The Deadly Reality of Depression

When you're depressed, you inevitably feel worthless. The more severe your depression is, the better you feel about yourself. It's not just you who suffer. According to a study conducted by Dr. Aaron Beck, more than 80% of patients with depression express self-loathing. What's more, Dr. Beck found that depressed patients found themselves inferior in the qualities they valued most: intellect, success, reputation, attractiveness, health, and strength. He also said that self-portraits of depressed people can be summarized in the following 4 points: failure, defect, abandonment and distraction.

Most of the negative emotional reactions that cause them to suffer are the result of low self-esteem. A bad self-view is a magnifying glass that turns every little mistake or imperfection into a dominant expression of personal failure. For example, Eric was a freshman in law school, and every time he went into class, he panicked. "When the teacher calls my name, I answer here and there incorrectly." Although the fear of "making mistakes" always dominated Eric's mind, my conversation with him revealed another problem: feeling incompetent was the real cause of the problem.

DAVID: Let's just say you're afraid of making mistakes in class. So why does that bother you so much? Why is it so serious?

ERIC: So I'm going to make an idiot of myself.

DAVID: Let's say you just became an idiot in class. Why does that make you sad?

ERIC: Because you're going to look down on me.

DAVID: Suppose you look down on me, then?

ERIC: Then you're going to feel miserable.

DAVID: What's wrong with you? Why would you be miserable if others looked down upon?

ERIC: Well, it means you're nothing. And yet, it will ruin my career. You're going to get bad grades, and maybe you won't be a lawyer for the rest of your life.

DAVID: Let's just say you don't become a lawyer. Let's say you get expelled from school. Why does that make you grieve?

ERIC: So I failed. I didn't get what I wanted most.

DAVID: And what does that mean to you?

ERIC: So this life is tasteless. And you're a failure and worth nothing.

Through just a short dialogue, Eric made the point: things are extremely bad when ridiculed, fouled or failed.

Eric seemed to think that as long as one person looked down on him, others looked down on him too. It was like there was the word JUNK printed on his forehead and everyone could see it. This guy has almost no concept of self-esteem, which doesn't depend on whether you get recognition and/or success. He judges himself from the perspective of outsiders and by the achievements he reaps. If desires are accepted and achievements are not met, Eric feels completely useless because there is no real support coming from within himself.

If you see Eric's perfectionist tendency to achieve success and be perceived by others as unrealistic and harmful to yourself, then you're wise. But for Eric, this trend is completely realistic and plausible. If you're in a depressive state or have been depressed, you'll find it hard to recognize that irrational mindset that's causing you to look down on yourself. In fact, you may even believe yourself to be incompetent or worthless. And any advice that goes against this thought of yours seems very stupid and insincere.

Unfortunately, once you are depressed, you not only believe that you are inferior, but in many cases you also have an unwavering belief that you are no good, that you are a throwaway, and you will find a way to get your friends, relatives, and even therapists to accept this idea of who you are. For years, even therapists tended to "accept" a patient's negative self-assessment without learning about the veracity of what the patient shared. This problem has been described in several articles by Sigmund Freud – the father of psychological analysis – which he published in his treatise "Mourning and Sorrow", which served as the premise of mainstream psychoanalytic methodology in treating depression. In this classic study, Freud asserts that once patients think they are worthless, do nothing, and have poor morals, they must be right. Therefore, it is useless for therapists to seek to disagree with the patient at this point. In fact, Freud believed that treating physicians should agree with patients that they are boring, unlovable, petty, selfish and deceitful.

According to Freud, these characteristics portray the truest image of the human being, and the course of the disease makes this fact even more apparent:

The patient exhibits a worthless ego, incapable of achieving anything, and morally weak; He criticizes himself, insults himself and waits for the day to be thrown out, punished... From the perspective of treating physicians and scientists, any views that go against what patients accuse themselves of ego are hopeless attempts. The patient tries to prove that they are right in some way and describes it the way he feels. In fact, we must accept some of the points raised by patients without objection.

He really has no interest and lacks the capacity to love and achieve, just like he confesses... He also wanted to prove to the doctor that he had reason to accuse himself of that kind of thing; He had a clearer eye than those who were not pessimistic. According to the criticism, the patient portrayed himself as narrow-minded, selfish, insincere, lacking self-control, whose lifelong purpose was to hide his shortcomings, and from what we knew, he almost knew himself; We just don't know why it wasn't until we fell ill that people realized the truth like this. - SIGMUND FREUD, "Mourning and Melancholia"

How a therapist processes your feelings about your personal disability is the key to finding a cure, just as feeling worthless is a clue to depression. This question leads to another question of interest in the field of psychological analysis – is human nature inherently flawed? Are people with depression confronting the most innocent truth about who they are? And based on the deepest analysis, what is the source of true self-esteem? This point, in my opinion, is the most important question you face.

First, you can't feel valued based on what you do. The result gives you a sense of satisfaction, not joy. Human values based purely on success are "false self-esteem," unreal! Many of my successful but suffering patients would agree with that. You also can't build your value based on looks, talents, fame, or wealth. Marilyn Monroe, Mark Rothko, Freddie Prinz, and countless other self-suicidal stars testify to this cruel truth. Even love, acceptance, friendship or even the ability to create intimate human relationships will only add a little to your existing value. In fact, the vast majority of people with depression receive a lot of love, and yet it is not helpful because their love for themselves and self-esteem do not exist at all. In short, only your own sense of self-worth determines your inner feelings.

The question in your mind right now is: "Speaking like a doctor, how do I know my self-worth? In fact, I feel like I'm inferior to death, and I believe I'm no equal. There's no way to change that feeling of boredom, because that's who I am."

One of the key points of cognitive therapy is that it resolutely refuses to believe in your inner feelings of worthlessness. During treatment, I have patients undergo a system of re-evaluation of their negative self-image. I kept repeating a single question: "Are you right to insist to me that your inner self is a failure?"

The first step is to carefully review what you say about yourself when you claim you're no good. The evidence you present to justify your own uselessness is often meaningless, if not always meaningless.

This opinion is based on the latest research by doctors Aaron Beck and David Braff, which shows that in the minds of depressed patients there is the presence of a thinking disorder. People with sad moods were compared to people with schizophrenia and non-depressed people, in their ability to understand the meaning of maxims such as "Prevention is better than cure." Both the schizophrenia and depressed groups make a lot of logical mistakes and have difficulty figuring out the meaning of the statement. They are too rigid and cannot generalize the true meaning of the problem. Although the severity of this defect in the depressed group is not as severe or peculiar as the schizophrenic group, it is clear that compared to the normal group, these individuals are abnormal.

The simple explanation that the study suggests is that during depression, you lose some of your ability to think clearly; You have trouble seeing things. Negative events will gradually invade until they dominate the whole reality in your eyes – and you no longer realize that what happens is being distorted. Everything seems real to you. The illusion you create of hell on earth is very convincing. The more anxious and miserable you feel, the more distorted your reason becomes. And vice versa, if you don't suffer from a mental disorder, there is no way you can underestimate yourself or be depressed!

When you look down on yourself, how are you thinking distorted? The simplest start is to start reviewing your list of false thinking patterns. The most common deviation when you feel worthless is the "eat all, fall to zero" mindset. If you only look at life in extremes, you will believe that everything you do falls into two situations: either very good or very bad—there is no middle ground. As one salesperson once told me, "When I achieve 95% or more of the sales quotas I set for myself for the month, it's acceptable. And 94 percent or less is like a complete failure."

This "eat it all, fall to zero" self-assessment method is not only unrealistic and detrimental to the person who has that view, but also entails constant stress and frustration. A depressed psychiatrist reached out to me because he realized he had no sex drive and had been suffering from erectile dysfunction for two weeks of grief. His perfectionist tendencies not only play an important role in the current career he has, but also dominate the couple's sex life.

So before his illness, he was close to his wife every other day during their 20 years together. Despite his declining sexual capacity — a common symptom of depression — he told himself, "I have to go about it as usual." This thought caused a growing tension in him, as he could not prolong his "manhood" as desired. And because his previously perfect spousal schedule was broken, he began torturing himself with a "fall to zero" mindset, he concluded, "I'm no longer the perfect partner. I failed as a husband. I'm not even a man in the sense. I'm not worth anything." Known as a renowned psychiatrist (some even praised him as brilliant), yet he sat there sharing with tears in his eyes, "Dr. Burns, you and I both know the undeniable truth is that I will never be close to my wife again." No matter how many years of medical training he had, he finally forced himself to believe such a false thought.

Tame feelings of worthlessness

You're probably thinking, "Okay, I'm starting to realize the absurdity behind feeling worthless. At least for some. But in general they are the successful type, unlike me. It seems that doctors treat famous scientists and businessmen. For them to cry out for lack of confidence is ridiculous. But I'm the mediocre type. Everyone else, in fairness, is much more beautiful, famous, and successful than I am. So what should I do? Do nothing, that's it! The feeling of worthlessness in me is firmly grounded. Because it's rooted in facts, if the doctor told me to think logically a little bit, I wouldn't feel much better. I don't know how to get rid of this bad feeling unless I delude myself, which we both know won't work." So now I'm going to show some ways to finally solve your problem.

As a cognitive therapist, I have three goals in treating feelings of worthlessness: I will make a quick and definitive change in the way you think, feel, and behave.

This result is made possible by a well-structured training program that includes many simple but solid methods that you can apply every day. If you are willing to invest the time to pursue this program, the results will be worth it.

Are you ready? Let's get started. You're about to take the first step in a transformation process, changing both your mood and the image you have of yourself.

As you read the next sections, you need to remember one thing: reading theory isn't enough, it doesn't guarantee you'll build your self-esteem — if it does, it won't last. You have to invest effort and practice many different exercises. In fact, I recommend setting aside a certain amount of time during your day for self-improvement, as this is the only way you can feel your own growth in the fastest and most sustainable way.

Special treatments to improve self-esteem

1. Counter self-criticism

Feelings of worthlessness arise when the dialogue in your mind is critical. These are self-deprecating statements, such as "I can't do anything," "I'm a jerk," "I'm not equal to anyone," and many others that only make you more desperate and your self-esteem lower. To overcome this bad thinking habit, there are three steps you must take:

1. Learn to acknowledge and write down the critical thoughts you are carrying in your head.

2. Find out why these thoughts are distorted, and

3. Practice countering it to get a more realistic view of yourself.

An effective method of doing this is the "three-column parallel technique." On a sheet of paper, you only need to line two vertical rows to divide it into three evenly spaced columns (see Figure 4-1 below). The leftmost column you name is "Automatic thinking (self-criticism)," the middle column is called "Misthinking," and the rightmost column is "Rational feedback (self-defense)." The leftmost column is where you write down all the self-criticism that makes you feel painful, worthless, and bored.

