There are a lot of people smarter than me. I'm definitely not the smartest person in the world.

YOU: You don't really care about patients. His treatment was passive and full of tricks.

DAVID: I'm not always as enthusiastic and open-minded as I want to be. Some of my methods can make patients feel "tricky" at first.

YOU: You're not a real psychiatrist. This book is junk. He was neither reliable nor competent to treat my case.

DAVID: I'm sorry that you feel I'm incompetent, which must bother you. You seem to find it hard to trust me, and you have great doubts about whether we can work together effectively. You're absolutely right — we can't work together effectively unless we're on the same page and respecting each other.

By this time (or sooner), the angry critic will be less hot. Because I didn't "fight back," I instead sought to agree with my opponent, who seemed to be rapidly running out of ammunition and was successfully disarmed by me. You can think of this as a "natural non-combat" method. When critics calm down, they will communicate in a more relaxed mood.

When illustrating these two steps to patients, I often suggest switching roles to give them a chance to master the method. Give it a try. I will criticize and attack you, and you will practice empathy and create your own answers. Then we'll see how plausible or absurd those answers are. To make the following conversation more useful, cover up "YOUR's" answers and create your own. Then let's see how similar your and mine answers are. Remember to ask questions using the empathy method and find a way to agree with me using anger calming techniques.

DAVID (playing angry critic): He didn't come here to improve himself. He was just looking for empathy.

YOU (playing the attacked person): What makes you think I'm just looking for empathy?

DAVID: Between treatments, you didn't do anything to pick yourself up. I just came here and complained.

YOU: It's true that I haven't practiced a few of the exercises you suggest. Don't you think I should be lamenting during therapy sessions?

DAVID: You can do whatever you want. He just admitted that he wasn't interested in therapy.

YOU: You mean I don't want to make myself better, or what?

DAVID: You have nothing good! You're just throwaway!

YOU: I've felt this way for years! Do you have any advice to help me feel different?

DAVID: I gave up. You won.

YOU: You're right. I really won!

I strongly suggest you practice with a friend. This form of role-playing will help you master the necessary skills when facing a real-life situation. If you can't find someone you feel comfortable with to practice the role-playing exercise effectively, another good option is to write an imaginary dialogue between you and a hostile critic, like the one you just finished reading. After each criticism, write down the answer you came up with by applying empathy and soothing methods. At first, you will find it a bit difficult, but I think you will quickly become proficient. Once you get used to it, you will find it quite simple.

You'll find that you tend to be strong, almost irresistible, to stand up for yourself when unjustly accused. This is a SERIOUS mistake! If you get caught up in this trend then you will see your opponent's attack intensity increase!

The paradox is that every time you resist, you are restocking the enemy's arsenal with ammunition. For example, you play the role of critic, and this time I will counter your ridiculous accusations. You'll see how our interaction quickly escalates into a heated fight.

YOU (critic again): Dr. Burns, you don't care about your patients.

DAVID: That's not right and it's not fair. I don't know what I'm talking about! My patients respect the effort I put in.

YOU: Oh, right here there's a patient who doesn't feel like that! Hi there! (You walk away and decide not to treat me anymore. The resistance caused me to lose.)

Conversely, if I react in a sympathetic way and defuse your attacks, then you will usually feel that I am listening and respecting you. As a result, you will lose your warlike spirit and calm down. This paves the way for step 3 – feedback and negotiation.

Initially, you may find that despite your determination to adopt these methods, when criticized in practice, you become entangled in old emotions and habits. You will become sulky, argue, fiercely resist yourself, etc. This is understandable. No one expects you to master the method right away, and you don't have to win every match. However, it is important to then analyze your mistakes to see how you can cope with the situation differently, as instructed. It's helpful to then role-play the dilemma with a friend to manipulate a variety of reactions until you master a method that makes you feel comfortable.

Step 3 – Feedback and negotiation.