Figure 4-1. The "three-column parallel technique" is used to rearrange the way you think about yourself when you find yourself doing something wrong. The goal is to substitute more rational, objective thinking in place of irrational, harsh self-criticism that automatically floods your mind when a negative event occurs.
Automatic Thinking (Self-Criticism)	Misconception	Rational Response (Self-Defense)
1. I didn't do anything good.	1. Overgeneralization	1. Nonsense! I do a lot of things right.
2. I am always	2. Overgeneralization	2. I'm not always late. Horribly funny talk. Think back to when I was on time. If I'm late lately, I'll find ways to improve to be more punctual.
3. People will look down on me.	3. Reading thoughts Overgeneralize The "eat all, fall to zero" mindset False predictions	3. Some people will be disappointed about being late, but that doesn't mean everything is broken. Maybe the meeting didn't take place on time.
4. It shows that you are terrible	4. Labeling	4. Come on, I'm not a bad kid.

If what you write in the Rational feedback column is not convincing and factual, it will be of no use to you. Remember that you must believe arguments against your habit of self-criticism. Rational feedback can help you consider the absurdities and deviations in your self-criticism habits that you have in mind.

If you can't think of a reasonable answer in response to a particular negative thought, forget about it for a moment and return to answer it a few days later. There will come a time when you realize the other side of the problem. When you spend about 15 minutes a day doing the "three-column parallel technique," after about one to two months, you'll find it easier and easier to do. In case you can't find the right answer to your problem, don't be afraid to ask others how they would respond to a negative thought.

One point to note:

AVOID using words that express feelings when writing in the Automatic Thoughts column. Only write the thoughts that trigger that feeling. For example, you find that your car has a flat wheel. Don't write "I feel terrible." because you can't use reason to deny that feeling, because in fact you feel bad. Instead, write the thought that just flashed through your head, the moment you discovered the flat wheel; for example, "I'm stupid — I should have changed the shell last month," or "Oh my gosh, what bad luck!" Next you can replace it with a reasonable response, "It's better to buy a new shell, but I'm not stupid, who knows the future."

This doesn't make the wheel go flat again, but at least you don't have to replace the wheel with a flat ego.

While it's best not to touch on emotions when filling in the Automatic Thoughts column, before and after using the three-column parallel technique, it's helpful to experiment a little with your emotions to determine if there's improvement. You'll be able to do this easily if you score your level of frustration (on a scale of 0-100%) before you identify and respond to automatic thoughts. In the previous example, you must have noticed that frustration rises to 80% as soon as you spot a flat wheel. Next, after you've completed the exercise, write down how much of your relief you have, assuming you're only about 40% frustrated.

If a drop occurs, it seems that this method works for you.

Writing down negative thoughts and logical responses flashing through your mind may seem too simplistic, ineffective, or even exaggerated. You may have the same feeling as some patients who initially refuse to do this exercise because, "What's the point of doing that? It won't work — it won't work for me, because I'm desperate and useless."

This attitude just keeps you from hitting the line. If you're not willing to try a method, you'll never get what you want. Start by writing down both automated and logical thoughts, 15 minutes a day, for two weeks, and then evaluate its effect on your mood. You may be surprised to see the beginning of your personal development and a positive change in your self-view.

Recording all automated thoughts and logical feedback is an important part of this method; Don't try to recite the exercise in your head. Writing it down will help you look at it much more objectively, by reflecting on how to respond. It also helps you identify the wrong mindsets that make you miserable.

2 heads. Confront, do not bow! - The story of a woman who believes herself to be a "bad mother".

In the course of reading the previous sections, you may argue something like, "It's all about the thoughts in my head. But what if the problem I have is really true? What do I get from thinking differently? I have many defects that need to be fixed."

Nancy, 34, is a mother of two, and the best example. Six years ago, she divorced her first husband and remarried not long ago. She earned her college degree in service. Nancy is a vibrant, enthusiastic type of woman who is also devoted to her family.

Yet she suffered from occasional bouts of depression, throughout the years. During those periods, she became extremely critical of herself and others, showed self-doubt and felt insecure.

I was stunned by the way she blamed herself. Her son's teacher sent her a letter, saying that the boy had difficulty learning. Immediately, she dropped her face to blame herself. The following is a short excerpt from our treatment consultation:

NANCY: I should have tutored Bobby at home, because he lacked organization and he didn't know what to do in school.

I spoke to Bobby's teacher and she said he lacked confidence and had trouble following his teacher's instructions. As a result, his learning declined. After receiving the teacher's call, my mind was full of self-critical thoughts, and I immediately felt hated. I started reminding myself that a good mother has to be with her kids every night, doing this and that with them. I'm responsible for my son's bad behavior — he's lying, he's not doing anything in school. I really don't know how to teach him. I'm a terrible mother. I had a feeling my child was stupid and about to fail an exam; It's all my fault.

The first move was to show her how to counter the "I'm a bad mom" statement, because in my opinion, that kind of criticism was both heavy and unreasonable, causing crippling pain, and didn't help her in guiding Bobby in finding the right learning curve.

DAVID: Okay, so now what's wrong with saying "I'm a bad mom"?

NANCY: Well...

DAVID: Is there a "bad mother" in the world?

NANCY: Of course you do.

DAVID: What do you define as a "bad mother"?

NANCY: A bad mom doesn't get everything parenting done. A mother lacks ability, so her children grow up spoiled. It's easy to see.

DAVID: So you see a "bad mother" as someone who is incompetent at raising her children. That's your definition, isn't it?

NANCY: Some mothers lack parenting skills.

DAVID: But any mother lacks parenting skills in some way.

NANCY: Really?

DAVID: No mother in the world is perfect in every aspect of parenting. So there will be some aspects where they are not skilled enough. By her definition, everyone who is a mother is a bad mother.

NANCY: I feel like a terrible mother, not everyone.

DAVID: So let's define it again. What is a "bad mother" like?

NANCY: A bad mother is someone who doesn't understand her child, or constantly makes mistakes. Mistakes have serious consequences.

DAVID: Well, according to the new definition, you're not a "bad mother," and there's no one who does, because no one has serious consequences day in and day out.

NANCY: No one...?

DAVID: Because you say a bad mother is someone who always does this and that wrong. There's no one like that, no one who does it wrong 24 hours a day. Any mother can do some things right.

NANCY: Well, then some parents abuse their children in a lot of ways, like hitting them, punishing them, you see in that newspaper. Their children grow up with damaged personality. It's definitely bad parents.

DAVID: As you say, some parents abuse their children. These people need to improve their behavior to make them feel more proud of themselves and their children. But saying they're people who are always abusing you or doing things wrong isn't realistic, and assigning them the adjective "bad" doesn't solve the problem. Their attitude is problematic and needs to be guided on self-control, but if you try to point out their wrongs, it will only make things bigger. Such people often already believe themselves to be rotten people, which is part of their problem. Labeling them "bad mother" is inaccurate, and doing so is irresponsible, like adding fuel to the fire.

At this point I tried to find a way to show Nancy that she was making it herself by labeling herself a "bad mother." I hope to help her realize that, no matter how she defines "bad mother," that definition is still unrealistic. When she breaks her moody habit and labels herself useless, then we can sit down and work together on her son's schoolwork.

NANCY: But I still feel like I'm a "bad mom."

DAVID: Okay, so again, what is your definition?

NANCY: As someone who doesn't care enough about their children, that positive care. I'm too busy with school. And when I keep an eye on him, I'm afraid my approach is negative. Who knows? I mean that.

DAVID: So a "bad mother" is someone who doesn't care enough about her children, you mean? But in what respect?

NANCY: Enough for children to be good people.

DAVID: Is it good in every way or just some?

NANCY: Some aspects. No one is good in all aspects.

DAVID: So is your Bobby good at anything? Do you have any good qualities to make up for?

NANCY: Oh yes. He's good at the things he loves.

DAVID: Well, you're not a "bad mother" by the definition you just shared, because your son still does a lot of things well.

NANCY: So why do I feel like a bad mother?

DAVID: It seems like you used to label yourself a "bad mom," because she wanted to spend more time with her kids, and at times she felt inferior, and because it was obvious that she needed to improve the way she communicated with Bobby. But if you default to yourself as a "bad mother," it doesn't help in solving the problem. You know what I mean?

NANCY: If I had given him more attention and helped him more, his studies would have been better than they are now, and he would have been much happier. I felt it was my fault that he didn't do well in school.

DAVID: So you're willing to take all the blame on yourself?

NANCY: yes, it's my fault. I'm a bad mother.

DAVID: And if you achieve success, or happiness, then that must be your credit?

NANCY: No—it's his work, not mine.

DAVID: Do you find what you're saying reasonable? You're responsible for his mistakes, but if he's good, isn't that your effort?

NANCY: That's not reasonable.

DAVID: So have you realized what I mean?

NANCY: I see.

DAVID: "Bad mother" is just an abstract concept; No such thing as a "bad mother" exists in this world.

NANCY: Yes. But mothers can do something bad.

DAVID: You're a human being, and people do all sorts of things — good, bad, and neutral. "Bad Mother" is a dream thing; does not exist in the world. The table and chair are real. And "bad mother" is abstract. You know what I mean?

NANCY: I know what you mean, but some moms are more seasoned and efficient than others.

DAVID: Yes, but there are also many levels and levels of effectiveness in parenting skills. Most of us have a lot to improve. The important question here is not "Am I a good or bad mother?" but "What strengths and shortcomings do I have, and what can I do to improve?"

NANCY: I see. This approach to the problem sounds reasonable and makes me much happier. When I label myself a "bad mom," I feel incompetent and anxious, and then I can't do anything about it. Now I realized what he was aiming for. Once I stop criticizing myself, I'll feel more comfortable, and maybe help Bobby more.

DAVID: That's right! So when you look at things this way, you're trying to fix the problem. For example, what skills do you have in parenting? How did you improve those skills? That's the aspect I want to share with you in Bobby's case. Seeing herself as a "bad mother" eroded her emotional resources, keeping her from focusing on improving her motherhood skills. So it's irresponsible.

NANCY: It is. If I stopped punishing myself with that statement, I would be much better, and I could start looking for ways to help Bobby. The moment I stopped calling myself a bad mom, my mood lifted.

DAVID: yes, so what do you say to yourself now when the "bad mother" disease comes up?

NANCY: I'll tell myself I don't need to hate myself if there's something I don't like about Bobby, or if he has problems at school. I can make an effort to identify the problem, and proactively deal with it, find a way to solve it.

DAVID: Exactly. That's the positive approach. I really like this. She dismissed the negative thought, and replaced it with a positive affirmation. I like that.

Next, we discussed how to respond to some of the "automatic thoughts" she listed after receiving a call from Teacher Bobby (see Figure 4-2 below). When Nancy learns to break back her self-critical thinking pattern, she feels relieved; It was the emotion she needed at the moment. Now she could reflect on some specific, appropriate ways to help Bobby get rid of the problem he was facing.

Figure 4-2. This is an exercise that documents the learning difficulties Bob by is experiencing. The method is similar to the "parallel three-column technique," except that she doesn't need to identify the false thinking behind the automatic thoughts in her head.
Automatic Thinking (SELF-CRITICISM)	Rational feedback (SELF-DEFENSE)
1. I don't care about Bobby	1. I really spend too much time with him; I'm too protective of you.
2. I was supposed to tutor him at home, and now he doesn't have an organized mind, and doesn't know how to learn at school.	2. Homework is your child's responsibility, not mine. I can show them how to arrange their studies. So what are my responsibilities? a. Check homework; b. Insist on the deadline you have to complete; c. Ask if your child has any difficulties; d. Have a plan to reward your child;
3. A good mother must spend time with her children every evening.	3. Not true. I'll spend time with him when I want and can, but it's not feasible all the time. Also, the study plan was his.
4. I take full responsibility for my child's bad behavior and education.	4. I can only give direction to Bobby. The rest of him had to be self-reliant.
5. If I had helped my child from the beginning, he would not have had difficulties at school. If I had taken the trouble to follow his homework earlier, this wouldn't have happened.	5. It's not. The problem still happens even when we supervise things.
6. I'm a bad mother. I caused this to you.	6. I'm not a bad mother; I try. I have no control over everything that happens in your life. I may have to talk to him and his teacher to see if there's a way to help him. Why punish yourself every time someone you love has a problem?
7. All the other moms are supportive, and I don't know how to communicate with Bobby.	7. Overgeneralization! That's not the case. No more grief, let's start dealing with the problem.

The first step in the plan was to talk to Bobby about the difficulties he was having, to identify the root of the problem. Does he really have learning difficulties as the teacher reflects? How aware is he of this? Do you really feel stressed and less confident in class? Only when Nancy gets this information and identifies the real problem will she know what she needs to do to find the right solution. For example, if Bobby tells his mother that he finds some subjects too difficult, she must set up an appropriate reward regime so that he is motivated to do more homework. She may need to read more books on parenting skills. Her relationship with Bobby improved, and his grades and behavior at school changed rapidly.

The mistake Nancy made was criticizing her motherhood. This kind of criticism makes her feel weak because it makes her mistakenly believe that she has a serious problem that cannot be solved. The emotional distress caused by self-labeling made it impossible for her to identify the real problem, to break it down into specific parts, and of course to find the right solution.

If she continued to subdue her emotions, it was more likely that Bobby's studies would end forever, and she would feel more and more helpless.

What lessons did you take from Nancy's example? At times when you seem helpless to yourself, ask yourself what is the point if you keep labeling yourself ugly labels such as "idiot," "disgrace," "idiot," etc. Once you've realized how damaging that type of labeling can be, you'll find it arbitrary and meaningless. It obscures the problem, causing feelings of confusion and hopelessness. If you can eliminate it, you can identify and cope with all the real difficulties in life.

Abbreviate:

Remember these three important steps every time you're upset:

1. Aim at automatic thoughts and write them down. Don't let it hang around in your head; Make it show up on paper!

2. Re-read this list of 10 misleading mindsets. Be aware that you are distorting things and exaggerating things.

3. Instead, choose a more objective way of thinking to put aside lies that make you look down on yourself. When you do this, you'll start to feel happier. You'll build your self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness (of course, depression, too) will dissipate.

In previous chapters, you learned how to change your mood through changing your mindset.

There is still another method that helps you improve your mood, and this method is extremely effective. Humans are not only thinking creatures, we also know how to act. Therefore, we can completely transform our inner emotions through behavior change. But there's a snag — when you're depressed, you don't want to do anything.

One of the bad effects of depression is paralysis of your willpower. At your mildest, you don't want to do things you don't like. When the condition gets worse, nearly every activity seems so difficult that you don't want to move your hands and feet. Because what you do so little, you feel worse and worse. Not only do you cut yourself off from inspiration and joy in your work, but you are also ineffective, and that increases your feelings of self-hatred, causing you to become more and more distant and incompetent.

If you don't recognize the emotional prison you're holding yourself in, it will continue for weeks, months, even years. That passivity will make you extremely disappointed if you were proud of the abundant energy of old. Your laziness affects your family and friends who don't understand why you become the way you do, just as you are confused about yourself. They will assume that you deliberately want to be upset, otherwise you would have "found something to do".

These kinds of comments make the pain, the numbness in you worse.

Lazyism symbolizes one of the greatest paradoxes about human nature. While some people are always burning out in everything, others are always scrambling, obstructing themselves no matter what they do, as if they are conspiring against themselves. Do you wonder why?

If a person is held in isolation for months at a time, or isolated from all routine activities and interactions, severe depression is bound to occur.

Even baby monkeys show signs of disability, appearing distant if separated from the pack and confined to a small cage. So why would you voluntarily impose the same kind of punishment on yourself? Do you like being like that? When using conscious methods, you'll discover the exact reasons why you're having trouble motivating yourself.

In the course of treating patients, I have found that the vast majority of people with depression who come to me experience significant improvement when they decide to help themselves. Sometimes it doesn't matter how you act, as long as you do something in a spirit of self-reliance.

I know of two so-called "incurable" cases that have made great progress thanks to a simple method: drawing on paper. A painter, for many long years he believed he could not draw a straight line. As a result, he didn't bother to paint at all. When his doctor asked him to try to prove whether what was being said about him was true or false, by drawing a line on paper. Soon he was able to paint again, and the sickness also dissipated on its own! And so many other depressed patients will go through a period where they are unruly and refuse to do anything to help themselves. As soon as this serious problem is removed, signs of depression usually disappear as well. So, you can understand why our research is largely focused on identifying the factors that paralyze people's will. With this knowledge, we have developed some specific methods to help you overcome procrastination.

Allow me to analyze two troublesome cases that I have recently treated. You might think that their laziness has reached the point of being too harsh and jump to conclusions: These people "must be crazy" because they are so different from themselves. In fact, I believe their problem stems from a similar attitude to you, so don't brush them aside.

Patient A, a 28-year-old woman, tested herself to see how she reacted to a number of different activities. As it turned out, she felt much more elated after she did almost anything. Her list of things to lift her spirits includes: cleaning the house, practicing guitar, going to the grocery store to cook dinner, etc. There was only one thing that made her feel worse; And it was that it made her feel miserable to the extreme. Can you guess what that is? LAZINESS: lounging in bed all day long, staring at the ceiling and gnawing at all sorts of negative thoughts in your head. And guess what she does on the weekend. That's right!

She clung to the bed from Saturday morning and began a string of hellish days. You think she really wants to be miserable?

Patient B, a doctor, sent me a clear, concise message from the early days of treatment. She says she understands the speed of recovery depends on how cooperative the patient is, and insists she wants to be cured more than anyone else in the world, because depression has tormented her for 16 years. She also emphasized that she was happy to attend therapy sessions on the condition that she not do anything to help herself. If I made her spend 5 minutes doing her homework, she would have killed herself. After listening to her describe in detail the terrifying, deadly method of self-destruction she outlined for herself in the hospital's operating room, it became clear to me that she was taking it seriously. Why was she so determined not to help herself?

I know your procrastination may not be too severe and only involve small things like paying bills, going to the dentist, etc. Or maybe you're having trouble completing a fairly simple report that's crucial to your career. But the question remains the same — why do we so often behave unfavorably toward ourselves?

Although the study of affective disorders has given us a unique opportunity to observe unexpected changes in the motivation of our subjects in a short period of time. The same people who once carried abundant creative energy and optimism can turn into pathetic, bedridden people after only one episode of depression. By tracking enormous changes in mood, we can gather some valuable evidence, revealing many mysteries about human motivation.

Put simply, ask yourself, "When I think of unfinished tasks, what thoughts immediately come to mind?" Next, write those thoughts down. What you write will demonstrate some poorly adapted attitudes, misperceptions, and unfounded assumptions. You'll recognize emotions that hinder your motivation, such as lethargy, stress, or feeling things are too much to bear, as a result of distorted thoughts in your mind.

Figure 5-1 on the side page shows the Apathetic Attitude Loop. The thoughts in the patient's mind are all negative; he said to himself, "Try to do something, I was born a failure, so my whole life will be associated with failure." This thought sounds very convincing when you are in a state of depression; it makes you no longer want to do anything; It gives you the feeling that you are incompetent, that everything is too much to bear, that you feel disgusted with yourself, and hopeless. Then you use these negative emotions as evidence that the pessimistic attitude is justified, and you begin to change the way you view life. Because you believe that whatever you do is broken, you don't even try; You just stay in bed. You lie still, eyes glued to the ceiling, waiting for the drowsiness to come, painfully realizing that you are leaving your career to dissipate and your business shrinking to the point of bankruptcy. You don't bother to answer the phone or are afraid to receive bad news; Life turned into a long series of days full of discouragement, fear and misery. That loop goes on until you figure out how to break it.

	THOUGHTS THAT ARE HARMFUL TO YOURSELF: "IT'S OKAY TO LIFT YOUR ARMS AND LEGS. I don't have the strength. I'm not in the mood either. Even if you try, you will fail. Things were too difficult. No matter what we do, we don't feel satisfied. I don't want to do anything, so why do I have to. I just lay in bed for a while. I went to bed and forgot everything. Isn't that much easier? Rest is superior."
EMOTIONS THAT ARE BAD FOR YOURSELF: You feel tired, depressed, apathetic, self-loathing, discouraged, guilty, hopeless, worthless, and everything too much to bear.	––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––	ACTIONS HARMFUL TO YOURSELF: You're bedridden. Avoid meeting people, avoid work and all activities that bring a sense of fulfillment.
	CONSEQUENCES OF THE APATHY LOOP: You become isolated from your friends. This makes you believe that you are a failure. It is your growing inefficiency that makes you believe that you are truly incapable. You keep sinking deeper into a state of paralysis because of a lack of motivation to live.