Once you've listened to your critic, adopt a sympathetic approach and placate them by agreeing with them in some way, you'll have the advantage of explaining your point of view and feelings tactfully but firmly, while negotiating any points of disagreement between the two of you.

Assuming the critic is completely wrong, then how can you say it without causing any hurt? It's simple: You can present your point of view objectively and admit you could be wrong. Let contradiction be based on truth, not character or pride.

Remember, your partner's mistakes don't make them stupid, useless, or incompetent.

For example, a patient recently said I billed her for a therapy session she had already paid for. She lashed out at me like this, "Why don't you keep a decent bookkeeping!" Knowing that she was wrong, I replied, "Maybe my notebooks are wrong. I remember you forgetting to bring your checkbook that day, but it's also possible that I was mistaken on this point. I hope you will accept that sometimes you or I make mistakes. Then we will make the other person feel better. Can you see if there are any canceled checks? Then we will know the truth and make appropriate adjustments."

In this case, my neutral feedback helped her save face and avoid a confrontation that could damage her self-esteem. Although the end result showed mistakes in her, she was later relieved when I admitted that I made mistakes at times. This gave her a better impression of me, as she was apprehensive that I was a perfectionist and demanding of her, just like her attitude towards herself.

In many cases, you can be completely wrong and the critic right. In that situation, your critic will feel much more respectful if you firmly agree with the criticism, thank the other person for giving you the information, and apologize for the hurt you caused. This may seem like something everyone has known for a long time (and it is), but it works amazingly.

At this point, you may be asking, "But don't I have the right to defend myself when others criticize me? Why do I always have to empathize with others? After all, maybe that person is the fool, not me. Aren't anger and anger natural human emotions? Why do I always have to defuse things?"

Well, what you said is also somewhat true. You truly have the right to defend yourself fiercely against criticism, and the right to get angry with anyone you want at any time you like.

And you're absolutely right that often it's the critic, not you, who thinks wrong. Plus, sometimes getting angry with others makes you actually feel much better.

Many psychotherapists will agree with you on this perspective.

According to Freud, depression is "anger swallowed back inward." In other words, he believed that people with depression directed their anger at themselves. From this perspective, many therapists often urge patients to embrace their anger and express it to others on a more regular basis. They even argue that some of the methods described in this section are tantamount to allowing others to oppress.

This is a mistake. The key is not whether or not you express your emotions, but how you do it. If your message is, "I'm angry because you're criticizing me and you're not doing any good," you're going to poison your relationship with that person. If you resist criticism through resistance and enmity, you reduce the likelihood of productive conversations in the future. Therefore, although an outburst of anger makes you feel good for a moment, you may fail later by blocking your way back.

You make the situation rashly and unnecessarily extreme, and lose the opportunity to know what the critic is trying to say. And worse, you may fall into depression and punish yourself excessively for your own anger.

Methods of stopping the catcher.

The application of the techniques outlined in this chapter is especially effective for those who do work related to teaching or speaking. I devised "methods to stop the bully" when I started teaching in college and for expert groups on depression research today. Although my lectures were generally well received, I occasionally met a bully among the audience. Reviews of the catcher usually have the following characteristics:

(1) is critical, but appears to be inaccurate or irrelevant to the issue presented;

(2) usually comes from someone who is not accepted or respected in their peer group; and

(3) is phrased in an insulting manner.

Therefore, I had to create a method of stopping the bully to cleverly apply to silence him, so that the rest of the audience had a chance to raise their questions. I found the following method particularly effective:

(1) immediately thank the person for their comment;

(2) admit that the opinion given by the person is genuinely important; and

(3) emphasize the need to find out more information about such opinions, and encourage the persecutor to seek more detailed information on the subject. Finally, I invite the bully to exchange his or her views with me in more detail after finishing the lecture.

While no method can guarantee a good result, I rarely fail to achieve the desired effect when applying this positive technique. In fact, bullies often come to me after lectures to compliment and thank me for my kind comments. Sometimes, it's the person who shows the most appreciation for my talk.




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