Figure 5-1. Apathetic attitude loop. Thoughts that are harmful to yourself make you miserable. Painful emotions take turns making you believe that your distorted, pessimistic thoughts are authentic. Similarly, thoughts and actions that are detrimental to oneself reinforce each other into a circle. The unflattering consequences of laziness make your problems even worse.

As I mentioned in the chart above, the relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is reciprocal — all of your emotions and actions are the result of your thoughts and attitudes. Similarly, how you feel and act will impact your perspective in a variety of ways. According to this model, change in emotions is rooted in ideology; Changing your behavior will help you feel better about yourself if it makes a positive impact on the way you think. Therefore, you can completely correct your harmful thought pattern through changing your behavior. You will help yourself realize that these harmful thoughts are just lies, the source of the problem of lack of motivation. Similarly, when you change the way you think, you will be more in the mood to "get to work", and that creates a stronger, positive impact on the way you think. Thus, you can completely turn the apathetic attitude loop into an effective cycle.

Here are common ways of thinking when people procrastinate or appear lazy. You may find that you've had one of these types of thoughts:

1. Despair.

When you are melancholy, the pain of the present moment invades your entire mind, makes you forget that you used to feel happy in the past, and makes you believe that in the future you cannot feel happy. Therefore, all activities become meaningless, because you are convinced that you have lost all motivation, and the feeling of frustration seems endless and impossible to turn. With this in mind, advice like: find something to do, to "help yourself" sounds ridiculous, insensitive, like telling the dying person to cheer up.

2. Impotence.

Almost nothing will make you happier, because you believe your current mood is caused by factors beyond your control, such as fate, hormone levels in your body, diet, luck, and the judgment that outsiders have of you.

3. Put pressure on yourself.

There are many ways you can pressure yourself to go lazy. You can exaggerate what you have to do to the point where it seems impossible to solve it. You think you have to get everything done at once, instead of breaking it down into parts, doing it slowly, little by little. Then sometimes you inadvertently distract yourself by thinking about unfinished tasks, instead of focusing on getting things done in front of you. Let me illustrate to you how ridiculous this thought is. Imagine every time you sit at the dinner table, you think about all the foods you have to put in your mouth for the rest of your life. Imagine piling up in front of you are tons of meat, vegetables, ice cream, plus tens of thousands of liters of water! And you have to eat every single item before you die!

Now imagine before every meal, you say to yourself, "This meal is just a drop in the ocean. How can I eat all that food? Then it doesn't make sense to eat a burger this afternoon." Thinking about it is enough to make you dizzy and tired to the point where you don't want to eat, your gut cramps. When you remember things you haven't finished, you're tormenting yourself just like the example above, you're just not aware.

4. Hasty conclusions.

Bạn cảm thấy mình không có khả năng làm những việc mang tính hiệu quả đem lại sự hài lòng, bởi có những câu nói gần như trở thành cửa miệng của bạn, “Tôi không làm được đâu,” hoặc “Tôi cũng muốn lắm nhưng…” Do đó, khi tôi đề nghị một bệnh nhân nữ bị trầm cảm rằng hãy nướng cho tôi một ổ bánh táo, bà đáp, “Tôi không còn nấu nướng được như xưa nữa bác sĩ ơi.” Nhưng điều bà thật sự muốn chia sẻ với tôi là, “Tôi có cảm giác mình không còn mê nấu nướng nữa. Mấy món đó giờ sao khó nấu quá chừng.” Khi bà kiểm tra xem những giả định trên có đúng hay không bằng cách đi nướng bánh, thì bà cảm thấy việc làm bánh rất vui và không hề khó khăn.

5. Tự dán nhãn.

Càng lần lữa bao nhiêu, bạn càng tin mình là người kém cỏi bấy nhiêu. Thói xấu này hút dần vẻ tự tin của bạn. Vấn đề càng trở nên nghiêm trọng khi bạn tự dán nhãn cho mình là “kẻ hay chần chừ,” hoặc “đồ lười biếng.” Chính nó sẽ khiến bạn nhìn nhận việc không hành động hiệu quả chính là “con người thật của bạn,” để bạn tự động không còn trông chờ gì nhiều vào bản thân, thậm chí hoàn toàn không trông đợi gì.

6. Xem nhẹ giá trị của thành quả.

Khi trở nên buồn rầu, bạn có thể không muốn bắt tay vào thực hiện bất kỳ hoạt động có ý nghĩa nào, bởi ngoài lý do bạn tin rằng mọi thứ trước mắt đều quá khó thì còn một lý do nữa: bạn thấy nó không bõ công.

Một doanh nhân than thở với tôi rằng không có việc gì ông làm trong suốt một ngày khiến ông hài lòng. Ông kể thêm: buổi sáng ông nhấc máy gọi cho khách hàng thì đầu dây bên kia bận máy. Đặt điện thoại xuống, ông tự nhủ, “Thật phí thời gian.”

Nhưng cũng trong buổi sáng đó ông chốt xong một thương vụ quan trọng. Lần này ông tự nhủ, “Chuyện này trong công ty ai mà không làm được, thậm chí còn làm tốt hơn mình. Vấn đề này thật đơn giản, nên vai trò của mình không hề quan trọng.”

Tình trạng thiếu cảm giác hài lòng là hệ quả của việc ông luôn tìm cách hạ thấp công sức của bản thân. Thói quen xấu hay thốt ra câu “Chẳng có gì đáng kể” đã triệt tiêu mọi cảm giác hài lòng vừa nhen nhóm.

7. Cầu toàn.

Bạn tự khiến mình thất bại khi đặt ra những mục tiêu và tiêu chuẩn không phù hợp. Bạn không chấp nhận được khi có việc gì bạn làm ra mà không vĩ đại hay tuyệt hảo, vậy nên cuối cùng bạn quyết định không làm gì hết.

8. Sợ thất bại.

Một kiểu tư duy khác khiến bạn tê liệt là nỗi sợ thất bại. Vì khi tưởng tượng đến cảnh “đổ mồ hôi sôi nước mắt” mà thành công vẫn không đến, thì đó quả là thất bại quá sức chịu đựng, vậy nên bạn không làm gì hết. Có nhiều lối tư duy sai lệch liên quan đến nỗi sợ thất bại, và phổ biến nhất là khái quát hóa quá mức. Bạn lý luận rằng, “Nếu tôi thất bại trong chuyện này thì tôi làm gì cũng thất bại.” Điều này, dĩ nhiên là, không thể xảy ra. Không ai thất bại trong mọi thứ.

Chúng ta ai cũng có lúc thành công, có khi thất bại. Dù trên thực tế, thành công mang hương vị ngọt ngào, còn thất bại thì thường cay đắng, nhưng thất bại không cần phải trở thành liều thuốc độc, và vị đắng sẽ không đeo bám bạn mãi mãi.

Lối tư duy thứ hai góp phần mang đến nỗi sợ thất bại chính là khi bạn đánh giá khả năng của mình chỉ đơn thuần dựa trên kết quả đạt được, chứ không tính đến nỗ lực bạn bỏ ra. Tư duy vô lý này thể hiện “xu hướng thành quả,” hoàn toàn đối lập với “xu hướng quá trình.” Cho phép tôi giải thích thêm bằng một ví dụ cá nhân. Trong vai trò bác sĩ điều trị tâm lý, tôi hoàn toàn có khả năng kiểm soát những điều mình nói ra và cách tôi tương tác với bệnh nhân. Nhưng tôi không thể kiểm soát được cách bệnh nhân phản hồi lại nỗ lực giúp đỡ của tôi trong quá trình điều trị. Những điều tôi nói và cách tôi giao tiếp chính là quá trình; còn phản hồi của bệnh nhân là kết quả. Bất cứ ngày nào trong tuần cũng có nhiều bệnh nhân nhận xét rằng họ thấy phấn chấn hơn nhiều sau buổi điều trị, nhưng cũng có một vài bệnh nhân cho biết họ hoàn toàn không thấy chuyển biến gì.

If I were to judge my work solely on the basis of results, I would be delighted to hear the good news from patients, and to feel like failures and weaknesses when patients reacted negatively. This will make my emotional life feel like a roller coaster, and my self-esteem will go up and down aimlessly, tired all day long. But if I admit to myself the fact that I can only control what I contribute to the session, then I can be proud of myself for putting in the hard work, regardless of the outcome. It was a huge personal victory for me, because I learned to judge the work I did based on the process and not the end result. If a patient tells me the outcome is not good for them, I will seek to learn. If I do something wrong, I'll be determined to fix it, but I'm not going to jump upstairs to end my life.

9. Fear of success.

If you lack confidence, success may seem riskier than failure, because you assume it is based on chance. So you believe you can't sustain success, and you feel like success will only make others expect more of you. Suddenly one day, the harsh truth is brought to light, you are just a "loser" no less, then the frustration, alienation and pain will be much more bitter.

Because you know that day will come, it's best not to succeed, so as not to taste failure.

Maybe you're afraid of success partly because you think others will demand more of you. You believe you have to be what everyone expects you to be, but you can't do that, so success puts you in danger, into impossible situations. So you try to take control by not making promises or getting involved.

10. Fear of opposition or criticism.

You imagine that if you try something new, any small mistake or mistake will entail strong opposition and criticism because the people you care about will not accept you if you are not perfect. The risk of being rejected by others can seem so dangerous that to protect yourself, try to be as "normal" as possible. If you don't do it, you can't make mistakes!

11. Feeling forced and opposed.

The deadly enemy of motivation is the feeling of being forced. You feel compelled to act under pressure — either from within yourself, or from the external environment. This feeling occurs when you seek to motivate yourself with "moral" words like "should" and "should." You say to yourself, "I should do this," and "I have to do that." Then you feel obligated, heavily responsible, stressed, resistant, and guilty. It's as if you're a juvenile offender being disciplined under strict police supervision. Everything becomes so uncomfortable that you can't face it. Then you procrastinate, accusing yourself of being lazy, nothing. This kind of thinking is increasingly eroding your energy.

12. It is difficult to accept what is not satisfactory.

You think you have the ability to solve problems and achieve your goals quickly and easily, so when life is in full swing, you will fall into panic and anger. Instead of persevering through those stages, on the contrary, you seek to "-for-tat" with the "injustices" that life brings, and so you surrender. I also call this phenomenon "claim syndrome" because you feel and behave as if you have an implicit right to be successful, loved, accepted, have perfect health, joy, etc.

The feeling of frustration arises from the habit of comparing reality with the ideals you draw in your mind. When two things don't match, you attribute the harsh realities of life.

What you don't realize at all is that changing personal expectations is much easier than trying to change reality.

Feelings of frustration are often caused by "should do, must do" statements. While jogging, you may suddenly lament, "Running too much, my physique must be much better now." Really? Why be more beautiful? You probably believe that such criticism and claims will help you be motivated to keep trying harder. Unfortunately that's rarely the case. Frustration only makes you feel worthless, urging you to give up and do nothing.

13. There are feelings of guilt and self-blame.

If you always believe that you are bad or make people sad, then naturally you lose all motivation to live every day. I recently treated an elderly woman who was lonely. Most of the time she stays in bed, despite the fact that she feels happier when she carries her bag shopping, cooking, or meeting friends. Why is that? This lovely grandmother took responsibility for herself for her daughter's divorce 5 years ago. She explained, "When I visited them, I should have called my son-in-law back, and talked right and wrong with him. I should have asked him how the family was going. Maybe I can help them. I wanted to help, but I didn't take chances. Now I feel like I've let my kids down." After we sat down to analyze the absurdity of her way of thinking, she immediately got upset and became energetic again. The reason was simple, she was a human rather than a saint, and how did she predict the future, and how did she know exactly how to intervene.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Then what? I already knew laziness was ridiculous and bad for myself. I also realized I had the same psychological states my doctor described. But I felt like I was wading in the mud. I couldn't motivate myself to act. The doctor would have assumed that this feeling was just a consequence of my attitude to life, but my heart was heavy as a stone. What do I do now?"

Did you know any positive activity can improve your mood? If you do nothing, your mind will be flooded with negative thoughts. If you do something, you'll temporarily distract yourself from the self-deprecating monologue in your head. The most important thing is that the feeling of mastery will erase the distorted thoughts that make you sluggish at first.

In the process of considering self-motivation techniques, choose some of the methods that work best for you, to practice for about a week or two. And remember, it is not necessary to master every technique! Methods that work for one person may not work for another. Use techniques that seem like "shoemaking" for your procrastination state.

Daily schedule.

Simple and effective (Figure 5-2 on the side page), a daily schedule will help you combat your own apathetic attitude. The timetable consists of two parts. In the Plan column, plan by the hour what you want to get done by the end of the day. You may only actually do part of the plan, but the simple act of planning every day can be extremely effective. Your plan doesn't need to be too specific. Just one or two short words describe what you want to do during that time, such as "change," "lunch," "resume." This shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.

At the end of the day, fill out the Summary column. Record what you actually did during the day at each time interval. It may be the same, it may be different from planned; But even if you're just staring at the wall, write it down. And yet, evaluate each activity; any activity you try to do adds the letter M (Mastery), and if the activity is fun, you write the letter P (Pleasure). The activities you put in represent the things that pay off, such as brushing your teeth, cooking dinner, driving to work, etc. Fun activities are things like reading, eating, going to the movies, etc. After you've added the letter M or P to each activity, approximate how fun or difficult the activity is on a scale of 0 to 5. For example, you give an M-1 for extremely easy things like changing clothes, and an M-4 or M-5 for more challenging things that cause you to brainstorm more like refraining from eating or applying for a job. You can score fun activities on a similar scale.

If the same activities but in the past, when you weren't depressed, it was fun, and now it's almost no fun, give it a P-1/2 or P-0. Some activities, such as cooking dinner, can be assigned an M or P depending on you.

Figure 5-2.Daily Timetable
PLAN: Plan what you want to do by the hour, from the start of the day.	SUMMARY: At the end of the day, record what you actually accomplished and score each activity according to an M (Effort) or P (Fun Activity)*
Date:____
8-9
9-10
10-11
11-12
12-1
1-2
2-3
3-4
4-5
5-6
6-7
7-8
8-9
9-12

*Rate M or P on a scale of 0 to 5. The higher the score, the more satisfaction it feels.

How does a simple schedule like this help us?

First, it helps you reduce your tendency to obsess about the value of different activities and no longer have to fight whether or not to do something. Even completing just a small part of your plan each day gives you a sense of satisfaction and helps reverse depression.

In planning your day, remember to balance leisure activities as well as work. If you're bored, you may need more activities that make you feel happier, even if you don't know if you enjoy the activity as much as you used to. Sometimes you are tired of demanding yourself too much, causing an imbalance between the need to "give and receive." If this is the case, set aside a few days of "vacation" and plan only what you want to do.

When you stick to the plan, you'll feel much more motivated.

As you get to work, you'll begin to let go of your belief that you're incapable of doing anything for yourself. As one procrastinator told me, "When I plan each day and compare performance, I become conscious of how I spend my time. This method helped me regain control of my life. I realized I had control if I wanted to."

Keep a minimum daily schedule for a week. When you review what you've done over the past week, you'll find that there are some activities that make you feel more satisfied and happy, corresponding to high scores. As you plan your next week, schedule more time for those activities, and avoid things that don't feel satisfying.

The daily schedule is especially helpful for a common symptom I call "weekend/holiday sadness." This is the characteristic feeling of sadness that is common in single people who feel miserable when left alone. If you see the above description like you, then you will probably think that the time seems unbearable, so you rarely brainstorm to think of activities for yourself. You look at the four walls and sullen, or lie flat in bed all day Saturday or Sunday; Or a little better, watching a bland TV show while cooking yourself a speaker-to-over dinner with peanut butter sandwiches and packaged coffee. No wonder the weekends were so heavy! Not only are you sad and lonely, but more seriously, you treat yourself in a way that makes the pain even more intense. Have you ever treated others that callously?

You'll easily get rid of weekend sadness by using a Daily Schedule. On Friday night, plan for Saturday, hour by hour. You might object because, "What's the point of doing that? I'm alone." In fact, it's the fact that you're alone that is why you need to use a schedule. Why do you think you have to be miserable? This thought is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let's experiment by applying the above effective method. Your plan doesn't need to be too complicated to work. You can plan to get your hair done, go shopping, visit museums, read a book, or take a walk around the park. You'll discover that making a plan and following a plan throughout the day will be helpful in improving your mood. And who knows—if you're willing to care about yourself, you'll suddenly find that the people around you will notice you more, too!

At the end of the day before you go to bed, write down what you actually did for the day hour by hour, and grade each activity according to an M or P rating. Then, plan the next day. This simple process can be the first step toward self-respect and self-reliance.

The evaluation panel resists procrastination.

The picture on the side page is an exercise that you will find useful to help break the habit of procrastination in everything. However, you need to avoid activities that seem too difficult or not worth the effort. Use this Rubric (Figure 5-3) to train yourself how to test bad forecasts. Each day, you write in the appropriate columns one or more things you are procrastinating. If the task requires a lot of time and energy, it is best to break it down into several steps, so that each step takes only 15 minutes or less to complete. Now, write in the column next to your prediction of how difficult the task is about to be done, on a scale from 0% to 100%. If you think it will be easy, you can give it a low figure of about 10% or 20%; For harder tasks, you give 80% or 90%. In the next column, predict how satisfied and worthy you will feel after completing each task one by one, also based on a percentage scale. Once you've made your predictions, get down to taking the first step on the list. Once you've completed the task, remember to record your true assessment of the difficulty of the process, as well as the level of satisfaction with the results. You include the above information in the last two columns, also based on a percentage.

Figure 5-3 below shows a professor who used the rubric to overcome a delay of months in writing an application letter for a teaching position at another university.

As you can see, he thought writing letters would be difficult and not fun. After jotting down his pessimistic predictions, he became curious and sat down to compose an outline, drafting a letter to see if it was as boring and useless as he thought. He was surprised to find that the first steps were both easy and delightful to him; It gave him a strong motivation to finish the letter. He noted the sense of reality in the last two columns. The information gained from this experiment was so great that he applied this assessment to many other areas of his life. The result: His productivity and confidence increased dramatically, and his depression disappeared.

Figure 5-3. One professor procrastinated for months not to write a letter, because he thought it was both difficult and unpleasant. He decided to break down the task into several steps, and predicted the difficulty and satisfaction for each step on a scale of 0% to 100% (see the corresponding columns below.) And after taking a step, he noted the difficulty and true sense of satisfaction that the job brings. And he was surprised to realize that his previous thoughts were not true at all.
Evaluation panel against procrastination (Write down your predictions about difficulty and satisfaction before you do the work. Then, jot down the difficulty and actual satisfaction after you've done each step.)
Date	Activities (Break each task down into small steps)	Prediction difficulty (0-100%)	Anticipated satisfaction (0-100%)	True difficulty (0-100%)	True satisfaction (0-100%)
6/10/99	1. Compose an outline of the letter	90	10	10	60
	2. Write drafts	90	10	10	75
	3. Revise your draft	75	10	5	80
	4. Write down the recipient's address and bring the message	50	5	0	95

Diary of unusual thoughts

This type of journal is extremely useful when you don't bother to move your hands and feet. You just need to write down the thoughts that come to mind when you think about a particular thing. This action helps you immediately recognize where the problem lies. Next, write down reasonable responses to prove that the thoughts are not true. This will help you mobilize energy to take the difficult first step.

Just like that, you'll have momentum to do what needs to be done.

An example of this method is illustrated in Figure 5-4 on the side page. Annette is an attractive woman and is still single.

She owns and operates a small shop (she's the same patient A I mentioned in the laziness section). During the week she was very productive because the work at the store was extremely busy. By the end of the week, she tends to cling to her bed unless she's scheduled to socialize. As soon as she put herself down on the bed, she became depressed, but thought she couldn't get out of it.

As Annette records the thoughts in her head one Sunday morning (as in the example below), the problem emerges: She waits for an inspiration, need, hobby, or energy to fall from the sky to accomplish something. She justified that it was useless to be alone; and she tortured herself and humiliated herself for that stubbornness.

When she countered the thoughts in her head, she said she felt a little less gloomy and she was able to get out of bed, take a shower and change. After that, she felt more excited, so she called a friend to ask for dinner or a movie. Like what she anticipated in the Rational Feedback column, the more active she was, the happier she felt.

Figure 5-4. Diary of unusual thoughts
Date	Situation	Emotion	Automatic thoughts	Reasonable response	Result
15/7/99	I lay flat in bed all day. Contagious sleep – not having the strength to sit up and do something cool.	– Bored – Exhausted – Guilty – Hate Yourself – Lonely	I don't want to do anything.	It's because I don't do anything. Remember, if you do it, you will be motivated!	Feeling relieved and decided to sit up, take a shower.
			I don't have the strength to get out of bed.	I can get out of bed; I'm not lame.
			I'm a failure.	Whatever I want to do, I do it successfully. Not doing anything makes us depressed and depressed, but that doesn't mean we're a "loser" because in this world, it doesn't exist.
			I have no interest at all.	I'm interested, but not at a time when I'm not doing anything. If I start looking for things to do, I'll probably feel more excited.

If you decide to use this method, you need to make sure that you actually write down all the thoughts that bother you.

If you try to think in your head, you will probably get nowhere, because the thoughts that are confusing you are very elusive and extremely complicated. When you try to refute it, it affects you even harder, from all directions, to the point where you don't understand what's going on. But if you write it down, you're dissecting it from a rational point of view. This way, you can ruminate on it, identify misconceptions, and find helpful answers.

Table predicts joy.

One of the attitudes that makes Annette self-defeating is that she thinks it's useless to live alone. It was this belief that kept her lying in bed, feeling extremely miserable, and it reinforced her attitude about how horrible it was to live alone.

Solution: Test your beliefs using the Joy Prediction Table in Figure 5-5 on the side page.

Over the next few weeks, plan to do some activities that promise to bring satisfaction or help with personal growth. Some activities you can do alone, others with people around you. Remember to record who engages with you in the right column, and predict the sense of satisfaction that activity gives you, from 0 to 100%. Then do the activity and record how you really feel after doing it. You'll be surprised to realize that what you do alone is more satisfying than you think.

But you have to make sure that what you do alone is of the same quality as what you do with others, so that your comparison is valuable. If you're at home eating dinner while watching TV alone, for example, you can't compare it to dinner with a friend at a fancy French restaurant.

Figure 5-5. Pleasure prediction table
Date	Activities that provide a sense of satisfaction (Feeling happy or successful)	Who to join? (If you do it yourself, write "Alone")	Predict feelings of satisfaction (0-100%) –(Write before you do.)	True satisfaction (0-100%) –(Write after implementation.)
2/8/99	Reading 1 hour	Alone	50%	60%
3/8/99	Dinner + Bar with Ben	In	80%	90%
4/8/99	Susan's party	Alone	80%	85%
5/8/99	New York và dì Helen	Parents and grandmothers	40%	30%
5/8/99	Arriving at Nancy's house	Nancy và Joelle	75%	65%
6/8/99	Dinner at Nancy's house	12 persons	60%	80%
6/8/99	Luci's party	Luci + 5 persons	70%	70%
7/8/99	Jogging	Alone	80%	70%
8/8/99	Go to the theater	Lighting	60%	85%
9/8/99	Harry's party	Harry, Jack, Ben và Jim	60%	85%
10/8/99	Jogging	Alone	70%	70%
10/8/99	Join the Philies game	Father	50%	70%
11/8/99	Dinner	Susan and Ben	70%	70%
12/8/99	Visit art museums	Alone	60%	70%
12/8/99	Peabody's party	Fred	80%	85%
13/8/99	Jogging	Alone	70%	80%

The table above shows the activities of a young man who discovers his girlfriend (who lives almost 300km away) knows someone else and no longer wants to see him. Instead of mourning, he began to care more about his own life. You'll see in the last column, the level of satisfaction he feels when working alone is between 60% and 90%, and about 30% – 90% in the presence of others. This further confirms that he is fully capable of moving on his own, because he realizes one thing: being abandoned by his girlfriend does not make him drowning in suffering, and it does not take someone else for him to enjoy the pleasure.

You can also use the Joy Prediction Table to review some assumptions that make you procrastinate on this or that. These assumptions include:

Being alone doesn't make me happy.

There's no point in doing it because I've failed badly in the past (e.g., I didn't get the job, or I didn't get the promotion I wanted.)

Since I wasn't rich, successful, or famous, I couldn't enjoy life to the fullest.

I can't enjoy anything unless I'm the center of attention.

Nothing satisfies me unless I can do it perfectly (or successfully).

I don't feel very satisfied if I'm only partially done. I have to get everything done today.

It is these attitudes that will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy for your life, if you do not bring it to test.

However, if you apply the method of predicting pleasure during testing, you will be surprised to realize how much satisfaction life can give you. Help yourself!

One question my patients often ask me when asked to make a Pleasure Prediction Table is: "Let's just say I make a list of activities to do, but I find out that those things aren't as fun as I predicted, so what?" This could happen. If that's the case, pay attention to the negative emotion in your heart, write it down, and find answers to it with a journal of unusual thoughts. For example, you might go out to a restaurant alone and feel stressed. You may say to yourself, "The people around you will think I'm pathetic because I'm sitting here alone."

How do you counter that thought? You may need to remind yourself that what others think doesn't hurt your mood. I illustrate this to patients by letting them know I will have two thoughts about them, each lasting for 15 seconds.

One thought is extremely positive, while the other will be extremely negative and offensive. They will tell me how my thoughts impact them. I closed my eyes and thought, "Jack sitting in front of me is a good person, and I like him." Next I would think to myself, "Jack is the worst guy in Pennsylvania." But Jack had no idea what I was thinking in his head, so it didn't affect him at all!

Do you think the experiment was petty?

Not at all — because only your own thoughts affect you. For example, if you're sitting in a restaurant, feeling extremely miserable because you have to eat alone, you really don't know what's on the minds of the people around you. Only what you think in your head makes you feel so bad; You are the only person in the world who can abuse yourself. Why do you label yourself a "pathetic" just because you go out to a restaurant alone? Are you so rude to others?

Stop insulting yourself like that! Counter these automatic thoughts with the argument: "Going out to a restaurant alone doesn't make you pathetic. I have the right to sit and eat like everyone else. If someone doesn't like it, what's the point? As long as I respect myself, what others think I don't care."

Nothing, but nothing.

The method of removing the word "but".

The "but" you utter can become the biggest obstacle to highly effective actions. The moment you come up with the idea of doing something useful, it's like you're making excuses not to do it. For example, "I was supposed to go out for a run today, BUT..."

1. I'm so tired inside;

2. I'm too lazy;

3. I'm not in the mood, etc.

Figure 5-6. The method of removing the word "But"
Slanted arrows are your way of thinking while you counter those thoughts in your head. * Due to limited computer proficiency of ebook makers, it will be replaced with sequence numbers *
But	Remove the word but
(1) I really should have taken the machine to mow the lawn, but I wasn't in the mood to do it.	(2) I will be more interested in working after starting to do it. When I'm done, I'll feel even better
(3) But too much is done until it's done.	(4) Cutting by machine doesn't take that much time. I just do it one yard at a time.
(5) But I'm so tired.	(6) Then let's do a little bit and then take a break.
(7) Stop lying down and watching TV.	(8) It's fine, but it's still there, how comfortable.
(9) But today I'm too lazy to do it.	(10) It's not true — I've mowed the lawn many times before.

Here's another example. "I can smoke less, BUT..."

1. I have no self-discipline;

2. I don't want to quit suddenly, but tapering off is like enduring slow torture;

3. I've been stressed a lot lately.

If you really want to find motivation, you have to learn to let go of the word "but." One way to do this is to refute the word "but" as I illustrate in Figure 5-6 above. Let's say it's Saturday and you plan to mow the lawn. You've been delaying this for three weeks, and the grass is growing tall like a jungle. You say to yourself, "I have to do it, BUT I'm really not in the mood to do it." Note that thought in the "But" column. Now, try countering it by writing out the word "But": "I'll be more interested in working after I get started. Getting it done will feel even better." Next, you'll probably think of another reason to talk back:

"BUT too much to do until it's done." So come up with a new rebuttal to that sentence, and then continue the process until you can no longer make excuses.

Learn to recognize yourself.

Do you often tell yourself that what you do doesn't matter? If you have this bad habit, you will naturally feel like you can never do anything of value. Whether you're a Nobel Prize-winning scientist or a gardener, it makes no difference — life seems empty because your bitter attitude deprives you of all the joy in anything, even before you even start doing it. No wonder you feel unmotivated!

To reverse this negative trend, the first step you should take is to identify the thoughts that hold you back and create negative feelings. Counter those thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are more objective and self-validating.

Some examples I have outlined in Figure 5-7 on the side page. Once you're fluent, practice regularly throughout the day, even in seemingly small things. You may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but keep practicing even if it feels a little mechanical. After a few days, you'll start to feel an improvement in your mood, and you'll feel more proud of what you're doing.

You might object, "Why should I praise myself for everything I do? My family, friends, and company should be the ones to pay tribute to me." There are some problems here. In the first place, if those people ignore your efforts, then you are equally guilty of ignoring yourself, and sulking solves nothing.

Even if someone genuinely compliments you, you won't be happy if you don't believe in yourself in your heart and reject the compliments that person utters. How many times have sincere compliments been ignored by you just because you rejected yourself in your head? When you do, the other person will be disappointed that you didn't respond positively to what they expressed. They will naturally give up, not bothering to resist the ingrained self-abuse habit in you. In the end, only the thoughts in your mind are the ones that govern your mood.

Figure 5.7
Self-deprecating	Self-recognition
Who doesn't know how to wash dishes.	If it's a boring thing to do every day, then we deserve praise for doing well.
What's the point of washing nostalgia. Use it and get dirty again.	There's the problem. The dishes must be clean, ready to be needed, then use immediately.
I can clean my room even better.	Nothing in the world is perfect, but I have made the room much cleaner.
I had such a good presentation just a fluke.	It's not a matter of chance, but we've prepared carefully and presented it effectively. I'm doing so well!
I polished the car, but it still didn't look as good as my neighbor's new car.	The car looked much better than it did unpolished. Driving it around would love it.

Another simple but effective way is to write down, or think of, a list of things you do each day. Next, acknowledge your own effort after completing a task, no matter how small. This helps you pay more attention to what you've done instead of what you haven't finished. It sounds simple, but it really works!

Start small.

A simple and obvious method for self-motivation is to break the to-do into small pieces. It will help you push back against the tendency to stress yourself out thinking of all the things you need to do.

Let's say your job causes you to attend a lot of meetings but you find it hard to concentrate because of feelings of stress, sadness, or wandering thoughts while sitting in a meeting room. You can't concentrate effectively because you keep saying, "I don't understand what people are saying. , it's boring. I should be at home hugging my wife or going fishing now!"

Here's how you can kill that frustration, defeat distractions, and increase your ability to focus: Break the task into parts, as small as possible! For example, you decide to focus on listening for 3 minutes, then spend 1 minute daydreaming. After letting your mind wander for a while, you continue to listen seriously for 3 minutes, and absolutely do nothing else or let wandering thoughts creep into your head during the process. Then reward my mind with a minute of wandering.

This technique allows you to maintain your ability to concentrate more effectively. Allowing yourself to indulge in distracting thoughts for short periods of time will reduce its impact. After a while, you'll find the things that distract you ridiculous, and you don't pay attention to it anymore.

This method may not work for you. Do you force yourself to do things beyond your abilities? You have to dare to set a time limit on what you do! Have the courage to turn away unfinished business! You'll be amazed at the change in your mood and productivity, and then procrastination becomes a thing of the past.

The "can't lose" mindset will help you defeat that fear. Make a list of the negative consequences you will face if you try and really fail. Then point out the falsehoods in that fear, and find ways to do it effectively even if you have failed to do the same.

The job you are deliberately avoiding may involve financial, personal, or academic risks. Remember, even if you fail, it still offers good lessons. After all, it's no different than learning to walk. It's not natural that one day you climb out of your crib, and splash around the room. You fall over, hitting your face on the ground countless times, but still get up and keep going. When did you suddenly expect yourself to do everything without making a mistake? If you can love and respect yourself despite your mistakes, then a world of new adventures and experiences will emerge and fear will gradually disappear.

Don't sit around waiting for inspiration.

I bet you're still not sure where the motivation is coming from.

So what do you think comes first—motivation or action?

If you think motivation comes first, then you've made an excellent rational choice. Unfortunately, you are wrong. Motivation does not come first, but action. You have to motivate yourself.

From there, gradually you will want to do this and that, inspiration will automatically flow.

Those who procrastinate often confuse motivation with action. You foolishly wait until you're in the mood to act. Since you don't feel like doing it, you'll automatically put it aside.

Your mistake is believing that motivation must come first, then action and success will follow. But often things go the opposite; Action must take the lead, and then you will see motivation emerge.

Let's look at this chapter as an example. Its first draft was draggy, dangling and bland. It's both long and boring that those who are lazy will never persevere enough to read on. The process of editing the manuscript for me was like putting rocks on me and swimming. As the manuscript editing day approached, I had to force myself to sit down at my desk and start writing. My motivation is only 1%, but my desire to clear the backlog is 99%. What unbearably obnoxious work!

After I started working, I suddenly became much more motivated, and it was easy to do. Writing is fun after all! The process is this:

First: Action

Next: Motivation ↰

Finally: More motivation ↥

If you're someone who procrastinates, you probably don't pay attention to this. So you just lie in bed all day, waiting for inspiration to strike. When someone suggests you do something, you'll lament, "I don't feel very interested." Does anyone say you have to be interested in doing it? If you wait until you are "inspired", you must wait for the rest of your life!

You've learned that the reason you feel worthless is that you're constantly criticizing yourself.

This takes the form of an inner dialogue in which you are constantly yelling and tormenting yourself violently and irrationally. Your self-criticism is frequently triggered by someone's sharp comment. Maybe you fear criticism simply because you've never learned effective techniques for dealing with criticism. Because this is so easy to do, I want to emphasize the importance of mastering the art of coping without losing self-esteem when criticized and disapproved of by others.

Many depressive symptoms appear due to external criticism. Even psychiatrists can have a negative reaction to criticism. Art, a psychiatrist trainee, once received constructive criticism from his superiors. He said one patient reported that Art had made some rude comments during the session. Hearing this news, the intern doctor panicked and became upset, because he thought, "Oh my! Everyone sees their true self. Even the patient sees his useless and insensitive self. They're probably going to kick me out of the internship program."

Why does criticism seem so heavy to some, while others remain calm in the face of the majority of insults? In this chapter, you'll learn the secrets of people who don't feel afraid to face rejection from others, and you'll be guided through specific, solid steps to overcome and eliminate your weakness in the face of criticism.

As you read the following, remember: overcoming your fears requires a lot of practice. But developing and mastering this skill is not difficult and it helps raise your self-esteem.

Before showing you the way out of the trap of cringing every time you are criticized, let me tell you why criticism is harsher for some people. First of all, you have to realize that other people, or their critical remarks, are not the cause of your sadness. I repeat, throughout your life, other people's criticism is unlikely to make you sad, even in the slightest. No matter how spiteful, heartless, or rude the criticism may be, it is unlikely to disturb you or make you any uncomfortable.

After reading the sentences above, you might think I'm being irrational, wrong, downright unrealistic, or something. But I'm sure I'm not like that when I say: there's only one person in the world capable of making you melancholy. And you are that person, not anyone else!

Specifically like this. When a person criticizes you, certain negative thoughts are activated in your mind.

Your emotional response is produced by these thoughts, not by what people say. The thoughts that make you sad often include wrong thoughts such as: overgeneralization, "eat all, fall to zero" thinking, refinement thinking, self-labeling, etc.

For example, let's look at Art's thoughts. The feeling of panic was the result of his own pathetic explanations:

"This critique shows how useless I am." What misconceptions are you having? First, Art jumps to conclusions when he assumes that the patient's critique is correct and reasonable. This can be true or false. Moreover, he is exaggerating the importance of the possibly untactful words he has said to the patient (exaggerated), and he assumes that there is nothing he can do to correct the mistake in that behavior (false prediction). He unrealistically predicted that he would be expelled from the show and his career would be destroyed because he would perpetually repeat that mistake (overgeneralization). He dwells on his own mistakes (refinement thinking) and ignores the myriad achievements of his healing process (dismissing the positive). He attaches himself to the misbehavior he commits and concludes he is "a useless and less refined person" (labeling).

The first step to overcoming the fear of criticism lies in your own thought process: learning to identify the negative thoughts you generate when receiving criticism. The most helpful way is to write down those thoughts using the two-column parallel drawing method that was shown in the previous two chapters. This way you analyze your thoughts and recognize the wrong or irrational point in thinking. Finally, write down responses that are more reasonable and less disruptive.

Table 6-1 on the side page is an excerpt from Art's practice of drawing two parallel columns. When he learned to think about the situation in a more realistic way, he stopped wasting his mind and energy on making it horrible, and directed his energy into creative and purposeful problem-solving. After accurately assessing whether his words were offensive or hurtful, he gradually adjusted his approach to patients to minimize repeating the same mistake in the future. As a result, he learned from that situation, and his medical skills increased, and he also matured. This helped him gain confidence and overcome his fear of being imperfect.

In short, if someone criticizes you, then their comments may be right or wrong. If they're wrong, you really have nothing to worry about. Think about it. A lot of patients cry, get angry, and sad when they come to my clinic because the person they love criticizes them heartlessly and inaccurately. There was no point in reacting like that. Why should you be bothered by other people's faults when they criticize you unfairly? It's people's fault, not yours. Why put sadness on yourself? Do you expect people to be perfect?

On the other hand, if the criticism is correct, you still have no reason to feel upset. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to admit your mistake and start taking the necessary steps to correct it.

This sounds simple (and it's simple!), but you need to make an effort to incorporate this thought into your spiritual life.

Table 6-1. Excerpted from Art's writing practice, applying the method of drawing two parallel columns. Initially, he panicked when he received negative feedback from his superiors about how he interacted with a difficult patient. After writing down his negative thoughts, he realized that they were completely unrealistic. As a result, he felt a lot lighter.
Automatic Thinking (SELF-CRITICISM)	Rational feedback (SELF-DEFENSE)
1. Oh my! Everyone sees their true self. Even his patients can see his useless and insensitive self.	1. Just because a patient complains about himself does not mean that he is "useless and insensitive." In fact, most patients love me. Making a mistake doesn't show your "true self." Everyone has the right to make mistakes.
2. They'll probably kick me out of the internship program.	2. This stupid thinking stems from many false assumptions: (a) we're just doing bad things; (b) I am incapable of maturity. Because (a) and (b) are both silly, surely my position here is not threatened. I have received praise from my superiors many times.

Naturally, you may be afraid of criticism because you feel you need the love and approval of others to feel happy and valued. The problem with this perspective is that you will have to put all your energy into trying to please others, and you will not have much energy left to live a creative and productive life. Ironically, many people will find that you are not as interesting and attractive as your more confident friends.

So far, what I've presented to you are the cognitive methods mentioned in the previous chapter.

The bottom line is that only your thoughts can make you sad and if you learn to think more realistically, you'll feel less depressed. Right now, write down the negative thoughts that come to mind when you are criticized by someone. Then, identify those misleading thoughts and replace them with reasonably objective responses. This will help you feel less angry and feel less threatened.

Now I want to guide you through some simple but useful methods of using speech in practice. What do you say when attacked by others? How do you respond to difficult situations while still boosting your sense of self-control and self-confidence?

Step 1 – Empathize.

When someone criticizes or attacks you, their motive may be to want to help you, or to hurt you. Their words can be right or wrong, or suspended in the middle

But it's unwise to focus on these issues in the first place. Instead, ask them a series of specific questions to figure out exactly what they want to say. Try to avoid being judgmental or fighting back when asking questions. Keep asking for more specific information. Try to see the world through the lens of the person giving the criticism. If they attack you with vague and offensive attributions, ask them to be more specific and point out where they don't like you. Opening with this style of leadership can help you eliminate the criticism directed at you and shift your attack-fight status to one of mutual respect.

I often illustrate this method in therapy sessions through role-playing an imaginary situation with the patient. I'll show you how to role-play; It is a useful technique that you should practice. In the dialogue below, I want you to imagine yourself as an angry critic.

Tell me the harshest and most hurtful things you can think of. What you say may be true, may be false, or may be partly true or partly false. I will respond to each of your attacks with sympathy.

YOU (as an angry critic): Dr. Burns, you're a jerk.

DAVID: What am I bad at?

YOU: Everything you say and everything you do. He was less delicate, egotistical and incompetent.

DAVID: Let's take it one by one. I want you to be more specific. Obviously I said or did something that bothered him. And what did I say that was so insensitive? What gives you the impression that I'm egotistical? What did I do poorly?

YOU: When I called the other day to change my appointment, he seemed rushed and irritable. It seemed like he was in a hurry and didn't care about me.

DAVID: Okay, I talked on the phone in a hurry and without interest. Is there anything else I can do that annoys you?

YOU: You always seem in a hurry to kick me out after finishing a therapy session, like this is a production line that makes you money.

DAVID: Okay, you feel like I'm too hasty in my therapy sessions. Maybe I made you feel like I cared more about your pocketbook than yourself. Is there anything else I can do to make you unhappy?

What I'm doing is simple. By asking specific questions, I minimize the likelihood that you will completely refute me.

You — and I — become conscious of some specific and obvious issues that we can handle. Moreover, I am giving you the opportunity to speak your mind by listening to you to understand the issue in your way. This usually defuses any anger or hostility, and is geared toward solving problems instead of arguing or blaming each other. Keep this first rule in mind — even if you feel the criticism is completely unfair, respond with empathy through specific questions. Find out exactly what the critic meant. If the person's blood is boiling, they can throw you a multitude of insults, even very vulgar. Just ask for more information, though. What do those words mean? Why does that person call you a "jerk"? How you made the person uncomfortable. What did you do. When did you do that. How often do you do that? What else is it about you that the person doesn't like? Find out what your actions mean to them. Try to see the world through the lens of the critic. This method will often help defuse your partner's dwindling anger and pave the way for a more rational conversation.

Step 2 – Placate the critic.

If someone points a gun at you, then you have 3 options: stand up and shoot back – this often leads to a fight and damages both sides; running away or dodging bullets – this often makes you feel humiliated and lose your self-esteem; calmly and skillfully disarm opponents. I find that the third solution is the most satisfactory. When you give your opponent no excuse to attack, you'll be the winner, and your opponent often feels like they're winning too.

How to achieve this? It's simple: Whether your critic is right or wrong, first find a way to agree with them. Let me illustrate the easiest situation first.

Let's assume that the critic is basically right. In the previous example, when you angrily accused me of repeatedly being hasty and indifferent, I could say, "You're absolutely right. When he called, I was very busy, and I must have seemed heartless. Others sometimes tell me the same. I want to emphasize that I didn't mean to hurt him. You're also right about the fact that we've been in a hurry during many therapy sessions. You may also remember that the duration of therapy sessions can be as long as you want, as long as we agree in advance to arrange the schedule accordingly. Or maybe you want to schedule therapy sessions that last another 15-30 minutes, to see if that's more comfortable."

Now, let's say your attacker is giving criticism that you feel is unfair and unreasonable. What if change is completely unrealistic? How can you agree when it is clear that those words are completely absurd? Very simple. You can agree with the criticism in general, or you find some clues of truth in it and agree with it, or you admit that their discomfort is understandable because it's based on how they view the situation. I can best illustrate this by continuing the role-play; You attack me, but this time say things that are fundamentally untrue. According to the rules of the game, I must (1) find a way to agree with anything you say; (2) refrain from appearing sarcastic or resistant; (3) Always tell the truth. Your words can be deaf and rude no matter what, and I guarantee to stick to these rules. Let's get started!

YOU:(continue to play the role of the outraged critic): Dr. Burns, you're a jerk.

DAVID: I feel that way at times. I used to mess things up.

YOU: This cognitive therapy is nothing good!

DAVID: Obviously, there's a lot of room for improvement.

YOU: And you're stupid.

DAVID: There are a lot of people smarter than me. I'm definitely not the smartest person in the world.

YOU: You don't really care about patients. His treatment was passive and full of tricks.

DAVID: I'm not always as enthusiastic and open-minded as I want to be. Some of my methods can make patients feel "tricky" at first.

YOU: You're not a real psychiatrist. This book is junk. He was neither reliable nor competent to treat my case.

DAVID: I'm sorry that you feel I'm incompetent, which must bother you. You seem to find it hard to trust me, and you have great doubts about whether we can work together effectively. You're absolutely right — we can't work together effectively unless we're on the same page and respecting each other.

By this time (or sooner), the angry critic will be less hot. Because I didn't "fight back," I instead sought to agree with my opponent, who seemed to be rapidly running out of ammunition and was successfully disarmed by me. You can think of this as a "natural non-combat" method. When critics calm down, they will communicate in a more relaxed mood.

When illustrating these two steps to patients, I often suggest switching roles to give them a chance to master the method. Give it a try. I will criticize and attack you, and you will practice empathy and create your own answers. Then we'll see how plausible or absurd those answers are. To make the following conversation more useful, cover up "YOUR's" answers and create your own. Then let's see how similar your and mine answers are. Remember to ask questions using the empathy method and find a way to agree with me using anger calming techniques.

DAVID (playing angry critic): He didn't come here to improve himself. He was just looking for empathy.

YOU (playing the attacked person): What makes you think I'm just looking for empathy?

DAVID: Between treatments, you didn't do anything to pick yourself up. I just came here and complained.

YOU: It's true that I haven't practiced a few of the exercises you suggest. Don't you think I should be lamenting during therapy sessions?

DAVID: You can do whatever you want. He just admitted that he wasn't interested in therapy.

YOU: You mean I don't want to make myself better, or what?

DAVID: You have nothing good! You're just throwaway!

YOU: I've felt this way for years! Do you have any advice to help me feel different?

DAVID: I gave up. You won.

YOU: You're right. I really won!

I strongly suggest you practice with a friend. This form of role-playing will help you master the necessary skills when facing a real-life situation. If you can't find someone you feel comfortable with to practice the role-playing exercise effectively, another good option is to write an imaginary dialogue between you and a hostile critic, like the one you just finished reading. After each criticism, write down the answer you came up with by applying empathy and soothing methods. At first, you will find it a bit difficult, but I think you will quickly become proficient. Once you get used to it, you will find it quite simple.

You'll find that you tend to be strong, almost irresistible, to stand up for yourself when unjustly accused. This is a SERIOUS mistake! If you get caught up in this trend then you will see your opponent's attack intensity increase!

The paradox is that every time you resist, you are restocking the enemy's arsenal with ammunition. For example, you play the role of critic, and this time I will counter your ridiculous accusations. You'll see how our interaction quickly escalates into a heated fight.

YOU (critic again): Dr. Burns, you don't care about your patients.

DAVID: That's not right and it's not fair. I don't know what I'm talking about! My patients respect the effort I put in.

YOU: Oh, right here there's a patient who doesn't feel like that! Hi there! (You walk away and decide not to treat me anymore. The resistance caused me to lose.)

Conversely, if I react in a sympathetic way and defuse your attacks, then you will usually feel that I am listening and respecting you. As a result, you will lose your warlike spirit and calm down. This paves the way for step 3 – feedback and negotiation.

Initially, you may find that despite your determination to adopt these methods, when criticized in practice, you become entangled in old emotions and habits. You will become sulky, argue, fiercely resist yourself, etc. This is understandable. No one expects you to master the method right away, and you don't have to win every match. However, it is important to then analyze your mistakes to see how you can cope with the situation differently, as instructed. It's helpful to then role-play the dilemma with a friend to manipulate a variety of reactions until you master a method that makes you feel comfortable.

Step 3 – Feedback and negotiation.

Once you've listened to your critic, adopt a sympathetic approach and placate them by agreeing with them in some way, you'll have the advantage of explaining your point of view and feelings tactfully but firmly, while negotiating any points of disagreement between the two of you.

Assuming the critic is completely wrong, then how can you say it without causing any hurt? It's simple: You can present your point of view objectively and admit you could be wrong. Let contradiction be based on truth, not character or pride.

Remember, your partner's mistakes don't make them stupid, useless, or incompetent.

For example, a patient recently said I billed her for a therapy session she had already paid for. She lashed out at me like this, "Why don't you keep a decent bookkeeping!" Knowing that she was wrong, I replied, "Maybe my notebooks are wrong. I remember you forgetting to bring your checkbook that day, but it's also possible that I was mistaken on this point. I hope you will accept that sometimes you or I make mistakes. Then we will make the other person feel better. Can you see if there are any canceled checks? Then we will know the truth and make appropriate adjustments."

In this case, my neutral feedback helped her save face and avoid a confrontation that could damage her self-esteem. Although the end result showed mistakes in her, she was later relieved when I admitted that I made mistakes at times. This gave her a better impression of me, as she was apprehensive that I was a perfectionist and demanding of her, just like her attitude towards herself.

In many cases, you can be completely wrong and the critic right. In that situation, your critic will feel much more respectful if you firmly agree with the criticism, thank the other person for giving you the information, and apologize for the hurt you caused. This may seem like something everyone has known for a long time (and it is), but it works amazingly.

At this point, you may be asking, "But don't I have the right to defend myself when others criticize me? Why do I always have to empathize with others? After all, maybe that person is the fool, not me. Aren't anger and anger natural human emotions? Why do I always have to defuse things?"

Well, what you said is also somewhat true. You truly have the right to defend yourself fiercely against criticism, and the right to get angry with anyone you want at any time you like.

And you're absolutely right that often it's the critic, not you, who thinks wrong. Plus, sometimes getting angry with others makes you actually feel much better.

Many psychotherapists will agree with you on this perspective.

According to Freud, depression is "anger swallowed back inward." In other words, he believed that people with depression directed their anger at themselves. From this perspective, many therapists often urge patients to embrace their anger and express it to others on a more regular basis. They even argue that some of the methods described in this section are tantamount to allowing others to oppress.

This is a mistake. The key is not whether or not you express your emotions, but how you do it. If your message is, "I'm angry because you're criticizing me and you're not doing any good," you're going to poison your relationship with that person. If you resist criticism through resistance and enmity, you reduce the likelihood of productive conversations in the future. Therefore, although an outburst of anger makes you feel good for a moment, you may fail later by blocking your way back.

You make the situation rashly and unnecessarily extreme, and lose the opportunity to know what the critic is trying to say. And worse, you may fall into depression and punish yourself excessively for your own anger.

Methods of stopping the catcher.

The application of the techniques outlined in this chapter is especially effective for those who do work related to teaching or speaking. I devised "methods to stop the bully" when I started teaching in college and for expert groups on depression research today. Although my lectures were generally well received, I occasionally met a bully among the audience. Reviews of the catcher usually have the following characteristics:

(1) is critical, but appears to be inaccurate or irrelevant to the issue presented;

(2) usually comes from someone who is not accepted or respected in their peer group; and

(3) is phrased in an insulting manner.

Therefore, I had to create a method of stopping the bully to cleverly apply to silence him, so that the rest of the audience had a chance to raise their questions. I found the following method particularly effective:

(1) immediately thank the person for their comment;

(2) admit that the opinion given by the person is genuinely important; and

(3) emphasize the need to find out more information about such opinions, and encourage the persecutor to seek more detailed information on the subject. Finally, I invite the bully to exchange his or her views with me in more detail after finishing the lecture.

While no method can guarantee a good result, I rarely fail to achieve the desired effect when applying this positive technique. In fact, bullies often come to me after lectures to compliment and thank me for my kind comments. Sometimes, it's the person who shows the most appreciation for my talk.